Every day, from the moment we wake up, we are constantly making decisions. Some are small in nature with little impact on those around us, what to eat for breakfast, what to wear for work, what to pack in our lunch, while others might influence change and provoke decisions in others. In fact life, in my humble opinion, is a constant series of opinions. We are bombarded with situations that force us to make choices sometimes on an ongoing basis. We often hear of people regretting decisions they have made or thinking back and regretting a decisions they didn't make... but did they really not make a decisions, is it not in fact that by not making a decision, they actually did make one? A former boss of mine always said, you can only make decisions based on the information you have on hand at the time you have to make it. You can't worry about things you don't know, things you don't control or all the possible outcomes. In fact, all that being said, I think when we feel we regret decisions, it is not the actual decision we made that is the issue but simply that the outcome isn't what we expected or hoped for, and really is that even in our sphere of control? We all make mistakes in life. We take missteps, veer off course, and fail. It’s an integral element of human nature and part of the journey of discovery into who we are. As much as it might hurt, and as much as we might want to turn back the hands of time, we should never regret the decisions we make, no matter what or where they lead us to in life. Often, our decisions are the result of a substantial amount of abstract thinking and internal wrangling. The mind, over time, gathers evidence, extrapolates connections, predicts the future, and comes to a rational decision based on the information readily available to it. Unbeknownst to us, this is the upshot of an analysis largely occurring in the subconscious mind. Everyone at some point has had those moments when you are at what you feel is a life changing moment and you are trying to make the best decision possible. We put so much pressure on ourselves to get it absolutely right. If, in addition, our decision can affect the lives of those around us, the pressure can be even bigger. But is anyone 100% perfect in their decision making? Life would be easier if we didn't have to make decisions. When you are in a position of leadership, making decisions is even tougher because it might affect co-workers, employees, customers, performance at work. Being prepared to make decisions in a tough moment is a sign of leadership. To quote Rudyard Kipling's poem , "IF" If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, . . . Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And — which is more — you’ll be a Man, my son! There I am sure when you wrote this, it wasn't specifically relating to making decisions, but I have always related that poem to being in tough spots and being willing to step up and make decisions. Some decisions weren't always popular, weren't always understood, but I would like to think I often made them in the interest of the greater good. I have always wanted to think of myself as being someone who was able to detach myself from the emotions of a tough moment and come up with solutions. So why do we always fear so much pressure to make the perfect decision? While no one likes to make mistakes and fail, there’s also a certain beauty and innocence in it. Through failure, we learn. We grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally when we fail. And through that growth, we adapt to our surroundings, using the past’s errors as a platform to enhance our lives well into the future. Think about a child (or even an adult for that matter) playing a video game. The number of times that he or she fails at that game is astronomical. However, through each of those iterations of failure, they learn and enhance their skill. Over time, they get better because of it. Practice definitely makes perfect, but not before a lot imperfect moments and failed opportunities. The gamer, over time, knows what to look out for, what pitfalls might come up down the road, where to turn next, how to react when enemies come in their path, and because of that, they improve their skill. But it couldn’t happen without failure. Failure is the stepping-stone to success, so you should never regret your decisions, no matter how bad the failures turn out to be because of them. Mother Nature acts somewhat akin to this as well. She fails over and over again. She makes mistakes. Plants, animals and a wide variety of life on earth including insects, reptiles, and other inhabitants, have genetic shortcomings. But through those genetic failures, they adapt over time. They adapt in order to survive. Failure is a core mechanism to long-term adaptation and survival in every sense of the word. It has always been. The universe has made countless mistakes and has had an unimaginable number of failures. But there’s no room for regret, only room for improvement. Over time, things improve because of those same failures. So no matter what happens, hold no regrets. You never know what the future might have in store for you. You never know where failures or mistakes might lead you to. I could