Over the last few months, since the spring to be a little more precise, I find myself being very reflective about my life, where I am, where I've been, the choices I've made ( or didn't make) and taking an inventory of what I have.
I think there are a few reasons for this reflection, most obviously it being an outcome as I get on in years but also the closing of a major chapter in my life, that being my coaching career, something I have made reference to a number of times in my posts. So why does my retirement from coaching have me reflecting on my life? It started with the Stingers announcing that I would not be back for the fall. The announcement contained a brief summary of my time at Concordia and this was shortly followed up by my induction into the Lac St Louis Soccer Hall of Fame. The presentation text that went along with my induction, was an overview of my years spent coaching. When I review these two texts, I find that there doesn't seem to much to show for 27 years of commitment, effort and dedication to a greater good. Truth be told, the words are nice but it is sad to imagine that something that played such a major role in my life for such an extended length of time can be summed up in a couple of paragraphs. Soccer and coaching is not the sum total of my life, I am much more than a soccer coach but it is the role that most people who have interacted with me in any significant manner associate me with. It seems like it is the first, last and primary thing that people refer to when they think about who I am and what I do. However, there is so much more to me than my coaching. While I don't have kids of my own, I have been with my wife since 1986 and married for the last 28 years and coaching, I have 7 nieces and nephews, two brothers, my parents still living, in laws, I am a mortgage free homeowner, have a full time job, a good life, financially stability that many would consider above the norm, have been lucky enough to travel to many spots around the glove, I many acquaintances although in reality few of what we could call close friends. People are often identified by how they are as parents or with their family, or by what they do as work. My professional career has been somewhat spotty when viewed in a vacuum. For the first twenty years of my career, I held 7 jobs, that's right 7. Do the match it it comes to an average of a little less than 3 years per job. Certainly not the image of stability. It wasn't until my 45th year that I found a job where I fully feel I am where I am supposed. I am currently in my 9th year with my current employer so considered how the first twenty years went. I am pushing the envelope one would think. Now, some context, I changed jobs a few times not by choice but due to closures or restructurings but ultimately, it was me chasing what I thought was the right environment and role. When I felt bored or unchallenged or at the start of some level of frustration, I would start to look elsewhere. Some when I consider, my work and coaching careers, which have until this summer run parallel, one can ask the question, why the stability in one and the lack thereof in the other. When I reflect on my life away from work and coaching, like anyone I can reminisce about the past and think about all the good times as well as all the challenges I have faced. This invariably leads to thinking about going back in time and what I would do differently. How might things be differently for me if I had only ....... However when you look back, how far back to you look ? What if I made different choices academically ? What if I never met my wife, or didn't decide to spend my life with her? What if I stayed at one of those jobs that I chose to bolt from at the first sign of boredom or frustration? That's the issues with rewriting the past, while you might be able to point at critical moments where you might have made a different decision, you can't ever now what might have happened from that point on. As they say, hindsight is always 20-20 as you can judge past decisions with the full knowledge of the outcomes. The truth? I would never want to go back in time and do things differently. No matter what. I would never want to undo my failures, as much as they hurt me. I would never want to unwind the clock and try to skip past the painful moments or try to live a perfect life because it’s my failures that have shaped and molded me the most. Not my successes.
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High school cliques, a term that can both reflect fond memories of friendships and shared experiences for those that belonged to a clique perceived to be a good one, or can instill thoughts of frustration and exclusion for anyone that might have felt let out. I hope anyone that reads this, especially my high school classmates will take it as intended, a fun look back at our high school years. When you get to the different groups I have indicated, I am sure some might identify with one or more groups and could see me as judging member of each, which I assure everyone is not the case. I had previously written about how I viewed myself socially back in high school ( you can read that one using the link right below this paragraph), but today's focus in more in general about high school cliques and a little tongue in cheek look at how I remember the cliques in high school. apparently-i-might-just-be-a-low-key-nerd-or-some-i-am-told.html Wanting to belong is a natural instinct, which is often heightened in the pressure-cooker that is high school. High school social groups have always existed and will always exist. If you remember high school as an occasionally awkward series of confrontations between groups of similar-grouping kids, this is a good sign that you...went to high school. Most high schools segregate by "type," whether it's age, class, ethnic background, choice of activities, academic achievement or a number of apparently measurable social factors that is essence can determine who fits, and who doesn't. Some schools are ruled by cliques that are as hardened as castes. Others don't have the same razor-sharp divisions between social groups and can seem to have nebulous lines between groups of teenagers that seem to have varying traits. How and why cliques might be ingrained in the culture of some schools and barely seem to form in others is related to many factors but often take hold in the very nature of how any high school is administered. In short, the natural instinct for teenagers to separate themselves into clusters and hierarchies is weakened when schools force kids to partner with peers they wouldn't otherwise want to be around to see first-hand the benefits of unlikely friendships. So what might these factors be ? What's behind the difference between schools, if the instinct to be around similar people is universal? In my opinion, it's not about the students nor the changing times from when I was a high school student in the late 70s and early 80s until today. No, in fact, it's about the schools, themselves. The way high schools are designed, their size, their level of diversity, and the way they treat students,etc, can either drive students to segregate based on things like household income and race and perceived social status or force them to build relationships that are more about their high school life than their backgrounds. Sometimes social cliques in high schools is simply an issue of students being anxious about finding meaningful relationships, and they respond by seeking out familiar peers who offer security, support, and protection. One might think that larger schools which might offer more choice and variety are the most likely to form hierarchies and cliques and self-segregation, whereas potential, in smaller schools, and in smaller classrooms, that simple reality might force people to interact, and therefore less hierarchical, less cliquish, and less self-segregated. School size isn’t the only factor that can affect cliques and hierarchies. Schools that group students by academics or create other ways to force kids with different backgrounds to cooperate (whether in clubs or on sports teams) may have a lesser likelihood to experience a structured development of social cliques. Something as simple as classrooms with assigned seating, can force students to sit next to and work with someone whom they wouldn’t otherwise interact, and that tends to break down the tendency to break into smaller social groups based on shared traits. Our preference for familiar people and ideas is deep-rooted, as are our anxieties about people who are different and our ambition for status within our community. But smaller schools, smaller classrooms, and forced interactions between students with different backgrounds make us different than big classes, big schools, and an unfettered freedom to pick friends by the first thing we can see about them. So what are these so called cliques. Let's start with the simple definition of "clique". A quick google search returns the follow; "a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them." This can change over time. If I use two films from different eras which claim to depict high school cliques of their times, you can see that although the names of the groups might chance, the reasoning remains the same. High school students of my generation ( or actually a little younger as I graduated in 1983 and film is from 1984) will all know the movie "Breakfast Club". The movie about a Saturday detention group share the viewpoints of 5 individuals representing 5 social groups " the brain, the athlete, the basket case, the princess and the criminal". Twenty years later, the film " Mean Girls" shared a modern take on high school life and had social groups with names like " Freshmen, JROTC guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don’t Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks and the Plastics, to name a few. In both cases, these are names taken directly from the film and in now way meant to offend. So what do I remember about my high school years and the cliques that existed ? I'd say that it was probably pretty close to what you might see from some of the movies depicted the topic of the times, Breakfast Club, 16 Candles, Say Anything and even a little Dazed and Confused. Like each generation, there were some stereotypical social cliques with they stereotypical traits. The 1980s was a time of change so I will focus more on what I remember from the early 80s when things like rap and hip-hop didn't really hit while I was in high school. Let me start with the Over-Achievers ( some might also call these the brains of the class). This crowd was a somewhat smaller group than other cliques and were dedicated to academic excellence, teacher praise, and the average and honor role. They would sacrifice social lives for as many extracurricular activities as they could cram into their day. While they share some societal overlap with the Nerd clique, Over-Achievers tended to have at least some grasp of socialization and fashion sense. Since I bring it up, let's move onto the Nerds. This would be the social clique for teens lacking in confidence, athletics, and social skills but brimming with intellect and high grades. Although they would probably never even reach first base during high school, they would become the future leaders of society and probably evolved into strong individuals after high school. This group tended to gravitate towards all the new tech items ( remember it was the early 80s so things didn't change as quickly as