Whether you are religious believing in the theory of divine creation or have scientific leanings that subscribe to the notion of evolution, or anything somewhere along the spectrum in between, there is commonality about our existence all origination from somewhere. Regardless of your beliefs, while the origin of humanity might stem from a single source in whatever form you feel that is, the truth of the matter is that, today, we are all different. We live different lives; have different beliefs, values, relationships, thoughts and emotions. We raise our children differently, think differently and behave differently on a number of levels.
Although common threads might join us, we are all unique in our own little ways. And since we are all unique, with unique points of view and ways of doing things, often times, we consider our own way as the right way of going about things. Because of that, it’s easy to understand why we’re critical of others. That could also be why it’s impossible to please everyone in life. I previously wrote about this reality when it comes to coaching. Sometimes despite the best of intentions and efforts, your athletes will simply not like you and you have to be accepting of that fact without letting it affect your commitment to doing what you feel is right. You can access that particular blog post via this link. and-sometimes-they-just-dont-like-you.html Today’s blog post comes from a more general and wide-ranging point view. The fact it when you are in a position of leadership, coaching, political decision making or in administrative capacity, and others, where pretty much every decision you make will have a impact of some capacity in the lives of others, the minute you satisfy some people’s requirement or needs, you will ultimately disappoint one or some other individual(s). So today, as I sit in a secluded cabin looking over a lovely lake while the sound of rain resonates off the roof, I am thinking back over the last few months of the covid pandemic and some of the actions and decisions I have had to undertake in my management role and the varying reactions they have had of employees and colleagues. So it is something as simple as all of us being different as individuals that make it impossible for us to please everyone with our decisions and actions? That might be the reason why people disapprove of our decisions. That might be the reason why, no matter what you do, think or feel, someone will act dismayed or feel disgruntled by the very notion of your choices or your existence even. How could they possibly think that way or say those things or behave in such a manner? Clearly, you can’t please everyone. It’s downright impossible. From how you speak to your child, to what types of clothes you wear, what you do for work, the decisions you make on where and what to eat, how you drive your car, spend your money, and everything in between, someone is going to disapprove. So I thought I’d share some personal opinions about why we can never please everyone and why we shouldn’t make the effort to do so… and of course these are my opinions, I don’t expect everyone will agree (tongue in cheek insertion…) Why you shouldn’t try and please everyone You absolutely shouldn’t try to please everyone all the time. It’s just not worth it. Not only will you begin to live your life according to someone else’s standards (and if you did, whose standards would you try adapting to, remember everyone will have different expectations and perceptions) but also you’ll deplete yourself of any sense of happiness or enthusiasm. Do what makes you happy and what pleases you. As long as you’re doing the right things, for the right reasons and with a good heart, that’s all that really matters. It’s hard to stay this course when you know that people are talking behind your back, or even in front of your face. People tend to enjoy saying things that hurt others. For one reason or another, it helps to elevate their egos and empower their bold personalities. It’s hard to turn the other cheek while people smite you on both sides. But you simply have to. There are a number of reasons why it’s impossible to please everyone, and while this information might not completely alleviate your worries, reduce your stress, or eliminate all your fears for pursuing your dreams, maybe you might identify and of nothing else, it will hopefully allow you to come to the realization that nobody will be completely pleased with your actions all the time. What’s important is that you do you. Don’t concern yourself with what others think you should do. Don’t allow that to impact the trajectory of your hopes or scare you off from making the tough decisions for yourself and for any given situation that you know are have been thought out and the best options in the moment. Don’t allow peer pressure to hold you back. You might just find that the people who most question your decisions are often those will never step up and make decisions for fear of failing. Being willing to assume the leadership role when things are going well, but to take charge when things are tough and being ready to make the tough decisions, that tales character but also the understanding that you might get in wrong. As long as, deep down inside, you’re sure you taken all the available information into consideration, and you’re doing things for the right reasons with the right motivations, you should never feel sorry for it. And while there might be dozens of reasons why it’s impossible to please everyone, there are a few that are truly important. They boil down to the essence of human interactions and the realities that come with being in the positions to make decisions and choices which will not only impact you but will ultimately have some impact on others around you. Everyone will have an opinion, and often the opinions will come with the benefit of hindsight. No matter what you do or how hard you try, people will always have an opinion about you or your decisions. And more often than not, it’s the negative opinions that will be most shared. People who had nothing to contribute when a decision had to be made will suddenly have detailed explanations as to why your actions or decisions are wrong or didn’t work out. You can’t please those people no matter what you do. You can’t avoid them from talking and