likely sit here and recount a ton of stories to you about my life and decisions I made that didn't work out, disappoint of certain part of my life. I could share about decisions I have made in my personal and professional lives that didn't work out and had me questioning my judgement, my skills, my experience and even myself. But what I never realized at the time, and the reason why I will never regret the decisions that I made, was that it was all part of something that was building me up for the future. However, what I can tell you is this — there are very powerful reasons why you should never regret your own I might be going through on any given day, no matter how painful or hurtful or unrecoverable it might seem, there is a reason for it that I might just not get in the moment. Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” As long as we’re able to correct our mistakes without having to repeat them again and again, and as long as we’re following the right path and doing things for the right reasons, we are certainly in our right minds and no one should think otherwise. So with no certainty that a decision will work at as we hope, why should we risk making them? When we make a decision and it results in failure, it can be painful. That pain can seem to go on for an eternity, because that’s the nature of pain. When you’re knee-deep in it and wading through the hardships, regret can seem like the only natural emotion. We ask ourselves questions like, “Why did I do that?” or “How could I have been so stupid?” and “What was I thinking?” When we’re immersed in the struggle, it only seems natural to beat ourselves up. But the greater the failure, the higher the likelihood for character-building to occur. We always reflect when we fail. We ponder our inefficiencies, we review our shortcomings, and we look for ways we can enhance our character. Failure makes us more sympathetic and empathetic to the needs of others. Rather than operating on Cloud 9, we’re more aware of what’s going on right here on earth. The fear of failure is a huge inhibitor of action in life. The mere thought of failing at something can cause such an immense amount of pain, that it can act as a deterrent, stifling us into a state of complete immobilization. But the truth about failure is that the fear of it is far greater than the failure itself. Yet, we spend so much time in a state of fear, worrying about every last little thing, living our lives steeped in anxiety, engulfed in stress. The physical ailments that follow are a direct reflection of the mental, emotional, and spiritual pressure that the fear of failure puts us under. It’s far better to take a chance. Calculated risks are necessary in life. It doesn’t mean we have to throw complete caution to the wind. It just means that you should never regret your decisions when you took a shot at achieving something that you really wanted deep down inside. Let the chips fall where they may. It’s okay to make mistakes. But it’s not okay to sit idle and allow life to pass you by because you’re too afraid of regretting your decisions. However, one likely outcome of making mistakes and failing in life is that you learn the art of self-forgiveness. You learn how to love yourself no matter where your life might lead. Everything in life isn’t about money, power, and fame. Much of that are simple illusions of our society. If we were to look at how the other half of the world lives that are starving, oppressed, imprisoned, brutalized, homeless, sick, and destitute, we would appreciate what we have far more. So forgive yourself for your mistakes. Don’t harbor regrets. Don’t harbor negative energy. Let it all go. Release it to the universe and just breathe. Don’t worry so much about what other people think of you. That doesn’t define your self-worth. What matters is how you feel about yourself. Do things you love and enjoy the journey. Don’t just obsess about the destination. When you learn to forgive yourself, you learn to love yourself. And truly, in life, that’s the name of the game. We are nearly 8 billion souls on this earth all going about our lives, all working towards some end by way of some means. But most of us, at the end of the day, forget to forgive ourselves because we don’t love ourselves. We base our love on some foundation when it should just be unconditional. You’ve likely failed at a number of things. I know I have. But you’ve also likely realized that your past failures and mistakes had a purpose. They led you in a certain direction. They helped you to realize certain things and to reach certain outcomes that you might not have intended but most certainly did appreciate at the time. Don’t regret your past decisions because they led you to where you are today, no matter where that might be. Everything in life has its purpose. No matter how much pain its caused you or how terrible a situation it might have been, there is a grand design that we don’t realize. There is a fabric of unending material that weaves us all together. Each knit, bob and weave has its purpose. Every crimp in the yarn has its design. Sometimes it can hurt so badly that it’s hard to see the forest through the trees. But those are the times we have to remind