At any level of organized sport, anyone involved with coaching has at some point heard some variation of “I am sick and tired of coaches playing favorites” usually fairly quickly followed by some variation “A coach should be completely impartial. It teaches the wrong message when he or she only plays favorites."
Well, in my humble opinion, I think if coaches were always honest, they would probably answer the question that is today's topic with a resounding yes. Personally, and this is something I have often shared at coaching clinics of conferences I gave, I actually think all coaches play their favorites. Furthermore, I think they should play their favorites, as long as those players possess specific characteristics that makes them favorable in the coach’s eyes. The fact is that the term favorite is used in a wide range of explanations and validations as a complaint by certain athletes and especially parents, frustrated when it seems playing time is not equally or seemingly fairly handed out. Even more ironic is that when those complaining about coaches' favoritism do get more playing time, they will of course say it was earned unlike the others who got it because the coach "likes them better" When I talk about coaches having favorites and showing favoritism, I am not talking about favorites when it comes to silly politics, daddy ball ( you know when dad or mom is the coach), parents buddying up to a coach, or even a player’s athletic talent. You are right about that kind of favoritism that it has no place in youth sports. But as a coach, I certainly had my favorites as did most of peers I would talk to about this also shared the same opinion or if the term favorite is somehow offensive or misleading, then let's say those that I wanted to make sure get a lot of playing time. Again, at the youth level, this has less to do with athletic ability than more important intangibles. I am talking about the athletes on my teams that were a pleasure to coach because they exhibited certain traits. When it comes to those characteristics, yes, I did play my favorites. Here is the reality. I had very little to not say no experience coaching in youth soccer in the truest sense of the term. However, in my role as club technical director or coaching course instructor, I was exposed more than enough to the realities of youth sport, that I am a firm believer that at the youth level, it is very important everyone on the team can do things to get playing time. When it comes to youth sport, coaches for the most part do not have to win in order to keep the coaching roles. Ok, some could argue that in some ways it is worth since coaches keep their roles can be dependent on influential parents talking to the right people and influencing coaching assignments. However fundamentally, when it comes to youth sport, winning is not or should not be the point, but wanting to win is and learning how to win the right way is. A huge psychological benefit of coaching youth sports is there is less pressure to win, and coaches can focus on player development without worrying about getting fired. Ask the average youth athlete why they play sports and I bet they would say because it’s fun. Maybe they will say because they get to hang out with friends. Maybe they like the coach. Rarely will they say it’s only because they like to win. Most well organized and experienced youth coaches will hold a parent meeting where they present my goals for that season. Have a chance to sit in on these meetings and I am sure that you will hear them present their goals to include things like character development, skill development, tons of encouragement to take chances and lots of high-fives. Notice: winning is not on that list. It doesn’t need to be. When you keep things simple and kids are learning and improving every week, winning is a by-product. And let’s not fool ourselves; the scoreboard at a youth game is for the parents and the coaches, less so the athletes. So if I readily admit that I had favorites, and think that most of my coaching peers would admit the same thing, how do I define what constitutes my favorites? Well, for me, there are a few basic characteristics that I always looked for in my athletes. Punctual: I look for athletes that show up early, stay late, and do the extra work not because they have to, but because they love to! I hate wondering whether a player is going to show up that day, or if he/she is going to stroll in late and I am going to have to teach them all over again. Now I get it; if a kid is late to youth practice, it’s not his or her fault. Being a parent is tough and getting all their kids to practice on time is just not always possible. At the level I coached, university student-athletes were constantly juggling multiple priorities with the understanding that school always come first. I’d never "punish" a kid for being late to practice if it was related to school commitments and as long as when they come in they'd jump right into the drills and get to work. However, if an athlete was late to practice for now viable reasons and then strolled in, took their time getting ready, disrupted training in progress then for sure, that didn't bode well. Committed: I appreciated and respect the fact that university student-athlete were juggling school, sport, family obligations along with all the other issues faced by young athletes. However each one was told at the start of the season that school would come first, soccer a close second and everything else far