they do today) and arcade games. Their socialization mainly consisted of getting together with other nerds and challenging each other in a intellectually stimulating games. My 3rd group would have some traits of the first two. The so-called Popular group. Members of this group consistently hung out with all the high-profile student specifically, Populars believed that being the center of any social circle was just as important as good grades. Whatever the Populars listened to or wore tended to reflect contemporary sensibilities and might set trends in the school. In same cases, some of this group might drift into tendencies seen within the nerds in terms of intellect and grades, display some social awkwardness but being part of this group allowed them to hide in a crowd. Every school during my high school years and to some extent since, will always have some version of the Jocks group. An entire clique notable for its incredible athletics and lacking academics. Jocks are constantly working out doing training sessions and often times seeing the team coach as a stand-in father figure. Jock musical tastes might be some variety of rock, metal or music common to workout routines. The smokers, stoners or rockers, an all inclusive group that was seen as some sort of fringe group. Imagine a long-haired guy or girl in a black leather jacket or jean jacket, and you have the basic physical representation of a card carrying member of this group. They are somewhat on the outside, generally found outside as often as possible having a smoke ( of something). This group was labelled mostly by their look and not by their social, athletic or academic skills. In fact I had classmates in this group who could excel in many of the other ones. The cheerleaders or popular girls were both a subset of the popular group but also seemingly partners of the jocks. They had a heightened sense of fashion and were often judged by their physically appearance before anything else. They might be perceived as being more concerned about their looks and not being if any substance, but again, this could be an error. Yes, some used their looks and appeal to get attention and for many of us males in some of the groups always seemed beyond our reach but they were always worth getting to know. As a friend always used to say, " the popular best looking girls are always single because most guys think they have no chance so now really tried.... " And finally, the so-called outcasts or losers. Generally someone who didn't dress like everyone else was dressing, and had a little fashion sense would easily fit into this group. This was the group with the most artistic inclinations, and tended to be the type of people who weren't real interested in going to a basement parties or school dances. This group usually remained low key and could almost go unnoticed. Unlike the the nerds, this group didn't require academic performance to be of high standards and devoid of a few exceptions they tended to fall into the middle of the road academically though. No one made the thought out decision to join this group but rather this social clique was where anyone went if they failed to fit into any of the other cliques. Perhaps downtrodden by years of being teased, this group was perceived as having no cool identifying characteristics, and they seemed to lack charisma. They tended to be shy, quiet, and lack social skills. I am sure anyone who reads this, can contradict some of my thoughts or come up with different variations. Truth is that I don't think anyone fit into any one group 100% but rather drifted towards the group where they fit they best fit. In some cases, some might have taken on personas in order to try and fit into a group where they might feel appreciated or at least comfortable. For me personally, if I think back to how I view myself, I can see myself fitting into a few of the groups above, even the so called less popular, and I can also remember working really hard to fit in. After all, isn't that the essence of high school, figuring out who you are and where you fit in. I don't think which high school clique we might have been in 35 years ago determines who we can be today or at any period of our adulthood, but it certainly laid a foundation. Comments and feedback always appreciated. There’s something about being in your 50s that makes you think about the past. For my personally, I think its also the closing of one significant part of my life ( my coaching career) that has made me start to take stock of my life in a different manner.
Maybe it’s the realization that there is in all likelihood less in front of me than there is behind me, or that I am actually starting to plan and look forward to my retirement from working. There is both a scary and exciting feeling thinking that in a fairly short period of time, the routine that has been happening for 30+ years will soon be gone and I will be have tons of time on my hands to do as I choose. Maybe it is that for many, I should be at a time in my life when I'm supposed to have it all figured out. Maybe it’s just because in your teens, being in one's 50s seemed like it would make on ancient and yet in my mind I am still full of life and energy. But with my retirement from coaching soccer and my "real retirement" looming within the next 5 years tops or so , I can’t help but think about how much time has gone by and how many moments I’ve experienced. And for some reason, in part because of a reunion dinner I attended in October, I can’t help but feel a little nostalgic for those high school days I was in such a rush to leave behind. I can’t help but think about how long it’s been since I’ve seen some of the people who were so important to me. Recently, I find myself thinking about some long-forgotten moments and some faces I haven’t seen in years. I thought about the group of friends I grew up with, I shared fun times with, and I eventually lost touch with. It made me a little sad to think about all those names and faces that were so important to me and yet no longer play any role in my life. I remember being in my final year of high school and having everyone tell me to enjoy the last months because soon, my friends would be gone and we’d lose touch. I thought everyone was crazy. That could never happen to us. We were such a close-knit group. We wouldn’t let that happen. We were so confident and sure of ourselves then, thinking we had it all figured out but who could blame us? We were just typical teenagers who thought the friendships would last forever and that our shared memories would endlessly expand. We thought the weekly parties, group outings and from we perceived as being acts of rebellion vs adulthood, would go on because how could they not? We didn’t realize real life, university, and our individual paths would sever the links that made some many of use friends. It didn’t happen all at once. The change was methodically slow to the point we didn’t realize what happened until it was too late. The get-togethers or phone calls were fewer and farther in between, and the broken night out promises seemed to become more the norm. We found new friends we seemed to connect more with and they filled some of the voids felt as the high school friendships seemed to fade. Suddenly, one day, it felt to call or maybe even seek you out for a chat. Suddenly, we realized we didn’t know what to say anymore, that we didn’t know what made each other laugh or if planning to go out for drinks together would even be fun. Everything that made us friends, that made us have a seemingly unbreakable bond, was somehow immature and a folly of our youth. Suddenly, we realized we weren’t in each others’ lives anymore. Now, maybe I am projecting. Maybe that is how I reacted and felt and I am in the minority. However, something definitely happened to me where I felt that I was longer welcome or connected to my high school friends. Sure, I might run into some of you and we would chat like old times and talk about things we had experienced, but for me, something was lost and I somehow convinced myself that it was ok, that is part of life as I was growing up. It’s been years since I’ve talked to many of you, the faces from my high school years. Still, I can’t help but think about how your faces are all carved into my memories. It just takes a image, song or a phrase to send me flying back to those days that were both simple and complex. I think about hanging out in the cafeteria during lunch taking about who liked who, who was hosting the next party, going out to the school yard where we came up with all kinds of games to challenge each other athletically. I think about all of the crazy hairstyles and fashion changes we went through, thinking how great we look, only to look back now and thinking , we were so young and naive. People loved the sitcom "The 70s Show: but we lived it. I think about the nerves of my first slow dance and the basement parties that seemed to take place every week. I think about high school dances and our graduation ball, the drama we thought would shape our lives that now seems so trivial. I wonder where some of you are now, if you ever think about all those moments, too. I wonder if, sometimes, you think about what we all had together, our group of friends, and what we’ve let go. Because I think the thing we didn’t realize is that the link that held us together connected us to ourselves, too. It was a link to our past and to the years that shaped us. Sometimes we like to tell ourselves that high school was the worst part of our lives or that it didn’t matter. In some ways, that might be correct. However, I think those days, those friendships, those connections grounded us in who we would become. In many ways, I don’t know that guy I was in high school. I’ve remember myself as a shy, introvert individual who felt liked and welcome but lacked the confidence to stand out. Through the eyes of my 53 year old self, I imagine myself playing a role that everyone around me expected me to be. The funny guy that made others guys laugh but didn't inspire leadership, the friend guy that girls liked confiding in and talking to but might not really consider a possible boyfriend. I think I've lost the sense of shyness and deferring to others and embraced that I had a voice to assert myself and take charge. I sometime find myself looking back and think about what I could have done, or should have done differently and how it might have made something turn out different in life but I’ve learned as so many of us do, that it is far from perfect. I miss those easier times that we thought were so, so hard. Everything I learned during high school is the foundation of who I am today. Still, today, thinking of all of you, of all the memories I now treasure, I’ve realized that all is not lost. The times we had, the photos I have, they are all connections to you and to who I was. They are reminders of a time when life was a little less gritty and raw. They are reminders of the dreamer I was and the connections we had. When I do get to touch base I enjoy comparing shared memories and hearing about how I was perceived by each of you versus how I thought I was seen. We can compare who we are today with who we were, or thought we were. One benefit of age and experience is we can rewrite our memories and experience. enhancing and appreciating them for what they really were and how important they were in our lives. We can also realize that those dramatic moments that we thought were so devastating , we simply obstacles in our path that allowed us to grow. So, wherever you are, I hope you are doing well. I hope you are finding this life to be all that you hoped for. Most of all, I hope that you haven’t forgotten the moments we shared together. I hope that, in some distant time, if we run across each other, you will smile and say “hello,” knowing that the link that is tarnished isn’t completely gone. Because the thing about true friendship is that the link can never truly be gone, no matter how much time goes by. And I for one, as I get older, I long to reconnect with old friends, to not worry how there is less time left ahead of me but to appreciate the time that is behind me. One of the fundamentals of participation in team sports has always been and will always be the issue about equal playing time. I think rare is the individual who plays teams sports but isn't driven by the desire to play as much as possible. Playing time is important to every athlete, whether at the youth recreational level or the highest professional leagues. The impact and rewards of playing of course are different given the levels.
