This will not be the first time that I have sat down in my computer to write about myself, about self perception and how it differs from how others might see me. I think the that one blog post I have previously written really covers the essence of who I am or think I am. Not to mention, that same post has a bunch of links to other posts related to personal sharing. You can find the blog post called "I am nobody, I am everybody" via the link just below this. You can read it first to get some context, read it after or not read it at all since most of my pieces could be considered stand along.
i-am-nobody-and-i-am-everybody.html The timing of my moving away from writing about soccer, or coaching or women in sport to sharing more personal details about myself, coincides with my retirement from active coaching ( so less hands on experiences as a coach) but also the transition to life after 27 years of coaching and having to explore more in depth about who I am as a big chunk of who I was no longer exists. Ask family, friends, co-workers, former players etc to describe me? You would probably get a wide range of replies, sometimes even contradictory... outgoing, personable, can find humor almost anywhere, doesn't take things seriously, doesn't take things seriously enough, doesn't get flustered easily, gets things done, serious, confident, moving towards cocky and arrogant sometimes, anti-social, sarcastic, driven, accomplished, and a bunch of others. All of them would probably accurate since it would depend on who you ask and in which manner(s) each would have had the chance to interact with me. Ask me to describe myself? If I am being honest, I would probably say that I see myself as being, more of an introvert, confident in myself and abilities but mostly shy, more comfortable in my own company that in large groups, pretty good at a bunch of stuff but not REALLY good at anything, more self aware today that I have ever been in my life but sometimes struggle to really understand where I fit and trying to present the best version of myself to others. So, again, lots of contradictions between who I think I am and who I work to present myself as being. As I have gotten older, the biggest difference is that I used to think I was in some sort of minority if not unique. That it seemed that so many people around me who their crap together and I was struggling to find my way. That everything I did, was an attempt to hide all my fears, insecurities and shyness. Turns out and I should have known, I am not alone. The masks ( given the times we are going through, I had to get a mask reference in there) we wear are varied, and we typically think of them in terms of responsibilities. So, a person might wear a professional mask to work, a daughter or son mask to the parent's home, a mother or father mask when working with one's children, and a spousal mask when dialoging with the spouse. Thus, when we begin a conversation about roles, or the roles we play in life, these are generally the roles we mentally reference. But there are other roles we play, other masks and costumes we wear, which run much deeper, for they are those by which we typically identify ourselves. So, for example, I might describe myself as a very engaged person towards my athletes. Or, I might say that I'm an introvert and loner, preferring my own company. Maybe, I might even say I'm really self aware, comfortable in my own skin and have got my act together and I can't understand why others just can't seem to be the same. Or finally, I see myself as a great problem solver, able to break down situations and get the the end result quicker than most... getting frustrated that others can't follow my lead. These identifying descriptors come with a package, generally. So, let's say that I define myself as that engaged, caring coach. If you question me about how I go about that engagement towards the athletes and I let you in a bit, we might learn that my actions are guided by a lack of confidence so I'm trying to convince myself that I am a great coach because I care about the athletes. That I am perpetually worried if my teams didn't win, I could still be known as a great coach. Maybe I boast about my engagement because if I don't talk about it, maybe no one else will see it. In end, I am a engaged coach not because I truly care about my athletes but as a way to give myself some notion of accomplishment. Or, if I'm the one who describes as so self-aware and having his act together we might find under all of that, it's a mechanism to avoid dealing with my insecurities. And yet, as we look deeper, we might find that I'm really exhausted much of the time, because I try so hard to get to convince myself how "together" I am. These and other identifying descriptors describe my role, which includes my patterned behaviors, thoughts, opinions and even, perhaps, some of my feelings. But if they exhaust me, and if they create resentments within me, then who is the "me" that is exhausted, and who is the "me" that resents? As a therapist I often hear my clients say, "I don't like that about me?" And my question is, "Who is the ‘I' that doesn't like what the ‘me' is doing? And who is that ‘me?'" The answers to these questions gets us a bit closer to something more authentic within us. Here's the big question when it comes these opposing feelings: If I'm really being true to myself then how is it that my own body and my own mind are rebelling against it? Wouldn't an inner state of congruence more accurately reflect what is genuine? There are fairly classic roles can people can sometimes take. For example the Victim role, in which the person feels pretty much victimized by all of life, and in fact finds him or herself involved with abusive people and situations quite frequently. Then there is the Martyr role. You know, someone who chooses to sacrifice their life or face pain and suffering instead of giving up something they hold sacred. While the term is still used this way today, it's taken on a secondary meaning that's a bit less dramatic. In more realistic terms, it is that person who talks about how much they are willing to endure to that others may succeed or benefit. Or maybe the Rescuer role in which a person rescues people like stray animals, which can lead so some form of hero complex where someone always feel the need to fix everybody and everything, even when their help is not needed. In this case it is often more about self validation than actually helping others. There are plenty of other roles but I think you get the point. But here is the most important thing to know about these roles: They are not real. They do not define the real person living in hiding under them. They are masks and costumes donned at an early age as a coping mechanism. Once the coping mechanism seemed to "work" to get us whatever secondary gain we were after, we slowly over time began to identify with these roles. We patterned our behavior and our thoughts after these roles, so why wouldn't we eventually come to believe that they define us? It makes perfect sense. And yet we've all also seen those individuals who change their roles entirely, becoming wholly different people-typically after a life crisis. How did that happen? If the roles actually do define us then how can a life crisis allow a person to become a completely different than that described by the life previous to the crisis? I think that occurs because of human nature, our ability to adapt to a changing environment. Sometimes the changes can be minor, other times they can be more significant. It is my theory that we put on these roles in response to subtle and sometimes overt cues we pick up from those around us, more so those we want to impress or get on our side. Some, like I will readily admit and have admitted, find ways to be constantly be adapting to the situation right in front of us. I have to admit doing this often complicates things because I get lost in being who I think others want or need to me that I can lose sight of the core essence of who am I. So back to the title of this post - Who am I really? Sometimes not having all the answers is great, it allows to to adjust and evolve and certainly allows us to discover new parts of ourselves.
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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