behind. It was expected that by committing to being student-athletes, each of them was committing to prioritizing these two things. When players showed up to practice, I expected them to be ready to practice, and focused on the task at hand, not distracted thinking about everything else. When we had games, I expected that for the period that game, they were focused on doing their part to help the group succeed. I was very strong on the notion of choice, that each student-athlete the right to make the choices that they felt were best for them but that when they committed to the team, for the season it was their responsibility to make sure they were fully "in" If an athlete showed up everyday, played a lot. Adaptable: There are many who say that athletes, especially those at the highest competitive levels, are creatures of habit. When things deviate, some feel lost or out of their comfort zone However sport, like life isn't always predictable or constant. SH%$T happens and sometimes, we need to adapt and carry one without looking for excuses or reasons to accept giving less than our best. I actually posted something on this very topic previously when-life-gives-you-lemons-suck-it-up.html Sometimes it was as simple as needing someone to play a position they never played before or weren't comfortable in. Being adaptable is an indispensable attribute for an athlete. It drove me crazy when parents and/or young athletes would tell me that was not their position when I ask them to go in and try something new. As long as they are not in danger, then why not? They need to go out there and give it their best shot. If playing time is really important, why wouldn't an athlete being willing to play anywhere they were asked to. Being bold : As a coach I always tried not to over coach and force feed each athlete with specific solutions to every situation they might face in training or games. Sometimes, athletes will make the wrong decision, but for the right reasons, they will see something differently than you as a coach might and based their decision accordingly. Sometimes they'll make the right decision but it is a matter of execution when it doesn't work out. I always appreciated athletes who were not afraid to fail. Athletes who are not afraid to fail are free to take chances and be aggressive with their performance. I loved athletes who sought out challenging situations and embraced failure as a necessary part of learning. The right mindset: Being successful in competitive sport is as much about mindset as it is about talent , fitness or skill. It is a proven fact that what someone believes about their ability to learn actually affects their ability to learn. Anyone can learn something new if only they believe they can, and then work smart about it. Athletes with a winning mindset will focus on the process of getting better, seek input and appreciate feedback. If an athlete goes to pieces every time they are put in a tough spot or face adversity they will struggle to play as much as others who say “I can’t do that…yet!” Self-confidence: Youth sports is about development, and as a coach, it is important that we create the environment for these athletes to develop confidence in their abilities and reach their potential. At the level I spent most of my career coaching, the athletes were considered among the elite of their sport, experienced and having played in very competitive situations. Players at this level needed to have the the confidence to compete, to put themselves on the line for the team. So yes, I did play my favorites. When I made lineups, I favored the athletes who were confident, growth mindset individuals. I wanted players who were aggressive, adaptable, and committed to the cause–the ones that showed up on time and were ready to play. Every one of these characteristics are qualities that have nothing to do with talent and are 100% within an athlete’s control. Yes, that is right, every athlete had the opportunity to be one of my favorites, although I am sure if you asked them ( or their parents) they probably didn't always agree or took the standard position that those that played were simply my favorites due to some arbitrary system of deciding. Every athlete has the opportunity to embrace the attributes all coaches look for in an athlete. So parents, do your young athletes a favor: teach them to have these six attributes by modeling them yourself, because kids may not always listen, but they rarely fail to imitate. And coaches, let your athletes know that every one of them has the ability to become a favorite of the coach. It has little to do with how fast they run and how high they jump, and everything to do with the six intangibles that make them a great teammate.
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The ability to lead is essential for successful coaches at any level. Over the years, coaches have shared their theories and methods of leadership both in the athletic reality and how they might also work in the business world. While researchers on the business side of things have invested significant amount of time investigating and developing leadership models, research in sport leadership has often lagged behind. We haven't seen too much documentation about theories of studies into how sports coaches lead except for a few exceptions. Coach K's book, Leading with the Heart is one I enjoyed and that certainly looks at the cross-over. Not to mention his connection with West Point brings in another dimension.