So many ask the questions; is equal playing time important ? should it be mandated in youth sport? The debate about equal playing time is in fact a debate about the value of inclusion in sport. At the heart of the value of inclusion is the belief that anyone who wants to play sport should have the opportunity. This would include access to fair try-outs, equipment, facilities and teams. Any version of fair sport requires that each participant gets fairly considered based on his or her merits. Within the value of inclusion sits the issue of playing time. One way of being inclusive is to ensure that all team members play the same amount of time in a game or, alternatively, over the course of a season all team members have roughly the same amount of playing time. That is, in both instances, if you make the team you get to play. It is a hot button issue in youth sport. As more and more club / community and school sports teams incorporate various versions of “equal playing time” into their competitive programs, perhaps we are seeing a subtle shift that will serve to instill character in kids and increase our opportunities for excellence. At the same time thought, we are seeing a certain professionalization of youth sport, with the influx of travel teams, the competition pyramid, academies, sports camps and the move away from volunteer coaches usually a parent to coaches receiving varying levels of compensation. Today, teams in some cases are pre-selected, with players getting guaranteed spots and playing time because of who they are and not what they can do. This, some of the time, leads to trouble as the best teams are not always chosen, some kids do not get equal playing time and that leads to discontent among players and parents. Youth sport teams remain, for the most part, coached and managed by parents of the players. By the time they look after the needs of the kids of their own staff, some kids do not get the equal opportunity at playing time. In addition, there is the parental hope for kids at a certain level to show enough promise to make a higher level, A, AA, AAA of whatever group categorization method your local sports' clubs might use. So should every kid receive equal playing time? That is a tough question, with the logical answer being yes. There comes a time when your season is on the line, and that is where a coach can be creative to keep everyone happy. Everyone wants to win the game, but experience tells me that the most successful coaches are the ones that get the total team effort out of all their players. I do not think that too many would be upset if a coach used everyone to get to the end, and then maybe discreetly used his best at the end. The coach does have an obligation to the rest of the team to try and win, and sometimes it takes their best players to do so. The problems arise when a coach thinks that every game is a must-win, and therefore always plays his best players. It is not easy to coach youth sports today, but those coaches that give equal opportunity and are fair to his or her players are usually the ones who have the most success and minimal problems. I have often witnessed the discussion that goes on between parent and child when it comes to playing time. When youth players complain to their parents about playing time, many can imagine the typical parental response to this all-to-common situation of engaging in the whispering bleacher banter or yelling profanities at the coach throughout the game pointing out all the obvious flaws of all those other players who are seemingly getting undeserved playing time. To many parents rush to put the onus on someone or something else as to why their child isn't play "enough" or more. From experience, rare is the parent who chooses to put responsibility on his or her child to make them realize that maybe they need to improve their performance and / or attitude in order to increase playing time. The simple reaction of a parent will often lead to the attitude a youth athlete will display towards the notion of taking accountability and ownership of their own efforts and development. When we are talking about youth sport, let's say anything below U14 or pee-wee ( I think) coaches should be in the development business as, I think, the true measure of a good coach is how much better their team is at year-end, and how much better each player is. However by the time kids reach this imaginary boundary between youth and competitive sport ( and again it can be somewhat fluid), the idea of equal playing time should not be seen as a requirement. Lower level activities require equal playing time, enforce no-cut policies, and do a great job at allowing kids to hone their skills and try new roles, positions, etc. so they can find their strengths. By the time kids reach a certain level of competitive sport, they are competing for larger goals and perhaps preparing for participation with competitive travel teams or university varsity teams. Not everyone is going to get equal playing time. Not everyone is going to get an A on his or her test. Not everyone is going to get the same amount of stage time. Not everyone can be first chair in the band. Not everyone is going to be a starter. People earn these things by their performance. When you are on a competitive team of any kind you have to realize you are competing! You are competing not only as a team, but also you are competing for specific spots and roles. This is not a bad thing. This is a time to find strengths and weaknesses. It is a time to find likes and dislikes. It is a time to learn life lessons. If you have seen the movie Rudy, based on a true story, you get the message the dedication and hard work overcomes all. We cannot expect everyone to have the resilience of Rudy Ruettiger, but an attitude like his paired with hard work, listening to coaches, showing up to perform and displaying good character and teamwork can benefit a player as well as the whole team. Unfortunately, even with hard work and great attitudes, some kids just aren’t cut out for certain activities. Myself, for example, I was not a terrible gifted soccer player but I reached a certain level by working hard, being ultra competitive and playing to my strengths. However at the same time, I knew that no matter how much I might practice and train, there was a level I would never be able to attain. We all must understand our capabilities. Parents, teachers and coaches need to help their children by setting a good example of sportsmanship instead of instilling entitlement. When someone joins a competitive activity and find that they are not able to honorably ride the roller coaster of emotions then maybe competitive activities are not one of their strengths. However, equal playing time in youth sports, especially up to the age of 13 or 14, is an integral part of providing every player with match practice. What they learn during practice and drilling has to be tried out in a real game environment so that each player can successfully adopt it. It’s also more important for a coach working with a team at this level to make sure they are cognizant of working with players to develop skills individually. Kids grow at different rates. A star-player with great talent and potential in one season might decline as other players start catching up especially as they go through growth spurts and the athleticism catches up. But a balanced team can rely on teamwork to overcome specific skill deficits. With that said, there are many more benefits for allowing young athletes to engage in this equal participation rule and the focus should be on having fun while developing skills for the game. In my opinion, once children reach an older age, there can be more emphasis on playing time and who gets to play when. The question is, what is the appropriate age where this shift in equal playing time becomes a lesser issue? I think by the time the athletes reach 14 or 15 years of age, they should be able to make the choice of either embarking on the competitive route or the recreational/house league division. In the competitive route, coaches will be able to play who they think is best at the right time and not worrying as much about why one child is playing less than the other. On the other hand, the recreational/house-league route allows this “equal playing time” and playing for fun model to still come into play. I think the house league option is more for just further developing those skills in the sport. I do feel that mandating equal playing time at all costs however is a potential problem. If athletes arrive to practice ( or don't attend) , knowing that no matter what, they will still get a certain amount of allotted equal playing time it can certainly lead to bad habits and a sense of entitlement. Sports are a great way to convey messages or work ethic, teamwork and good social interaction and part of that in my opinion is learning that a spot on a team is earned. Part of the reason why coaches play only their best players is to ultimately win the game. Everyone has expectations; however, the common denominator with these expectations is that parents, coaches, and athletes want to win the game. Parents will all talk about the importance of equal playing time, until the team loses because a perceived weaker player was played. Then all of a sudden these same parents will complain. The question is, how do we win games without sacrificing the development of the weaker players? More times than not, young children don’t care about winning to the same extent as really wanting to get a chance to play the game. From experience, I know that it is hard to only be winning by a couple of goals and have to put in one of your weaker players, possibly giving up the lead; however, it is crucial for these players to develop their skills for the sport by playing those tough games. I could probably write for pages and pages on the topic and for every opinion I put down, someone could find a contradictory argument and have us both be right. Ultimately, I think it is about balance and more about equitable rather than equal playing time. Everyone should have the chance to earn playing time on equitable terms, but there should be some merit in earning it so as to value effort and hard work. to be continued ? As 2018 slowly comes to a close, I felt motivated to write something that would reflect a little on the year that was for me, however more importantly on a bigger scale about peoples ability to adapt to change.
