Every day, from the moment we wake up, we are constantly making decisions. Some are small in nature with little impact on those around us, what to eat for breakfast, what to wear for work, what to pack in our lunch, while others might influence change and provoke decisions in others. In fact life, in my humble opinion, is a constant series of opinions. We are bombarded with situations that force us to make choices sometimes on an ongoing basis. We often hear of people regretting decisions they have made or thinking back and regretting a decisions they didn't make... but did they really not make a decisions, is it not in fact that by not making a decision, they actually did make one? A former boss of mine always said, you can only make decisions based on the information you have on hand at the time you have to make it. You can't worry about things you don't know, things you don't control or all the possible outcomes. In fact, all that being said, I think when we feel we regret decisions, it is not the actual decision we made that is the issue but simply that the outcome isn't what we expected or hoped for, and really is that even in our sphere of control? We all make mistakes in life. We take missteps, veer off course, and fail. It’s an integral element of human nature and part of the journey of discovery into who we are. As much as it might hurt, and as much as we might want to turn back the hands of time, we should never regret the decisions we make, no matter what or where they lead us to in life. Often, our decisions are the result of a substantial amount of abstract thinking and internal wrangling. The mind, over time, gathers evidence, extrapolates connections, predicts the future, and comes to a rational decision based on the information readily available to it. Unbeknownst to us, this is the upshot of an analysis largely occurring in the subconscious mind. Everyone at some point has had those moments when you are at what you feel is a life changing moment and you are trying to make the best decision possible. We put so much pressure on ourselves to get it absolutely right. If, in addition, our decision can affect the lives of those around us, the pressure can be even bigger. But is anyone 100% perfect in their decision making? Life would be easier if we didn't have to make decisions. When you are in a position of leadership, making decisions is even tougher because it might affect co-workers, employees, customers, performance at work. Being prepared to make decisions in a tough moment is a sign of leadership. To quote Rudyard Kipling's poem , "IF" If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, . . . Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And — which is more — you’ll be a Man, my son! There I am sure when you wrote this, it wasn't specifically relating to making decisions, but I have always related that poem to being in tough spots and being willing to step up and make decisions. Some decisions weren't always popular, weren't always understood, but I would like to think I often made them in the interest of the greater good. I have always wanted to think of myself as being someone who was able to detach myself from the emotions of a tough moment and come up with solutions. So why do we always fear so much pressure to make the perfect decision? While no one likes to make mistakes and fail, there’s also a certain beauty and innocence in it. Through failure, we learn. We grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally when we fail. And through that growth, we adapt to our surroundings, using the past’s errors as a platform to enhance our lives well into the future. Think about a child (or even an adult for that matter) playing a video game. The number of times that he or she fails at that game is astronomical. However, through each of those iterations of failure, they learn and enhance their skill. Over time, they get better because of it. Practice definitely makes perfect, but not before a lot imperfect moments and failed opportunities. The gamer, over time, knows what to look out for, what pitfalls might come up down the road, where to turn next, how to react when enemies come in their path, and because of that, they improve their skill. But it couldn’t happen without failure. Failure is the stepping-stone to success, so you should never regret your decisions, no matter how bad the failures turn out to be because of them. Mother Nature acts somewhat akin to this as well. She fails over and over again. She makes mistakes. Plants, animals and a wide variety of life on earth including insects, reptiles, and other inhabitants, have genetic shortcomings. But through those genetic failures, they adapt over time. They adapt in order to survive. Failure is a core mechanism to long-term adaptation and survival in every sense of the word. It has always been. The universe has made countless mistakes and has had an unimaginable number of failures. But there’s no room for regret, only room for improvement. Over time, things improve because of those same failures. So no matter what happens, hold no regrets. You never know what the future might have in store for you. You never know where failures or mistakes might lead you to. I could likely sit here and recount a ton of stories to you about my life and decisions I made that didn't work out, disappoint of certain part of my life. I could share about decisions I have made in my personal and professional lives that didn't work out and had me questioning my judgement, my skills, my experience and even myself. But what I never realized at the time, and the reason why I will never regret the decisions that I made, was that it was all part of something that was building me up for the future. However, what I can tell you is this — there are very powerful reasons why you should never regret your own I might be going through on any given day, no matter how painful or hurtful or unrecoverable it might seem, there is a reason for it that I might just not get in the moment. Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” As long as we’re able to correct our mistakes without having to repeat them again and again, and as long as we’re following the right path and doing things for the right reasons, we are certainly in our right minds and no one should think otherwise. So with no certainty that a decision will work at as we hope, why should we risk making them? When we make a decision and it results in failure, it can be painful. That pain can seem to go on for an eternity, because that’s the nature of pain. When you’re knee-deep in it and wading through the hardships, regret can seem like the only natural emotion. We ask ourselves questions like, “Why did I do that?” or “How could I have been so stupid?” and “What was I thinking?” When we’re immersed in the struggle, it only seems natural to beat ourselves up. But the greater the failure, the higher the likelihood for character-building to occur. We always reflect when we fail. We ponder our inefficiencies, we review our shortcomings, and we look for ways we can enhance our character. Failure makes us more sympathetic and empathetic to the needs of others. Rather than operating on Cloud 9, we’re more aware of what’s going on right here on earth. The fear of failure is a huge inhibitor of action in life. The mere thought of failing at something can cause such an immense amount of pain, that it can act as a deterrent, stifling us into a state of complete immobilization. But the truth about failure is that the fear of it is far greater than the failure itself. Yet, we spend so much time in a state of fear, worrying about every last little thing, living our lives steeped in anxiety, engulfed in stress. The physical ailments that follow are a direct reflection of the mental, emotional, and spiritual pressure that the fear of failure puts us under. It’s far better to take a chance. Calculated risks are necessary in life. It doesn’t mean we have to throw complete caution to the wind. It just means that you should never regret your decisions when you took a shot at achieving something that you really wanted deep down inside. Let the chips fall where they may. It’s okay to make mistakes. But it’s not okay to sit idle and allow life to pass you by because you’re too afraid of regretting your decisions. However, one likely outcome of making mistakes and failing in life is that you learn the art of self-forgiveness. You learn how to love yourself no matter where your life might lead. Everything in life isn’t about money, power, and fame. Much of that are simple illusions of our society. If we were to look at how the other half of the world lives that are starving, oppressed, imprisoned, brutalized, homeless, sick, and destitute, we would appreciate what we have far more. So forgive yourself for your mistakes. Don’t harbor regrets. Don’t harbor negative energy. Let it all go. Release it to the universe and just breathe. Don’t worry so much about what other people think of you. That doesn’t define your self-worth. What matters is how you feel about yourself. Do things you love and enjoy the journey. Don’t just obsess about the destination. When you learn to forgive yourself, you learn to love yourself. And truly, in life, that’s the name of the game. We are nearly 8 billion souls on this earth all going about our lives, all working towards some end by way of some means. But most of us, at the end of the day, forget to forgive ourselves because we don’t love ourselves. We base our love on some foundation when it should just be unconditional. You’ve likely failed at a number of things. I know I have. But you’ve also likely realized that your past failures and mistakes had a purpose. They led you in a certain direction. They helped you to realize certain things and to reach certain outcomes that you might not have intended but most certainly did appreciate at the time. Don’t regret your past decisions because they led you to where you are today, no matter where that might be. Everything in life has its purpose. No matter how much pain its caused you or how terrible a situation it might have been, there is a grand design that we don’t realize. There is a fabric of unending material that weaves us all together. Each knit, bob and weave has its purpose. Every crimp in the yarn has its design. Sometimes it can hurt so badly that it’s hard to see the forest through the trees. But those are the times we have to remind ourselves of what we’ve already endured in life. We will never be given more than we can handle. We will always work things out. As long as you can keep a positive outlook on life, things do improve over time. Allow yourself that. Sometimes, the past’s mistakes and failures allow us to determine what it is we really want out of life. Often, when we rush into things blindly, without actually mapping out our goals and why we want the things that we want, we allow life to carry us away. We don’t think about the purpose or the reasons for wanting and doing certain things because we’re largely living on autopilot. When we make mistakes and fail, we gain a deeper perspective. We reach new understandings and come to new conclusions about life, love and the people around us. Failure affords us that opportunity. It’s a chance for self-reflection and digging deep into who we are and why we’re doing the things that we do. No one in life is perfect. We all fail. The stigma of failure is so big in our society that everyone shies away from it. They try to hide the imperfect selves and work arduously to portray something disingenuous and inauthentic. We shouldn’t worry so much about outward appearances. We should worry more about what’s on the inside. If you end up regretting every decision you make that results in failure, you will end up living a very convoluted and stress-filled life. Move away from that. Don’t be afraid to show the vulnerable side of yourself and don’t be so afraid of failure that it stifles you into a state of inaction. My story about the car accident was just one incident where I initially regretted my decisions in a major way and beat myself up over it. But that wasn’t it. Every time I failed in business and my company went under, I slipped into a depression. When I failed in marriage (twice), the same thing happened. But I never gave up hope. I never stopped trying. Sometimes, you just have to keep taking chances. You have to put yourself out there and take risk after risk. Today I have two beautiful children and an incredible wife along with multiple highly-successful businesses. I’ve learned so many lessons along the way, and through it all I’ve grown as a person. And so can you. Keep trying. If you’ve failed, just pick yourself up and do it again. Just make sure you take a look at your goals and why you really want something. If you have profound reasons for wanting to achieve something, in that they run deep down to your very core, you’ll see things through. Make sure that your goals are important enough to you to keep pushing on. If you fail. Try again. And again. And again. Just don’t look back and regret your decisions because they’ve made you into the person you are today.
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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