The reality is that how athletes view their coaches is a determining factor in how an athlete might perform and ultimately succeed. At the very basic level, the feedback provided by coaches to their athletes will have a great impact on aspects like self-esteem, satisfaction, and perceived competence of the coach and will influence athletes’ perceptions of coaches’ leadership styles. Regardless of any coaches teaching ability in terms of skills and tactics there is often correlation between between athlete satisfaction, athlete motivation, and the perceived competence of the coach, overall athlete performance and the leadership style of the coach. One aspect of the coach - athlete relationship is the emotional intelligence of the coach and his/ her ability to read verbal and non-verbal cues from the athletes. The basic definition of emotional intelligence is managing feelings effectively and appropriately, enabling people to work together toward common goals and dealing with groups of people. In order to succeed, leaders have to be strong in four main aspects, self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Self-awareness includes understanding and assessing one’s own emotional state, while self-management is the ability to regulate one’s own emotions; social awareness includes detecting the emotions of others, while relationship management involves developing and influencing others. In the area of sports, specifically, this means that a coach is able not only to teach the appropriate related skills, convey the tactical requirements and game plan but also and often more importantly foster an environment that will permit athletes to perform at optimal levels when required. This can be done via trying to recreate game like conditions during training sessions, preparing athletes to be able to cope with unforeseen challenges and encouraging individual problem solving abilities in each athlete. Some of this ties into yesterday's blog post on the "Mindset for Success" mindset-for-success-have-it-or-train-it.html However, yesterday's post was more about the manner in which individual athlete's can achieve a the right mindset for success whereas today it is about how the perceptions that athlete's might have of their coach can play a role. When you look at the 4 aspects of emotional intelligence listed above the two most significant and important in relation to coaching are self-management and social awareness. As the main figure and primary decision maker ( or should be although some times the parents might.... oh don't get me started) in the athletic environment, the coach retains the primary responsibility for the quality and direction of each athlete's sport experience and the overall success or failure of the team. Coaches who exhibit positive feedback behaviors are more likely to give rise to athletes with higher levels of social cohesion. Conversely, although their are examples where it might have very short term benefits, athletes are less motivated when coaches are verbally aggressive. Therefore, coaches who are aware of and can control their own negative emotional impulses can act and speak constructively to athletes even in times of turmoil and distress, producing positive outcomes for the athlete and the team. Likewise, the emotions of the coach have the potential to influence the emotions of the athlete. Athletes report feeling charged, determined, and/or energetic following their coach’s pre-game speech. A coach who can evoke positive pre-game feelings in his/her athletes demonstrates a command of his/her own emotional state and knowledge of the sentiments that will stir them to respond. Therefore, it is incumbent upon the coach to be able to exercise emotional regulation and control, as displays of emotion may directly or indirectly influence or enhance an athlete’s or team’s performance. Also, key moments in competition often require that coaches recognize and control their emotions so they can think clearly about game strategy and/or refrain from garnering penalties that might adversely affect the outcome. Many top level coaches report that the ability to stay cool under pressure positively affected their ability to effectively coach their team. Yelling or arguing with athletes, losing control of tempers, or arguing with officials, etc are common misbehavior often engaged in by coaches which feeds into athlete's stressors and can fuel their own frustrations. Coaches must always lead by example. Thus, the ability to control one’s emotional state and conceal select emotions from the athletes has proven to be a valuable skill for coaches. It is a proven fact that a relationship exists between an athlete’s emotional state and his/her performance quality. Individual athletes perform best when their emotional states are within their preferred range. Coaches who know and can recognize when an athlete’s emotions are outside of the preferred range can modify his/her own behaviors and emotions to assist the athlete in regaining emotional control. For example anger, which is most often viewed as a hindrance to performance, may actually enhance performance if the athlete is required to perform a physical skill similar to anger’s associated tendency, such as tackling in football. Therefore, in these instances, a coach might act to induce a feeling of anger in his/her athlete. Conversely, anxiety can have a debilitating effect on performance. A coach who can recognize anxiety in his/her athletes can then demonstrate behaviors to reduce athlete anxiety. Unfortunately for many sports, coaching remains a voluntary pastime with limited resources and effort put in for development and specialized training. When their are coaching clinics, they focus on teaching the skills of the sport and little if no time is spend on the so-called soft