This past year, saw a few milestone changes, nothing overly dramatic mind you, no loss of a family member or close friend, no job change, I didn't retire, suffer any illness or purchase a new house. Some examples of what for most people might constitute change. Some of those have occurred at various times over the course of my life, some have been positive and some not. Let me start by saying that I consider myself fortunate and have a good and even great life. I have been married for 27 years ( yes with the same woman) and met her 32 years ago. I have a job I enjoy even those like any job it can be stressful at times and certainly frustrating on occasion, I am a homeowner with no mortgage, in good health and how only only lost a few family members ( an aunt 35 + years ago, both grandmothers and my mother in law in 2016). I never knew my grandfathers since one passed away before my birth and the second left my grandmother and lost touch with his family also before my birth. I have had good life, filled with ups and downs like anyone but overall, a good life. So 2018 had one big, impactful change for me. As anyone who read the blog regularly or follows me on twitter knows, I retired from coaching. In the biog scheme of life it is isn't life altering but it was significant since for 27 years, coaching was a big part of my life, a constant that defined much of my personality and value system. There were a few minor changes, I am now wearing a beard for the first time ever and purchased an SVU as part of a more active lifestyle my wife and I are trying to enjoy, however these two might be as much symbols of my adapting to life without coaching, a new look and attitude as much as they are actual changes. Truth be told, since the winter, I had started to hear the little voice inside me that maybe it was time to stop coaching. Don't get me wrong, I still loved it, I enjoyed the rush of sport, of being on the field leading practice and certainly game day, but the time commitment and energy required were starting to take their toll. Rather than looking forward to plan the next season, I was looking for reasons to continue coaching. For 27 years, basically the entirety of my married life, I have spent coaching almost year round, Certainly for the years with the Quebec teams and at university, it could represent as many as 900 to 1000 hours yearly. so basically the equivalent of 50% of a regular job, on top of my regular job. So for the first fall in 17 years, I found myself with lots of free time and I told myself from the outset that I would not replace the hours spent at coaching just sitting around the house doing nothing and thinking about what I didn't have any more. I used the extra free time to explore new activities, get things done around the house and most importantly, thank my wife for the years she had spent picking up the slack while I was away on a field somewhere. I told her to find an activity she might have wanted to do in past autumns but maybe felt she didn't have the time for and to do ahead and try. That I would take care of things at home, it became ONE way of adapting to my new found time. So this leads my into the meat of today's blog post, dealing with change. There are two sayings, "change is constant" and "change is a constant". "Change is constant" means that change is occurring continuously, while "change is a constant" means that change is an always-to-be-expected condition. While the two might seem on the face of it very similar, the choice between the two terms thus depends on context and what you want to emphasize. Things change constantly. Loved ones die; jobs end, as do relationships. People get promoted, couples bond in marriage, and babies are born. Guess what? The positive changes can be as hard to adapt to as the negative ones. Here are some tips on adjusting to change, both good and bad, to help make life easier. When a good change appears, accept it with grace. You may not believe you deserve it, or you just may not be ready for it, but the only way to move forward and get the most out of it is to embrace the positivity, however it shows up. When a negative change is looming, start looking for alternatives before it actually happens, if you can. For example, if you know your company is in trouble and you are hearing things that are making you insecure, don’t wait to get laid off, but start looking for another job. Even if your current position isn’t changed, you will have gained valuable experience and maybe a better gig. Change is constant, so we usually don’t notice the little or the expected changes; it’s when you are caught off-guard that you can get discombobulated. The trick is to know that it is just one of the millions of changes that are going to happen in your life and, good or not so good, do what you can to just roll with it. Emotional changes can be the hardest to adjust to. For example, when your heart gets broken, acceptance is not always an easy option. You may not have the strength or understanding to be objective. In cases like this, you need to process your feelings, and this can take some time. If you want it to go faster, see a therapist. When you start to develop feelings for another human being, it is as though everything changes. Generally, people who are falling in love see life differently, and it’s real easy to get caught up in the feelings and ignore whatever else is going on. Take care of the day-to-day, and enjoy your sweetheart. I am a big believer in taking ownership and accountability for owns actions and lot on life. Some of the best moments in my life have been when I've make a conscious decisions to accept that certain are my own and not blame them on parents, work colleagues, the faceless "other". This is a bog component of being able to adapt to change as it happens. Too much time and energy is wasted playing the "why me" game instead of just hunkering down and finding a solution. If the changes in your life are overwhelming, you don’t have to deal with them all by yourself. Friends, family, support groups, and counselors are available, but you do have to reach out and ask, which can be hard. It may be a struggle, but you don’t have to suffer. The love of those who care for you can make life much easier to deal with. If you are someone who hates change, then you are going to have to at least tolerate it when it happens. There is no law saying that you have to like what’s going on, but you do have to find a way to cope, because change happens, like it or not. Life can be difficult to navigate in our fast-moving society. Things are changing so quickly these days that by the time you’ve opened the box of your new cell phone, it’s probably out of date. Learning (at your own pace) to deal with the changes going on around you is a great survival tool. We used to say “Go with the flow,” and that may be the most comfortable way to deal with the future. Yes, people like stability, change can be scary, but life is always changing. An optimistic view is to say that change is progress. Recently in local news there was a story about a 8 year girl who was playing with a novice C team as goalie and was pulled off the team but club officials after parents of other team members had complained that she was not good enough and was costing her team too many games. The club gave into parental pressure and removed her from the team " in her best interests" . We are talking here about novice C after all and yet, rather than deal with the parents, the club chose to pull the child.
