Today's blog post could be titled
"How not to care when people don't like you" Truth is that everyone has someone ( or multiple someones) who don't like them. It is a fact of life. We simply can't please everyone. When I was in high school, I was part of a strong social group, not the brains, not the jocks, but a group of well connected, socially strong individuals that had a certain influence in our high school. I always felt I was someone of the outcast of the group, adapting to the expectations of the other members of my group. I have previously written about this, you can find it here i-am-nobody-and-i-am-everybody.html I found out that some of my "friends" didn’t like me or maybe better said, didn't really get me. One of the girls in my “group” told me I wasn’t seen by any of the other girls as boyfriend potential because I was a nice guy but didn't really inspire feelings. Some thought I tried too hard to be funny or fit it and that some found me annoying—which, to be honest, at 15, 16, 17 I probably was—and for many moments during high school, I felt left out. This was made worse during my final year when our school's wrestling team folded and I had to join a club and my "success" had me traveling a lot for tournaments, or having to training after school. I made me miss a lot of the typical social activities that most high school kids enjoy in their final year. I felt like I was always chasing remaining part of my group of friends that had pretty much been the same throughout our 5 years of high school. It took some effort for me to feel connected and part of the group and it made my ( I think) work even hard on adapting to everyone else's expectations of who I should be and how I should act. After graduation, I felt the my ties with this group slip away, I felt I was being excluded when all these years later, I can say, I was pulling away as much as I was perhaps being pushed out. I was devastated, and I swore I would spend the rest of my life being likable and being the person people wanted or needed me to be. However, as I got older, more established in my work life, more confident in who I was and where I was going, The old adage "certain persons simply will not like you not matter what you do,” starting to resonate more and more with me. I started to be ok with the idea that no matter how likable you think you are, you’re not going to win over every person you meet. As individuals, we have your own unique personalities which means some people will love and adore you, while others may not. Of course, while this concept is easy to understand on its face, it’s difficult to keep your perspective in check when you find you’re, say, left out of invitations to happy hours with co-workers, or getting noncommittal responses from potential new friends, or you overhear your co-workers, teammates or peers bad-mouthing you. Rejection is painful in any form, whether it be social or romantic, and it’s a big ego blow to get bumped from the inner circle. For a while this fed into my need to adapt to expectations but also my imposter syndrome ( this I also blogged about before, check out the link) self-diagnosed-imposter-syndrome-its-possible.html However, as I continued to get older, further establish myself and get comfortable in my self-identity. rather than freak out, I started to understand that it’s not just normal to be occasionally disliked, but in fact, it’s healthy. Rejection is a way to suss out who’s compatible with whom, and just as getting romantically dumped by someone leaves you open to finding a better suited partner, getting axed from a social group gives you space to find folks that are a little more your speed. Plus, it’s empowering not to fear being disliked—not that you should run around violating social norms, but when you’re not wasting energy molding your personality to someone else’s to be accepted, you’re more likely to find people who genuinely like you for you, and those relationships are far less exhausting to keep up. Still, it sucks to feel disliked. However as the years passed, I found ways to deal with it. Doesn't mean it works for everyone, but it certainly did for me, and allowed me to become so much more self confident Humans are social creatures, and so we experience painful biological responses to rejection. As we grow, evolve and navigate our way trying to figure out who we are, being rejected and kicked out of the community can seem like matter of life or death. When we get rejected, we might experience an emotional response so strong, it can physically hurt. We’re also likely to cycle through a series of responses that’s not dissimilar to the stages of grief. Most of us want to understand why and we can tend to self blame. Then, like any dumped individual, our first reaction can be to "try to win back your rejecter". Not because, necessarily, you want them to like you, but you just don’t like this feeling of being disliked, Kind of like the reaction, "Let me get you to like me so I can feel better about myself." Not to mention that when these situations happen, at least for me, it brings me back to high school, and those feelings of when it was all about whether you’re cool or not. Once you get caught in the feeling, it really pulls you under, and then you’re struggling. These feelings aren’t exactly pleasant, but they’re also perfectly healthy and normal, so long as you don’t