skills. This leave most levels of youth sport with coaches who are not very accurate in predicting the psychological states of their athletes, nor are they accurate in perceiving the supportiveness or unsupportiveness of their own behavior. Therefore, even incremental improvement in increasing one’s emotional intelligence could produce positive outcomes for the coach, athlete, and team. Relationship management is another important area where the presence of emotional intelligence would be important for an athletic coach. Relationship management includes the ability to manage conflict, develop and inspire others, and promote teamwork and collaboration. On every team, conflict will arise. The role of the coach is to defuse conflicts among players, and at times between players and the coaching staff, in order to create the unity required to win games. Additionally, there can be great pressure on coaches to win games, particularly at the top levels. In these situations, coaches must be able to not only improve players’ abilities but also motivate them to reach individual and team goals. However, winning and developing sport specific abilities are often only a part of the job. It is also expected that participation in sport will develop character and teach moral reasoning and social responsibility, all under the guidance and direction provided by the coach. Therefore, the coach often takes on many roles including being a role model, a parent substitute, a counselor, and/or a friend. Emotional intelligence skills, particularly relationship management, might aide a coach in fulfilling these roles. Acknowledging the wide ranging situations in which coaches operate and the contrasting personalities with whom they work, reinforces not only the need for emotional intelligence within coaches but it also identifies the many difficulties within their role where emotional intelligence may be of use. One important variable in coaching effectiveness is athletes’ own perceptions of their coaches’ behaviors. In order to maximize coaching/leadership effectiveness, there should be consistency between the athletes’ perceptions of the coaches’ behavior and the coaches’ perceptions of their own behavior. as I often used to tell young coaches or coaches at clinics I might be giving, "it isn't important how you see yourself or what message you think you are sharing with the athletes, it comes down to how they see you and what they understand." Athlete perceptions are a key component of coaching effectiveness, and are important because it is the athlete who is experiencing the coach’s behavior and may be profoundly impacted by that behavior. For example, if an athlete perceives that his/her coach does not have emotional self-control but the coach believes the opposite, then the athlete and his/her performance may be adversely affected by the coach’s seemingly uncontrollable emotional outbursts, while the coach perceives that his/her players are unaffected by these demonstrations of emotion. Similarly, if a coach perceives that his/her ability to inspire is adequate while the athletes feel differently, then the adjustments that the coach may or may not make to his/her behavior may prove to be inappropriate in helping the team reach its goal. There is also correlation between how athletes perceive their coach and how long they have played for said coach. Often times, new or first year athletes will perceive their coaches’ levels of emotional intelligence much differently than those who had played successive years for their coach. As they say, familiarity breeds complacency. when coaches work with the same athletes over an extended period of time, some tend to get comfortable and even lazy in checking in with their athletes and assume that what has always worked, continues to work, when the fact is that this is often not the case. People evolve,athletes evolve and evolving includes changing, so if athletes change, by default their perceptions and opinions are going to change. So it is imperative for all coaches to stay on top of their group and be able to read how they are being perceived. Don't be afraid to ask difficult questions, don't take comments that appear negative as criticism but rather as a critique and opportunity to adapt and better serve the interests of the athletes. Coaching an athletic team is a unique experience. I have coached various teams and many athletes and I came to understand that there will always be differences between how coaches view their own emotional intelligence and how their players view them. I became a much better coach ( or at least I would like to think so) when I would learn about perceptions issues my athlete's had about me. As I became more self-aware of this fact, I learned how to pay more attention, seek out different social and non verbal cues and most importantly ask better questions about feedback. To decrease the gap between how you see yourself and how coaches see you, plus ultimately improve effectiveness, coaches should realize that their own words and actions are not always interpreted by players in a manner that they were intended. Coaches could take steps to discover how they are viewed by players and work to change those perceptions which are potentially detrimental to team chemistry. Further research is warranted to determine whether these differences in views impact the effectiveness of coaches or the success of their teams. Have you ever wonder how it is that in competitive sports, some athletes seem to consistently succeed more often that others? I mean, let's be honest, on pretty much every top level team, even the so called weakest player is often better than 99% of the general population. So when athletic ability, talent and competitive experience are all equal, what makes some better than the rest?