Parents being too involved in their kids sports and being ultra competitive and focused on results over the development and more importantly enjoyment of their kids in nothing new in youth sports. I have dealt with many a parents who felt their daughter was the next great one and felt she should playing more, or treated differently or couldn't understand why she wasn't yet on the national team. However, parents being to present in their kids sports participation isn't just about playing time or results but can have ramifications that go well beyond the playing surface. One such example from my own coaching career..... in my final year with the provincial program, I was working with the U16s and during our final activity, a residency camp in the states, I noticed that one of our two team captains just seemed off. Her play on the field while still above average wasn't to her usual standards and her body language and attitude was giving off signals that something was wrong. On the bus ride back, I spent time chatting with players one on one when I got to her I shared my perceptions with her. She replied that she was simply a little overwhelmed and tired, both physically and mentally between soccer and her work as a lifeguard. Her club team was due to participate in a tournament in a few days where she would play up to 4 or 5 games in 3 days and she was dreading it. I asked her about taking the tournament off and she quickly said her dad wouldn't let her. I offered to speak to her father and she seemed ok with it. The next day, I called her father and explained my observations and the discussion I had with his daughter ( not mentioning her comment about her dad not letting her skip the tournament) and suggesting that it might benefit for her to scale back her playing a bit this weekend. He quickly replied that he knew his daughter better than I did and that this tournament was "fun" because it was a chance for all the parents to hang out and that the team generally did well at it and she would play. Well, fast forward, in the second game of the tournament early Saturday morning, she went for a challenge and came out with a concussion and broken nose. I can't say for sure that her fatigue was a direct cause of the injury but having worked with her for two years, and seen her dominant athletically and physically, I do think it played into the situation. We are talking about a player who was a top provincial team player, who would go on to play 4 years in the NCAA and yet her father fit it important she play in a club tournament because it was fun for the parents to hang out..... This leads me into my thoughts about parents and their involvement in their kids sports participation. I share this as a long time coach, who has worked at various levels and age groups and who full disclosure is not a parent so I can't share from that perspective. One of your most essential goals in children's lives as athletes is to have them gain ownership of their participation. They need to feel that their sport is their thing. But ownership isn't just something that they can gain on their own. Rather, it is a gift that parents give them that offers so many wonderful benefits to their development as young athletes and, more importantly, as young people. It is also something that can be taken away from them with ease by overzealous parents. Perhaps the greatest obstacle to children gaining that ownership of their sport occurs when parents commandeer the ownership to meet their own needs. From all my years of coaching, there are a variety of red flags that tend to show up when parents start to take too much of a place in their kids sports lives and are clear indicators of parents putting their own needs ahead of those of their children, and perhaps "stealing" the children's athletic life. In the zealousness to see their children find athletic success, parents can be in danger of becoming so involved in their children's efforts that they may not distinguish between their own needs and those of their children. Many involved in youth sports talk about a type of "reverse dependency" in which parents over identify with their child's experience and define their own self-worth based on the success of their children. Sports may actually become more important to them than it is to the kids themselves. This excessive interest on a parent's part, rather than promoting participation, undermines their interest by taking away their ownership of their sport. Children may develop the perception that the sport is no longer theirs because the parents seem more invested in it than they are. In essence, parents seem to merge with their children in their athletic efforts. And when parents do merge with their children, the can assume roles that are outside of their purview as a parent, such as doing all scheduling without their child's input, talking too much about their sport, attending all practices and competitions, and coaching the children (even when they might not really know much about the sport). An early sign is that you take responsibility away from them, such as constantly asking them whether they have maintained their equipment properly or are adequately prepared for an upcoming competition. The clearest and scariest signs that parents might be merging with a child ( again sports wise) is if they enter the "we" zone, meaning they begin talking about their children's sports participation in terms of how "we" did, for example, "We had a great game today" or "We qualified for Junior Nationals." Not being a parent ( but an uncle a few times over ) and having had a somewhat involved parents myself, I can only assume that one of the great joys of being a parent is sharing in the children's achievements. Excitement for their successes and disappointment for their failures are a normal and healthy part of parenting. But sharing in a child's sports participation doesn't mean living through them. Sharing their experiences places the focus on them. The emphasis is on what the experience means to the children, the emotions they are feeling, the lessons they learn, and the benefits they gain from their sport. When children perform well, parents should be thrilled FOR them. When they perform poorly, parents should feel their sadness. With sharing, it is all about your children. When a sports parent lives vicariously through their children, the focus is on themselves, the parents' emotions, what the experience means to them, what they gain from it. When children have good competitions, the parents can feel like they have succeeded. When your children have bad competitions, parents feel that they have failed. A little break to share once again share a little experience, this past fall, with the coaching change with my former team a parent posted on Facebook about how "they" were loving the new coach who had new tactics and focus. Fact was that his daughter had started off playing more and being more involved in the game plan that she had in 3 years with me as coach and now "they" were happy with a new coach. As if the change had impacted the parent's life also. I can only imagine how tough being a kid is these days. Children have so many responsibilities including school, family, social life, and their sports participation. These challenges alone are sufficient to burden children in the instant gratification, instant social media, viral reaching age of information availability. Then if and when parents become overly invested in their children's sport, it may also place on them the additional responsibility of having to make the parent feel validated and happy. If a parent does not gain sufficient meaning and satisfaction from your own life and look to their kids' sport involvement as the primary source of ego-gratification, parents' self-esteem becomes dependent on how their children perform in their sport. Imagine the burden. Every time children compete, a parent's happiness may lay squarely on their shoulders. If they succeed, parents can feel fulfilled and if they do poorly, parents might feel a sense of despair. Imagine the pressure children might feel when they walk onto the field, rink, or court knowing a parent's is on the line and it is entirely on their shoulders! The first red flag that might signal that parents are placing too much responsibility for happiness on their children's shoulders relates to the strength of a parents emotions compared to their kid's. When parents are more nervous before competitions than the children are, more excited when they succeed, and more disappointed when they don't perform up to expectations, it is a clear indication that something is wrong. I have often coached athletes where I was convinced that they didn't particularly or no longer enjoyed playing soccer but seemed to continue for the fear of disappointing their parent(s). Sports are seductive. Fame ( with this being relative ) and fortune ( ok for the most part this is a stretch) resulting from athletic success appear to be waiting for children if only they have the talent and determination to reach that level. They could be the next Olympic champion or multi-million dollar "bonus baby." This dream can cause some to lose perspective on sports' intrinsic value of fun, life lessons, and life-long health. If parents buy into this unrealistic perspective and direct their energy based on this illusion, they could be setting children up for failure and ultimately both the child and the parent for disappointment. When anyone is seduced by the same naive perspective which might lead to the perspective that anything less that total success and it's all focus on all sports and the exclusion of anything else, parents are inflicting potentially long-term and irreparable harm to children's personal development. The odds of your children becoming great athletes are also infinitesimally small. I'm not saying that children shouldn't dream big (if they don't aim for the sky, they won't even get to the top of the mountain), but that shouldn't be the focus for sports parents. And definitely no one should expect a financial return on an investment from the children's athletic lives. In a parent's zealousness to encourage children's athletic development, there is a danger of pushing them harder and harder, even when they may not be prepared for the increased demands. For example, children might get registered to attend training camps all summer when they would benefit more from a few weeks of camps along with fun and activities unrelated to the sport. Parents today seem to be anxiously concerned with early learning and as such if a child has a slow start, parents' anxiety to prove he or she is OK may lead them to push her to do things before they are ready. An environment full of pressure is likely to become a strained, joyless one and this leads to the eventuality that they might have trouble coping with the demands of our complicated society. By placing children in practice and competitive situations in which they are over matched, it may be inadvertently inhibiting, rather than facilitating, their interest, achievement, and enjoyment in their sport. The essential question: Why would anyone put children in situations in which they are over matched? One reason may be that a parent has overstated their children's capabilities. They may not have a realistic understanding of their athletic abilities. They may use peer comparisons in judgments. A parent's own ego, disappointment with their own athletic shortcomings and they to fulfill their own achievement needs can cause parents to over match your children. Because of the parents' emotional investment in their sport, they may have difficulty admitting that they are anything but the most talented athlete out there. Wanting to "fast-forward" development is another reason for over matching children. In our society where achievement is so highly revered and rewarded, some may feel pressure to give children every advantage by putting them on what is believed is the fast track to success. This urgency shows itself