gossiping about you behind your back or voicing to anyone who will listen and even to some who don’t listen why they knew things wouldn’t work out. You can’t change their minds, you shouldn’t bother trying either. Nothing will ever change the thoughts and minds of others that are steeped in negativity. Nothing you ever do can please them. It’s quite literally impossible. So why bother trying? They will have an opinion about how you live your life, or go about making your decisions because it’s different from some vision of how things should be they have envisioned in their minds. Right and wrong, good or bad are often subjective. I’m not talking about moral issues here. I’m not talking about murder or robbery or anything else that’s illegal in the eyes of the law. However, all of that aside right and wrong can be almost entirely subjective. What’s right in one person’s mind could be wrong in another person’s mind. Most things are considered subjective. They’re open to interpretation. There isn’t a set way of doing every single thing in life that’s always the right way. Because of that, people will differ in their opinions of just how to approach something. If you’re not doing it their way, how can you expect to please them and everyone else for that matter? No two people are exactly alike and personalities are shaped differently. They are unique in their own special little ways. Since we are all the unique product of our own experiences, and we all share different values and beliefs, we behave differently. Even someone you might think you know quite well might have a hidden value or belief that reveals itself when you do something that runs in contrast to their particular thoughts. People are usually afraid of things they can’t understand. When faced with difficult situations, and the reality is that no matter how well prepared we thing we might be, no matter what we might have experienced in our professional or personal lives, difficult situations are going to come up, not everyone is going to be equipped to handle them. In fact, some are likely to be frightened by them. And if can happen that hen one person in a group begins to succeed during these tough moments, is willing to step up and take charge or seems above the stress of the moment, there’s a certain amount of tension that can created. People are usually frightened by what they don’t understand. The higher the level of uncertainty that a group faces, some will tend to gravitate to what they know, what they can control or what makes them feel safe. When decisions are made without the benefit of success, which can affect others, this might heighten the level of stress and worry. Bu if you are tasked with making decisions, you can let this dissuade you from making them. When you constantly worry about pleasing everyone vs. doing what you feel is right, it affects you more than it does others. When you try to please everyone, you end up sacrificing the confidence in your instincts and values. You might end up going against the grain of making the decisions for you and for the moment. When you do that, you suffer over the long term, having regrets and replaying those what-ifs and should-haves in your mind over and over again. Don’t allow other peoples’ opinions of you to stop you from doing what you really think is right and right for you. You can’t please them all. If you really feel in the moment of making a decision that it is the best decision, have the confidence to make it. Don’t be guided by the fear of failure but be driven but the trust in your own skills. When we try to please others all the time, we lose ourselves. We lose our identities. The things that we used to trust, the condolence in our instincts and beliefs, our willing ness to stand out and being willing to make a difference might disappear as we give into the pressure of doing things that please them rather than that please us. I will leave you with the famous words of Rudyard Kipling “if you can keep your wits about you while all others are losing theirs, and blaming you, the world will be yours and everything in it. What’s more you’ll be a man…..”
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I have written a few times about how I got into coaching and more importantly how I never imagined at the start of it all that I would spend 27 years, non-stop, sometimes 12 months a year ( or so it seemed) involved in coaching.
This past blog past is one that probably summarizes quite well what coaching has meant to me but certainly not the only one I posted on the topic. If you have time and interested, I invite you to browse through the various posts, but via this link, I think you can get enough context to the rest of today's article. a-coaching-life-well-spent.html Today's blog post is more about sharing insight on how I feel that often times, when someone is involved in coaching, the short term frustrations make it hard to see the long term benefits. I want to start off by sharing two anecdotes from my own coaching experiences. The first one, relates to the summer of 1998. Prior to heading out to the week long national provincial team championships with my U18 provincial team, I had arranged a little mini pre-camp with some practice sessions, a team dinner, followed by an overnight stay and direct transport to the hotel. As this was outside the approved training arrangements, there were some out of pocket expenses and deal making required but I saw it as an important step in preparing the team. As players were informed about the arrangements, most of the parents appreciated our efforts to bring the players together prior to what for many of them was the first major competition and offered to help chip in with the cost. However a number of parents contacted me asking if they were allowed to attend the team dinner. When they were told it was a team only retreat, they complained saying “If we did not drive our kids to practices and team camps,the coaches would have no team to coach.” Worse off, these same parents withheld their thanks and said nothing about chipping in to help with the costs. Luckily these problem parents were in a minority. The second anecdote, a few years later with a different group, involved a team captain from my U16 provincial team. Returning from a week long training camp in the States