There are many people who believe that intangibles like mental toughness, competitive intensity, focus and the ability to thrive under pressure are among those things that you either have or you don't. However, I think that like any skill set, a championship winning mindset can be developed and trained. So let me ask again, " what separates the best from the rest ?" There are several mental qualities that you can find in very successful athletes which distinguish them from all of their competition. However, one of the key ones is how they respond to adversity. When the proverbial garbage hits the fan, when things start going very wrong, real champions seem to take all of this in stride. They have the uncanny ability to not let the bad calls, mistakes and bad breaks knock them off center. As a result, they are able to quickly and seamlessly bounce back and return their performance to a high level. How do they do that? This calm response to adversity is actually practiced! It comes out of an understanding that THE PROBLEM ISN'T THE PROBLEM: THE PROBLEM IS HOW YOU REACT TO THE PROBLEM! So champions know that there are a variety of things that happen both before and during a competition that are directly out of their control. They also know that these uncontrollable events are upsetting and distracting. However, what they have figured out is that it's not the event itself that hurts the athlete and knocks him/her off track as much as it is the athlete's response to that event! So while you can't control the things beyond your own control, you can learn to control your response to them! You have two choices whenever things go south in your performances: You can see what is happening right now as a DISASTER! "This is awful! Why did this have to happen to me? I can't believe this! How can I possibly do my best with THIS CRAP going on?" or you can see this unexpected and upsetting occurrence as a CHALLENGE and figure out effective ways of handling it. You have two choices whenever things go south in your performances: You can see what is happening right now as a DISASTER! "This is awful! Why did this have to happen to me? I can't believe this! How can I possibly do my best with THIS CRAP going on?" or you can see this unexpected and upsetting occurence as a CHALLENGE and figure out effective ways of handling it. author's note, while there may be some personal experience of truth to the blog post that follows, it is best enjoyed if taken with a grain of salt and meant as entertaining and not as a cry for help or personal confession. lol
Friends...where would be without friends? Who would we be without friends? Friends are like our brothers or sisters. You can tell them anything you desire or crave? You can tell them your deepest, most darkest secrets, that even your parents do not know about. Friends will always be there for you when you are in distraught, need assistance to deal with tough situations or want to share great news. Having friends, being a friend, it's great. We all want friends. But despite all of these things, there might actually been a situation where being called a friend, where always being seen you as a friend, just isn't that great. Kids today call it being in the "friend's zone". Books talk about, movies fictionalize it but yes, as much as friendship is amazing, there is that one situation when being a friend is actually a negative. You know, when realize that you really like someone and generally it happens when you have a history with someone built up over time. They do not recognize the laughs that you share, the understanding of how you feel about a certain situation, nor the influence they have on you as a person. They are willing to bypass and suppress all of those emotions and heartfelt interactions, with a simple statement. "I could never date you, you are too good a friend!" Seriously ? Now where does me being too good of a friend, fizzle over to me not being a good boyfriend? So I have proven I am loyal, trustworthy, great with advice, can make them laugh when times are tough and simply listen when they need to vent.. .and yet all these qualities somehow make me unqualified to be boyfriend material? Now, for some context, I have been with my wife for 33 years, so the situation described above isn't something that I have encountered in years. Truth be told, I didn't date much before meeting my wife bit I didn't have the normal amount of crushes etc. However, it can describe the perception that I had about myself especially in high school. I had already written in the past about high school and my high school years. You can access those posts via these links. are-high-school-friendships-important.html letter-to-my-high-school-self.html to-high-school-friends-lost-and-found.html high-school-cliques-why-and-how-and-back-to-the-80s.html