in the need to get children involved with personal trainers, private coaches, and too much competition at too early an age. Parents may also feel the need to keep up with the perceived success of others not to mention feedback given by the parents of other kids. Unfortunately, too many fail to realize that development can't be rushed; the necessary time and effort has to be put in and children have to be allowed to develop at their own pace. I and many of peers I have had discussion and we tend to believe that pushing children too quickly up the development ladder will actually slow their progress. It's important to embrace the initial romance stage of development by emphasizing play, fun, and exploration. During this stage, children can learn fundamental skills and develop a love for the achievement activity. Rushing children through their development can interfere with the emergence of these areas and leave them with inadequate motivation and skills to be successful later in their development in their sport and as members of society. I don't question parents intentions towards their child sports' involvement and the reality is that it is a minority who really take their involvement in their kids' sports to the extremes exampled above, however like many things it is often the very vocal minority who impact the majority. Think back to the example I started today's post with... some parents complained and another child was removed from the team. Food for thought. No two people have the exact same thoughts on what is or is not inspiring. However, there are a few things that are globally considered to be inspirational. We hear stories almost daily about teachers, coaches, leaders, and sometimes everyday individuals who have inspired others by their word, acts or simply how they conduct themselves. Inspiration comes in many forms, but what exactly is inspiration? What that does word really mean?
Let's start with the textbook definition. If you do a google search on the definition of inspiration, you will find a few different variation of what defines inspiration but the most common replies that come back are; "The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative." "A person or thing that inspires." "A sudden brilliant or timely idea." and of course there is the literal physical act of inspiration referring to taking in a breath which for this post is not of relevance but yet very important. So if we take the first three definitions, we can see that inspiration can be a process, a person or an idea. What it would mean to me then is that inspiration can de summed up as one of those things that you can really describe it with accuracy in a way that will generate a universal image but you can certainly recognize it when you see it. Has anyone ever inspired you to change your life in a significant way that made you healthier, happier, or more fulfilled? If so, you understand the difference that positive inspiration can make in a person’s life. Inspiration is powerful, but it isn’t easy. Would you like to return the favor by making a positive difference in the life of your friends, family, or co-workers? If you want to be a positive influence capable of inspiring your loved ones to become better versions of themselves, there are a few common traits that are found in people that tend to inspire. If you can’t show a person that you genuinely care about them, do you think you will be able to inspire them? The answer is a resounding, “NO!” Show people you care through your words and your actions as even the smallest acts of kindness can go a long way. When you start with that, it can cascade. The saying “enthusiasm is contagious” is common enough to be cliché, but it’s a cliché because it’s true. Reflect enthusiasm every day to the people you are in contact with and I’m willing to wager if you are genuine in your human interactions, over the long haul, smiles, positive energy, and caring concern will be returned exponentially. Their is a saying that trust is hard to earn but easy to lose. Throughout my coaching and work careers, not to mention personal interactions, I have found this to be very true. Avoiding workplace gossip or unnecessary drama in your social networks may lead you to be see as a positive influence that people are unafraid to talk to. It’s easy to criticize people, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. Think about it: how do you react if someone insults your intelligence, makes fun of your outfit, or criticizes your performance? Whether the criticism is justified or not, I bet you get upset. No one likes to be criticized, so if you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say it at all. It’s easy to let the everyday stresses affect your confidence and self esteem as a human being, but if you want to inspire people around you, learn to stand your ground through thick and thin. Stand firm if you want to show the people around you that even the worst of circumstances can be overcome with positive thinking, continuous improvement, and the ability to rise above while focusing on the positives. Now, that is something that everyone will acknowledge is much easier said than done. Although it is important to not flinch when life throws us a curve-ball, it is equally important to acknowledge the fact that we are all human beings here, and thus are all inherently flawed. Everyone has at least one glaring weakness or two, so accept your short-comings to humanize yourself so people can relate to you on a deeper level. Show me a person who claims to be without fault and I’ll show you a liar. How people react to insults or criticism speaks highly about their ability to inspire others. If you respond to hate with more hate, how are you any better than the person who started the confrontation? ( authors note at this point and small hint: you’re not!) No matter how out-of-place or harsh an insult was, it’s best to stay calm and cool, because getting upset will not make you feel any better (and it certainly won’t inspire people around you). Shrug off insults like they didn’t happen and those who witness your unflinching nature might be inspired to do the same. Being a good communicator requires the ability to listen AND understand. Anyone can hear the words other people say, but not many people can actively listen and comprehend those words to fully understand the meaning behind them. Make eye-contact if someone talks to you about their problems and ask follow-up questions to show them you care about what they are going through and want to understand where they are coming from as well as you can. One common thing about inspirational individuals is that they are unafraid to challenge convention, to get out of their comfort zones and dare to be ambitious even under the toughest of conditions. No one will be inspired by a person who resigns themselves to “reality” (such a dreadful place that sounds devoid of hope or personal growth in my opinion). Be ambitious, aim high, and never surrender if you want to inspire people that they, too, can accomplish anything they set their mind to. The simply way you carry yourself can be inspirational, body language is a power tool. Keep your head high and eyes forward so you can say, “Hello,” or, “How are you?” to everyone you walk past. Walk with a friendly swagger that reflects confidence in who you are. No matter how wonderful you are, you’re just one person, so I’m sure others have contributed to your greatest successes in life. If you are seen as someone that can inspire, or are recognized as a good leader, then I am pretty sure that it is in some if not large part because somewhere along your path, there was someone who made your life a little bit better or was able to motivate you to lead your life a certain way. Acknowledge these contributions publicly if at all possible to show people you’re humble and thoughtful enough to give credit where it’s due. We are all equal human beings regardless of our gender, politics, race, religion, and other factors. Love and care for people without consideration of these irrelevant factors that have no influence on the quality of a person. Treat others how they want to be treated, no matter their background, to inspire trust and confidence. When you field yourself in a leadership role, when you are trying to inspire, it can be very easy and tempting to take on the traits of those people who have influenced you in some way. A lot of us have a variety of “selves” that come out depending on the social situation: home, work, and friends all require a different image that we might work to project. But putting on a different show for every group of people you encounter is super exhausting, and it’s certainly not a good way to inspire people around you. Would you place your confidence in a person who was so uncomfortable in their personality that they felt the need to pander to whatever crowd they were with? Embrace your true self without apology. Anyone who thinks they have all the answers is kidding themselves, so make a point of challenging your beliefs on a regular basis. If you’re fiscally conservative, explore a well-thought out piece by someone on the opposite end of the political spectrum so you can see the other side of the story. Have conversations with people who believe differently than you do to learn what makes them tick. It’s unlikely you’ll change your mind, and if you really believe something with conviction, it should hold up to scrutiny. Your openness will show others that you are so firm in your convictions that you’re willing to challenge your beliefs. You’ll also develop trust in people who think differently than you do, who otherwise might have been afraid to approach you. Don’t merely give people step-by-step advice, but instead give them the freedom to figure it out by themselves. No one likes a micro-manager. If you’re asked for help, deliver a rough guideline to get a person moving in the right direction, but intentionally leave something left to the imagination so they will have the freedom to fill-in-the-blanks. When a person discovers they are capable of figuring things out by their lonesome, they will discover they are more powerful than they ever thought possible. So if you made it all the way to this point, you might come to the conclusion that I've really oversimplified who to be an inspiration. If you know me fairly well, you could draw that conclusion that my actions don't match my words, at least not the ones that I have put down in today's blog-post. You would right on both accounts. There is a lot of do as I say and not as I do in this article and I have presented a somewhat utopian view of how easy it can be to inspire those around you. What I would say is that knowing how is just a start to the process, find your own way to try and be inspiring is a challenge, and being able to do it consistently is probably one of the toughest things you might experience in life. As I was writing today's words, there were parts that I thought about and really identified with and others that I know I come up short on many time. All I can say is that each day, I wake up striving to reach the ideals I have written about today, sometimes, I succeed, sometimes I fail but I also try. Most kids enjoyed Christmas morning, for sure while they still might believe in Santa Claus and perhaps even after, but I dreaded it. Oh, I loved the smell of Mom's baking coming from the kitchen, the turkey with her delicious stuffing, the pies, the little dainty cakes and cookies. Watching Dad whistling as he worked on the tree lights, seemingly fighting each year to untangle them from the mess of the previous year, like can't he ever learn. My brothers usually bursting from bed and scampering like wild animals towards the tree and the presents piled high underneath. The frenzy began without fanfare. Mom would join Dad on the couch, sipping coffee, and observe with delight as wrapping and ribbons streamed into the air amidst screams of "I wanted just that!" and "Oh, thank you, thank you!"