training and playing alongside some top US players from the ODP programs , (for reference, you can visit this link.) www.usyouthsoccer.org/olympic-development-program/ I took the chance on the bus ride back to chat with many of the players a a type of debrief. This team captain, shared some concerns about her level of fatigue and frustration with soccer at the moment. She mentioned her club team didn't have league games but would be playing in a tournament that she didn't really want to participate in. When I suggested she take some time off to recover, she told me her dad would never go for it. Having what I thought was a good relationship with the parents, I spoke to her father who quickly shut down any discussion about his daughter taking a break and most surprisingly of his comments was one about the said tournament " it's a really fun tournament where all the players and parents get to spend time together and there is no way she should miss it". Ironically, in the first game of the tournament, the player suffered a broken nose and concussion going into a mis-timed tackle.... coincidence or related to her fatigue, we can never know for sure.. .but had she taken two weeks off, she might not have missed the 6 weeks she ended up needing to recover. These stories of petty parental ingratitude and over-involvement illustrate how difficult, and sometimes downright aggravating, coaching at any level can be today. Earning players’ respect has always been challenging for coaches, but recent times have brought even more frustrating situations to deal with. The point here is not to debate the merits or demerits of new challenges, or to arbitrate whether parents might be right or wrong in a particular disagreement with the coach. Sometimes parents become nuisances to the team, but sometimes parents correctly criticize the coach for crossing the line. Parents and coaches alike make mistakes. The point of my two anecdotes is that unprecedented pressures these days lead too many young coaches at all levels to leave the coaching ranks before their time, and lead too many youth league coaches to remain active only for a few years while their own sons or daughters participate. “Long termers,” men and women with tenures measured in decades rather than years or months, seem a dying breed. When an experienced youth coach hangs up the whistle with more still to offer, the coach’s departure can deprive future players of valuable leadership and instruction. Talented coaches are hard to come by. Select team or high school, cegep, university varsity coaches may leave because of sniping from parents whose real beef is that their children did not crack the starting lineup. Social media can make coaches fair game for critics emboldened by the anonymity of the keyboard. Coaches may sense that their reappointment each year depends more on the win-loss record than on whether the team plays to its potential, or whether the coaches teach life lessons that parents say they want. When school administrators pressured by resistant parents countermand reasonable disciplinary decisions, the coach’s relatively modest stipend may seem not worth the cost of frequent year-round commitment. The youth league coach’s lot may not be much better. Silence or conflicting signals from the club administrators may leave the coach at the mercy of parents who disagree among themselves about whether to provide each player reasonable playing time, or whether to play a “short bench” to win. Because volunteer youth league coaches normally make no pretense of being professional educators or professional coaches, they can be easy marks for parents who question their knowledge of the game and second-guess their decisions. Whispering campaigns can be as mean spirited as at the high school level, and parents’ expectations about their children’s prospects for a college scholarship or other athletic advancement can be just as unreasonable. And more often than not, club officials well stand with the parents as a means to keep their registration numbers high and / or to not jeopardize fund raising initiatives. Whether to leave coaching is an individual decision for the coach and his or her family. The family figures into the mix because sooner or later, pressures on the coach usually also weigh heavily on the spouse and children. Because time spent coaching can intrude on family commitments, coaches and families must decide for themselves when coaching stops being time well spent. But when a coach seriously weighing the pros and cons of turning away seeks my advice, I suggest considering not only today’s frustrations (which are real), but also the long-term rewards from years of continued service (which are also real). Here is what I tell them: In the long run, dedicated youth coaches usually win deserved respect and affection because their players never forget. Coach-player relationships frequently ripen into lifelong friendships based on good memories and mutual esteem. Most of my former players range in age from their early 20s to their early 50s. It is quite a charge when one phones, emails, or approaches me on the street with, “Hey Coach, remember me? You coached me 25 years ago.” The teacher-student bond can be one of life’s most lasting relationships, behind only the parent-child and child-sibling bonds. Interscholastic coaches and their youth league counterparts are teachers, and players are their students. For a coach with more yet to offer, resisting today’s pressures to quit can bank “deferred compensation” for a job well done, redeemable years later in the form of lasting shared memories. It is like many other things, the short terms frustrations, when they lead to people giving up, can impede the benefits down the road that one can not even imagine. In the works of Ted Kennedy in his biography True Compass “This is the greatest lesson a child can learn. It is the greatest lesson anyone can learn. It has been the greatest lesson I have learned: if you persevere, stick w/it, work @ it, you have a real opportunity to achieve something. Sure, there will be storms along the way. And you might not reach your goal right away. But if you do your best and keep a true compass, you'll get there.” |
AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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