was-high-school-awkward-or-the-best-time-of-our-lives.html apparently-i-might-just-be-a-low-key-nerd-or-some-i-am-told.html And for today's topic, my recollection of my romantic endeavors during high school was that I was far from being the object of attention from the girls, not the best looking, not the most charming, not the funniest but certainly, far from being the extreme of any of those traits. If my high school years were a movie, I probably spent a lot of time in the friend zone with girls I liked or wanted to know better. I got along with most people, male and female, I don't think I was labelled within any specific group of guys, nor was I really rejected by any specific group of girls, I simply couldn't seem to go from being someone that girls might see as more than someone that was funny and fun to hang out with. No, this also might be my perception. Perhaps, I never really put myself out there due to the fear of being rejected... and then took it as being rejected. I could provide some examples but in case some of my high school friends ever read this... maybe I won't However, why for the most part I wasn't the type to worry about what wasn't, there were times I questioned why finding a high school girlfriend was so hard. Dis I not have the physical prowess of what girls looked for in a man? Was it because they didn't think I could be romantic and fun on a date. Was it because I was seen as someone who didn't quite have any overly dominate as a trait, smart but not among the very smartest, funny but not the most funny, not ugly but let's be honest, no one that made girls say WOW, did those fuel the perception that somehow I was soft? Is it because I was a safe guy to have some really discussions with but not the guy who might add spark to their lives. Or is it because they did not think I could provide you security and stability when times might get rough for them? Bring a loyal and trustworthy friend and feeling somewhat universally appreciated should have been enough perhaps and as I got older, I probably appreciated it more and understood the nuance, especially given that in the end fate was simply buying time until I met who I was supposed to be with. However, at the time, it was like I was not worthy to being considered as someone to go steady with. I wasn't a loner and I had many female friends and a few that I might be considered a confident for. With some of them, I might have been the friend they turned to when a guy broke their heart and was willing to help pick up the pieces. I was the shoulder to cry on and be the one to tell them that things are going to be ok and that he is an idiot. Maybe I saw things coming and tried to tell them that they were the idiot for dating him. Maybe I told them, but they did not listen. Then after a while, eventually the heartbreak and disappointment passes and they would get back on their feet. They might have chosen to go through some time without dating, hanging out with friends, like me. having fun, joking around, trashing their ex. The friendships might change once again, I was just the friend, no longer the needed confident. The momentary "rapprochment" would go and any chance I had of maybe being noticed as more than a potential loyal friend would disappear. So some might say that why did I not speak out, why be happy and accepting of just being a friend. Was I basically giving my agreement to the notion that I was ok being just a friend? Was a settling, basically thinking that being a friend even if wanted more was better than having no contact at all? Was it easier to think that the girls had put me in the friend zone because of how they felt rather than facing my own issues, shyness, and being afraid to say how I felt. I once had a friend that told me, relationships with women were like interviews: there is no point in keeping contact if all the discussion goes no where. Now I think that saying something like that is harsh, selfish and stubborn. However, truth be told, accepting that it was ok to stay in the friend zone and not speak up might be me protecting my heart. Protecting my heart from the potential physical image, of seeing a girl I liked kiss, hug and smile at another guy, maybe a guy that I could tell myself was not better than me. Easier to say I never had a chance than to be openly rejected? Maybe, yes. I appreciated all my female friends, in high school and since. Sure, I feel I might of missed out by not experiencing dating back in high school, although there was never really dating it seemed, you were friends or you went steady, never anything in between.... or I so I remember it. As a happily married man of quite a few years, I welcome to be the very best resident of the friend zone for anyone who might be need someone there...... “I just can’t take it anymore coach, I think I am done playing.”