But I held back. I think my parents always eyed me with a little concern back the, wondering if I was maybe a strange child back then, for I would stand in the doorway, a blank stare on my face, my 14 year old long, lanky frame leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, watching. Mom's eyes occasionally would look my way and I'd read a shred of worry. I'd smile a little to reassure her, but she wasn't fooled. All I saw was the presence, just beyond the living room where all the light and festivities took place. Just beyond lay the darkness. With the arrival of "Her". Breakfast was pastries and coffee or hot chocolate for the young ones and, if we were very good, a sample of the treats intended for the company destined to arrive later in the day. That's when all the goodies were laid out on the family heirloom table built for twelve, and twelve there would be. The best linens, the best plates and cutlery, the best food. And "Her". My parents knew what she did to us, and they didn't care. They seemed to think it was funny, but I didn't. It had been going on since I was four, and the ten years between had done nothing to quell my horror. How could my parents allow it? Why did they not protect me? "She" was Aunt Helen. When I was very young, I didn't understand how beautiful she was, but as I reached my teens, it began to dawn on me. Which made what she did all the worse. Even when I was very young, when she arrived and whirled through the front door like a movie star wrapped in high fashion and the airs of upper class she'd ruffle my hair, which spiked up like a skunk's tail and say "How's it going, Nerdy Boy?" I hated that. I didn't know what a "nerdy boy" was, but I could tell it was someone not normal. Someone different. As soon as I could escape, I'd go back to my room and bury my nose in my chemistry set for comfort. But at some point, I'd have to return, at Mom's insistence, to join the family for dinner, then the after-dinner gift exchange. My stomach roiled like the contents of a boiling cauldron and I longed to analyze the metallic taste in my mouth. But for the time being, I would do my best to smile, or at least not frown, and join in the festivities. After dinner, at some obscure point while the children were amused or distracted with opening yet more gifts and the adults all giggled at us while drinking after-dinner toddies, Aunt Helen would prepare to attack. I had learned to discretely glance to the side without giving away my intent and was always able to notice while she discreetly removed her lipstick from her purse and loaded up her lips. The adults pretended not to notice. This was special lipstick, I was sure, reserved for just these occasions. It was thick, dark red, and plumped her lips to a size beyond affectation. She had to lay it on quite thick to do what she intended, because she'd be using it in multiples. At times, if I watched her sideways, I could see the evil twinkle of delight in her eyes. Sometimes Mom had the same twinkle. Then she would attack! "Give your old Aunt Helen a big smooch!" she'd holler, and spring from the couch like a mountain lion. There was always a moment of shock, even though I knew it was coming, where my feet refused to run and I stood slack-jawed, dropping whatever gift I was holding. Then the slow-motion run would begin. Those lips, those hideous, plumped-beyond-the-bounds-of-normal-human- development lips, red and dripping, coming my way with a pucker. They grew to a size that filled my mind, my eyes, my heart, the void of the universe, and the dread that I could not escape would give me nightmares for weeks. Sometimes I thought I had escaped and she'd get to my brothers first. They giggled with the fun of it and squirmed under her grasp. Robbie's eyes would glaze over as Aunt Helen held him in a firm grip and planted two or three "Christmas kisses" on his buffed cheek. Jeremy, didn't squirm quite as much, but he'd say "Awwww," smile, then run off to the bathroom to wash away the signs of her attack. As for me, I ran with the fear of death, which made capturing me even more fun for her, I bet. When at last she would pin me down, and I was hoarse from screaming, she'd lay one, two, or three of the debasing marks upon my cheek. If I were sufficiently squirming, she might land it on my nose or forehead. But there it would be, amidst howls of laughter from the adults, their drunken faces flushed and teeth bared in wide mouths as they rocked back and forth in their chairs and toasted each other and my aunt. Then, so no one would feel left out, she'd retire to the bathroom, reapply her lipstick and as each adult left, she'd give each of them a demure, yet just as messy, kiss. That was until last Christmas. I'd learned a few things as a nerdy boy. And although I feared saying "no" and making a scene, I'd learned how to say "no" in other ways. So last Christmas I was the first. I let her catch me and plant her kisses. I didn't even fight. She gave me a puzzled look that showed disappointment, though she tried to act as though it was fun, for the other adults. Then, as she went on to my brothers , I slipped from the room with her purse. After extracting her lipstick and dipping it in a solution from my chemistry set, I returned the lipstick and purse to the living room, where she was just finishing up with Jeremy. Later, as the adults left, she gave each of them a Christmas kiss. And, later that night, each of them died. The only thing I regretted was that the lipstick she had previously applied was so thick it prevented the poison from reaching her own skin, so she lived on, to terrorize other children, no doubt. Nikita opened her eyes. She was sitting on a chair in a small white room. She didn’t remember how she came to be there or anything at all about her life before that moment. The only thing she knew was her name. Nikita. She spoke the word softly to herself, to confirm the reality of it, and, satisfied that it was in fact her name, stood up. Looking around she noticed the only feature of the otherwise featureless room. A door.