end up dwelling on them, preventing yourself from moving forward. This type of rejection is literally personal, and it’s easy to start questioning your self worth when someone makes it clear they don’t like you. But we all act out of our own insecurities and unique experiences, and for the most part, being disliked is a measure of mutual compatibility. So, it’s not really that it’s not you but them, so much as it’s both you and them. Sometimes, the people who dislike you don’t think certain facets of your personality jibe with theirs; sometimes, you just don’t offer them enough social capital to be worth their time. Since we’re a very social species, with a pretty intense dominance hierarchy, especially when it comes to work, and sometimes in social situations, made all that more transparent with social media where many of us share the most simple of achievements and activities with a wide range of people, some of which are not really friends but rather social media connections, people make specific strategic alliances and switch alliances as it suits them to meet their needs as they define them. So people will try to achieve status, and a lot of time, whether they like you or don’t like you may have nothing to do with who you are. Either way, likability has a lot to do with what you bring to someone else’s table, whether or not you realize it. Many of preferentially tend to spend time, with either individuals who are similar to us in status, personality, or that can validate our collection of values and beliefs. So if you don’t have anything in common that is equally valuable to both parties, then you will likely be rejected. It’s kind of an inevitability. But watch for signs of your own bad behavior While you shouldn’t always blame yourself if someone doesn’t like you, if you’re finding this is a pattern, you may want to take an unbiased look at your own behavior. Of course, in a perfect setting, you can get feedback as to why people don't feel a connection with you. Then, ultimately you have to know who you are well enough to say, ... "okay, that information sounds pretty valid, I do tend to do that, I can see why that might not be attractive to other people, so I’m going to work on changing it,” You might be being given important information that you should take a look at seriously, and evaluate to see if there’s truth to it. Of course, remember that while some of your behaviors might turn people off, likability is typically a two-way street. It is, more often than not, some sort of reflection of the other person’s history, their perceptions, their fears, as it is about you. Like many people, through the years, one of my greatest fears when I would start a new job, or take one a new challenge where I don’t know anyone was the that the old reflexes of feeling the need to adapt to expectations and hide the "real me" would surface. Changing our social circle can be isolating, it’s when you’re most likely to feel disliked or suffer from social anxiety. I think we have a little bit of an unrealistic expectation that we should be able to enter a new social group, anywhere, and with all people. We tend to forget that when we’re first trying to establish rapport in relationships with people in, say, a new work environment, we’re coming into a dynamic that’s already set in structure. There are already cliques, there are already personalities, there are already dynamics, and we have no idea what you’re stepping into. When faced with starting a new job or making a big move start maybe we need to move slowly to get a sense of the new social environment. Don't rush, don't assume, don't allow first impression / perceptions dictate our own behavior. But most importantly, what I have learned especially in recent years. it is ok to be ourselves. If they can't like who we are when we expose the version of ourselves that we feel most comfortable with and most proud of, then too bad for them. And keep in mind that the best way to make genuine friendships is to be genuine yourself. If you just walk around wanting to be liked, it’s very stressful, and people will read that as inauthentic. Even if you find yourself on the outs with some folks, chances are, you’ve at least got a few people you can rely on when you’re feeling low. Spending time with people that care about you can boost your self-esteem and help you to feel more secure., Besides acting as a support to your wounded ego, focusing your energies on relationships with people who appreciate you will, in the larger picture, be a much more fulfilling use of your time and social energy. When all else fails, it’s best to embrace having the occasional enemy. Delight in it. Really, just enjoy it. After all, sometimes it’s actually better to be formidable. If people are jealous or whatever, all feelings are welcome. You don’t need to go around antagonizing people, but if someone doesn’t like you and the feeling is mutual, you don’t necessarily have to go out of your way to appease them, either. Over the last few years, I have actually taken pride in just being me, being able to put myself out there with confidence. Hello, my name is Jorge Sanchez... lover of jests, hard working, serious but not taking myself too seriously... hope you like me... and if you don't, oh well !
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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