Anyone involved in coaching has heard words like these at some point. If you haven't then you are very lucky. I won't speak for anyone else, but I know for me, whenever I had players announcing to me they were quitting or moving on, I blamed myself. I took it as an indication that somehow I had created an experience that was rewarding or positive enough to motivate the individual to stay involved. My mind would go through all the reasons this might be happening: burnout, other interests, team dynamics, I was too hard on her, and many other possible explanations. Always wanted, no needing to really understand what might have led this person to reach this decision. However, upon reflection, the reality is that individuals leave sports from a wide range of reason, a majority of which often have nothing to do with the coach ( although yes, sometimes it is the coach that causes the decision, just like I am sure some of my former athletes quit because of me). Of course, a majority of my coaching experience was with young adults in university, a time when they go through changes in their interests and motivations, where priorities shift and sport just simply does not take the same place in their everyday lives it once did. But the trend of people quitting sport isn't related just to university age individuals but is occurring at alarming rates in youth sports. In many cases, the decision is related to some sort of parental pressure or lack of support. We hear tales about the well-intentioned parents whom want nothing but the best for their children. They love their kids; they just don’t always love or support them in the most helpful way. Google it, do some research and you might find reference to statistics indicating that 70% of children are dropping out of organized sports by the age of 13. Whenever I mention this sad statistic, people come out of the wood work saying that it’s only the kids who aren’t good enough to play that quit. They say it’s an age where high school, friendships, romantic relationships and other interests take precedence. These things are true and contribute to a part of the dropout rate, but they are not the entire picture. Sadly, in our current state of youth sports, kids and families are asked to do more and more at younger and younger ages, especially the kids who show early aptitude in a sport. Many of these athletes, our most dedicated and talented ones, burnout and drop out as well. We don’t simply lose the kids who cannot make varsity or top competitive teams, we lose many of the best athletes on our teams. If you are a parent or a coach, I believe it is critical that we have a good understanding of why kids play, and why they quit. It is also crucial that we have open lines of communication with our athletes, so we can spot some of the red flags and right the ship before it’s too late. I believe there are five main reasons kids walk away from sports, and they all boil down to one common denominator, they cause kids to have a poor state of mind when it comes to sports. If you are a coach working in youth sport and of course if you are a parent of younger athletes, you might find some familiar situations here or some that are slight variances of the below. So, from experience, I would say kids are quitting sports in alarming numbers because of the following ; 1. It’s no longer fun Sports are a game and as I've stated many times games are meant to be fun. Ask around and for many youth athletes, fun will often be described as as trying their best, being treated respectfully by coaches, parents and teammates, and getting playing time. I am sure that if some sort of formal poll was held, many wouldn't put things like winning, playing tournaments, attending specialized camps or practicing with private trainers high on the list. If our young athletes are not having fun, they will eventually walk away, regardless of talent or how good their team or coach is. Adults rarely do voluntary activities such as exercise or community service work that they do not derive enjoyment from. Why do we think kids will? Athletes are never too old, or too talented, to answer the question “Are you enjoying yourself out there?” Ask it! Chances are, the more they enjoy themselves, the better they play, the more they play, and the harder they will work. A majority of high performing and ultra successful professional athletes will often talk about how their “love of the game” is why they continue to compete. So if that is true for them and they are making millings, then it certainly should be for youth athletes. IT HAS TO BE FUN! And if it stops being fun, you need to figure out a way to make it fun, or before you know it, early retirement! 2. They have lost ownership of the experience I believe that that one huge factor that makes sports less fun and leads children to pursue other interests over sport is loss of ownership of the experience. High numbers of kids leave sports and look for a place where their every action and every mistake is not scrutinized by an adult. That is not to say there is not a place for coaching or teaching; but good coaching does not take away autonomy. If you doubt this, then ask yourself “Why does the average teenager spend countless hours of video games a week?” A big part of that why is there is no one standing over his or her shoulder critiquing every move, and demanding that he/she entertain them. If you find yourself saying my team is undefeated or my team scored 3 goals today, you have not allowed the child to own the experience. When a coach, or even worse a parent, are constantly coaching the children on every play from the sideline, yelling to “shoot,” “dribble” or “pass” instead of letting them make their own decisions, they are actually not helping! They are stealing ownership of the experience from the kids, and in the process sucking out the enjoyment. Would it be helpful to have your boss stand over your shoulder and critique everything you do at work? Does a teacher yell and scream out instructions when teaching math of spelling ? No? Then why do we think it helps our young athletes? It doesn’t. Accept the young athletes' goals and reasons for playing sports Help them find their passion, instead of trying to determine it for them. As a parent, when you are watching your kid’s games, either cheer positively after a play or say nothing at all and of course never yell at the referee. As a coach, give the athletes the latitude to make their on decisions in the heat of the moment and trust that you have coached them to succeed and find solutions. Allow them to fail and from mistakes. 