She opened the door and looked through into another room, much like the one she stood in, but this room contained a small table and chair. She stepped through and approached the table. Upon the table were a glass of milk and a sandwich. She ate the sandwich and drank the milk. They were good and she was satisfied. She noticed the door to the previous room was closed, though she was certain she had left it ajar upon entering. She walked over and tried to open the door, but it was locked. There was however, another door in the opposite wall. This one opened to another small white room, complete with table, chair, sandwich and milk. Nikita noticed that the table was an oval shape, whereas the previous table had been square. The sandwich was different too. A chicken sandwich compared to the previous ham and tomato. It wasn’t milk at all, but orange juice. This room also contained a bed. She entered the new room and lay upon the bed for a few moments. Feeling refreshed, she got up and again noticed the door to the previous room had closed itself as she lay. She did not attempt to open it, knowing that it would be locked. Once again, there was a second door in the opposite wall opening into another identical room.. Nikita’s curiosity led her into that new room. There was a man sitting on the chair. ‘Nikita, baby, where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you.’ He embraced her, and she felt she should know this man, but she didn’t. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t remember you’, she whispered. “It’s me Honey, Charles, your husband.” His face was sad. He seemed nice, she thought. A caring and concerned man, handsome too. But she just didn’t know him. She stayed with him while he explained their life together, how they had met, how much they loved each other. It pleased her, to find this man who clearly cared for her so deeply. They ate and drank together: roast duck, potatoes and green tea. It was delicious, and Charles was happy, so she was happy too. They lay on the bed, a softer one than the bed in the previous room. They laughed and kissed. Later, when Charles was sleeping, she looked at the doors. The one she knew she could not go back through, and the other; the one she knew would open for her if she wished it. Careful not to wake him, she slipped off the bed and approached the door. She opened it and looked back at Charles. She walked through into the new room. “Honey, Nikita, where have you been? We’ve been waiting for you’, said Charles. But it wasn’t Charles, this was a different Charles. Oh he loved her he said. He was kind and caring, a good man. But it wasn’t the same Charles. A child sat playing with a toy train, a boy about 3 years old. “Mummy, mummy look, I have a train.” Nikita was mesmerized by this child. My little boy she thought, how so very beautiful you are. She touched his face and held him. A happiness she could not have imagined settled deep in Nikita’s soul. Nikita and her family shared a warm meal, and they talked. They talked about their love for each other, and they talked about their plans for the future. Her son’s name was Stevie, and he wanted to be a train driver when he grew up. Later when Charles and Stevie were sleeping, hands touching, Nikita stared at the ceiling. She did not look at the doors. She did not want to look at the doors. At the door. The one taking her to a new place, a different life, subtly different, but a different life nonetheless. She wanted to stay in this place, with Charles and Stevie. But the door called to her. She ignored it for as long as she could. The door sang of possibilities, but she fought it. What do I care for possibilities when this, this place, is all I want? I won’t go. I don’t want for anything more. Still, she slipped off the bed and approached the door. She looked back at Charles and Stevie. She thought for a moment of the other Charles in the other room. Silent tears fell from her eyes as she opened the door. There are a significant number of people who live under the common misconception that making the good choices and done things the right way somehow grants them immunity to life's events. They feel if they reach a heightened state of self awareness, achieve success in education, work and love, they'll be exempt from getting angry, feeling sorrow or enduring life's trials and tribulations. Some think they'll achieve a level of harmony at all times, and that they will be shielded from the tragedies life can through at someone, whether small or big.
The truth is that sometimes, no matter your best intentions and great decisions, life is simply not fair and it gets messy. No matter where you are on you life's timeline, young or old, single, in relationship, with kids ( or not), successfully navigating a great career or seeking new employment, working in your passion, or punching 9 to 5 to earn money to be able to meet expenses, life gets messy. Milk cartons tip over. businesses fail, jobs are lost, fender benders happen, friends disappoint you and relationships struggle. Messes, big and small, are inevitable. However, in any moment, you have a choice. You can use the disappointments as an excuse to give up and not persevere, or you can take issues as they come and learn to adapt and see the possibilities. When life gets messy, it is tough, no one seeks out disappointment by choice, however it is also an opportunity to evaluate the decisions you have made and can make moving forward. As an example, one that happened between myself and my parents., say your child comes home from school with bad grades and seems to have little or no interest in improving. This lack of motivation makes you worried, upset, and frustrated. You start to wonder; "How do my child's failing marks reflect on me?" "How will others perceive me if my child isn't doing well in school?" For many, the first reaction is to make it about themselves, that somehow, this situation is a reflection of them, that they are doing something wrong and are somehow a horrible parent. How, it's possible that even when as a parent, you've done everything wrong, this is nothing about you but about the child and instead of getting caught up in the messy moment right in front of you, it is possible to let go of expectations, and explore effective solutions for what's truly affecting your child. Now, I have no children, so why did I pick this as an example? Through my high school and cegep years, my academic results and choices were a running debate between myself and my parents. I averaged in the low 80s throughout high school, marks that many parents would probably be happy with, but mine felt I earned them with little effort and imagine if I studied more. They would say that I should choose the career path I wanted but it was important to explore sciences and do well since I could always " downgrade' later on. Even into my early adulthood, they would comment on which career path they thought would be great for me, usually picking ones I had no interest in, but surely since it was a reflection of their goals for me. I would tell them that maybe, earning above average marks with limited effort was my skill set, that I could do well without focusing on just my studies freeing me up to explore other avenues. When I got to cegep, I struggled academically, significantly. My parents were frustrated that as my peers were moving on into university, I was lagging behind. It was messy if I use the theme of today's blog post. However, for me , it was a path I needed to follow. My academic struggles affected my interactions with friends because I felt embarrassed that they were continuing to thrive as we all did in high school and I seemed to be following behind. I needed to figure out what I wanted out of school, and when I finally got to university, I finished it in two and half year, vs the 4 most of my peers needed. I started working right away, while others took time to travel of "find themselves" . So in the end when my friends and I reached our 30s, we all seemed pretty much at the same place, just got there differently. Disruptions occur, there is no avoiding them so rather than worry about how it will reflect on you and a person and the choices you have made, make the conscientious decision to meet them head on and use them to acquire a greater awareness of yourself and deal with life's messes more practically. Recognizing that life can't always be black or white but rather comes in many shades of gray, allows you to stop judging situations as good or bad, and simply be with what is. With that level of acceptance, you can experience what you need to experience and expand your understanding and skill set. The important thing is to avoid making the same mistakes over and over. We can’t simplify our way into a perfect life, nor should we want to. I bring it up though in case you are just getting started, or struggling, or comparing, or just curious. Even with simplicity, even if we try and avoid complications, take the easy path, life is messy. We are messy. It’s part of the human condition. Highs, lows, ups, downs … all of it comes with being human, even when we’ve simplified. People have often commented to me that I don't seem to get flustered, that I always seem composed and calm. Maybe that is the perception but true is that i have to work on myself every day. Feeling calm and centered doesn’t come naturally. I over react when I want to under react. I hold on when I mean to let go. In between all the lovely parts are messy parts. Sometimes I think I’ve got it all together but unless I’m intentionally focused, I’m all over the place. Living with less, practicing a morning routine, and taking really good care of myself helps me be more me. A little bit each day matters more than trying to squeeze it all in over a weekend. Consistency matters more than intensity. Life is messy. Simplicity helps but it’s not a cure-all. We have to be willing to keep asking questions of ourselves and not taking anything for granted. Even when it’s hectic or sad or scary out there, we can still make the choice to try and remain calm, and take things as they come. Just because things are crazy around you doesn’t mean things have to be crazy within you. On the days when you aren’t your best, and when things are messy, be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect or demand more than you have to give. Be patient and remind yourself that things always turn around. Treat yourself like you would treat a really good friend having a bad day. When the carton of milks spills over, we can cry over the spilled milk or we can grab a rag and clean it all up. That is our choice to make. |
AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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