3. They don’t get playing time If kids are on a team, and they never get to play meaningful minutes or get pulled out after any mistake, they are going to quit! Kids want to play. Kids need to play. It matters little to them how good their team is, or how famous their coach is, if they never get in and contribute to the team. I would say from experience that children ( and who am I kidding also many of the young adults I coached), would rather PLAY on a losing team then SIT THE BENCH on a winning team. Our overemphasis on winning at younger ages is creating an all-star culture in youth sports that no longer allows children to develop at their own pace. When coaches focus solely on wins and losses, and only play the kids who will help the team win today, coaches drive so many kids out of sports who in the long run could ultimately develop into better players. The reality is that at the younger ages, athletic ability and success is often tied into physical traits as the kids develop their strength, agility, speed etc at different rates and as they get older and the gab in physical qualities might narrow, the stronger / better athletes are those that we coached properly. Coaches, if you pick them, you need to play them, especially at the youngest age groups. And parents, if your child is on a team but never plays meaningful minutes despite coming to all practices and games, ask your child if they are unhappy. If they are, find another team when your commitment is over. The college and professional sports world is full of athletes who were not star players at age 11; many of them were even on the dreaded “B” team. But they got to play, and as a result, they developed athletically, and grew to love the game. No youth trophy is worth not playing. 4. They are afraid to make mistakes As a significant number of kids their main reasons for quitting and a majority will answer they quit because they are afraid to make mistakes, because they get criticized, yelled at, benched, and more. Great players develop in environments where they do not fear mistakes, where they are encouraged to try and fail, and they are made to understand that failure is a necessary part of the development process. Coaches and parents who keep a running commentary going on the sideline, second guessing every decision and action players take, and yelling at players for trying their best and failing, create a culture of fear that drives players out of the game. Embrace failure and risk taking in young athletes. Instead of only praising the result of a successful action, start praising what kids do immediately after a mistake. Do they hustle and get the ball back? Do they keep trying to beat their player 1v1? Praise the reaction to failure, and create a safe to fail environment. 5. They feel disrespected I have never met an adult who enjoys being disrespected by his or her friends, family or co-workers, yet go to any sports match and you see numerous examples of children who are being disrespected because they made a bad pass, or missed a shot. Sports is really hard. It takes thousands of hours and years of practice to become proficient, yet we expect our 9 year old soccer players to make the right decision every time, and our 11 year old baseball players to never make an error. When they make mistakes, many coaches and parents treat their athletes in a way that they would never allow a teacher to treat their kids, or their own boss to treat them. We would never allow kids to come to our sporting events and treat us like we treat them, right? This part will sound corny but maybe the easy solution to this part is actually quite simple. Follow the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Respect the effort, focus and courage it takes for a child to play sports in our “youth sports as entertainment” culture. Give them the respect they have earned simply for taking part. Treat them with the same respect you would demand that you be treated with. The adults involved in youth sports, be they parents, coaches or administrators, have the responsibility to create an environment that serves the needs, values and priorities of the kids, and not just the adults. It is true that as many as 70% of children are quitting sport, then they are clearly telling us by quitting that we are failing them. But we can make a change. We can help our kids find great sporting environments, and keep them in the game. We can do this by communicating better with our kids, asking them what they want out of the experience, and then letting that experience belong to them. We can do this by treating them with the respect they deserve, and letting them fail in order to learn and develop. We can do this by letting all kids have a safe environment to play. A 70% failure rate may earn you millions of dollars in professional baseball, but it is not serving our kids in youth sports. |
AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
January 2023
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