ourselves of what we’ve already endured in life. We will never be given more than we can handle. We will always work things out. As long as you can keep a positive outlook on life, things do improve over time. Allow yourself that. Sometimes, the past’s mistakes and failures allow us to determine what it is we really want out of life. Often, when we rush into things blindly, without actually mapping out our goals and why we want the things that we want, we allow life to carry us away. We don’t think about the purpose or the reasons for wanting and doing certain things because we’re largely living on autopilot. When we make mistakes and fail, we gain a deeper perspective. We reach new understandings and come to new conclusions about life, love and the people around us. Failure affords us that opportunity. It’s a chance for self-reflection and digging deep into who we are and why we’re doing the things that we do. No one in life is perfect. We all fail. The stigma of failure is so big in our society that everyone shies away from it. They try to hide the imperfect selves and work arduously to portray something disingenuous and inauthentic. We shouldn’t worry so much about outward appearances. We should worry more about what’s on the inside. If you end up regretting every decision you make that results in failure, you will end up living a very convoluted and stress-filled life. Move away from that. Don’t be afraid to show the vulnerable side of yourself and don’t be so afraid of failure that it stifles you into a state of inaction. My story about the car accident was just one incident where I initially regretted my decisions in a major way and beat myself up over it. But that wasn’t it. Every time I failed in business and my company went under, I slipped into a depression. When I failed in marriage (twice), the same thing happened. But I never gave up hope. I never stopped trying. Sometimes, you just have to keep taking chances. You have to put yourself out there and take risk after risk. Today I have two beautiful children and an incredible wife along with multiple highly-successful businesses. I’ve learned so many lessons along the way, and through it all I’ve grown as a person. And so can you. Keep trying. If you’ve failed, just pick yourself up and do it again. Just make sure you take a look at your goals and why you really want something. If you have profound reasons for wanting to achieve something, in that they run deep down to your very core, you’ll see things through. Make sure that your goals are important enough to you to keep pushing on. If you fail. Try again. And again. And again. Just don’t look back and regret your decisions because they’ve made you into the person you are today.
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Ce juillet passé, ça faisait 3 ans que ma carrière d'entraîneur a pris fin. L'annonce officielle du département des sports de Concordia a été faite le 22 juin (bien que la décision mutuelle ait été prise une semaine plus tôt). Vous pouvez retrouver l'annonce via ce lien :
https://stingers.ca/news.php?id=1556 Quelques jours plus tard, j'ai écrit et posté cette "Lettre Ouverte" sur mon blog parlant de ma pensée et de mes émotions comme de la réalisation que j'avais fini ma carrière comme entraineur ( malheureusement c'est juste en anglais mais tu peux la trouver ici ) https://soccercoach65.weebly.com/jorges-blog-posts/an-open-letter-the-final-whistle-has-blown La fin de ma carrière d'entraîneur est arrivée sans grande fanfare ni célébration. De toute évidence, certains savaient que cela se produisait, certains l'ont probablement senti venir et d'autres l'espéraient. Une fois que Concordia a fait l'annonce, j'ai reçu un tas de texto, de courriels et d'appels d'amis, de collègues, de pairs, d'anciens entraîneurs adverses, d'anciennes joueuses et de diverses personnes impliquées dans le soccer. Pour être honnête, j'ai été surpris pas surement sur le nombre de personnes qui ont contacté mais plus encore, j'ai été surpris par certaines personnes qui ont pris le temps de me contacter. Quelques semaines plus tard, j'ai été invité à assister à une retrouvaille de joueuses prévue en même temps avec les activités annuelles du "homecoming" des Stingers avec l'idée d'avoir une réception informelle pour me remercier de mon temps. Après avoir initialement accepté l'invitation, j'ai respectueusement décliné pour diverses raisons (dont certaines que je partagerai un peu plus tard dans ce post). Je n'étais pas prêt à revenir en arrière et à vrai dire, il s'agissait plutôt d'un désintérêt d'être associé à une forme de retrouvaille. En fait, depuis mon départ des Stingers, je n'y suis retourné qu'une seule fois, pour un match vers la fin de 2018 (la première saison où je n'étais pas entraîneur) et cela parce que c'était le match annuel Erica Cadieux, un événement que j'avais initié en 2007 et la famille m'avait demandé d'y assister. En termes simples, je n'ai pas ressenti et je ne ressens toujours pas l'attirance ou le besoin de revenir en arrière et de regarder l'équipe jouer. Le chapitre est clos et je sais que j'attends avec impatience de nouvelles aventures et expériences. MAIS .... En même temps, et d'où le titre de l'article de ce blog d'aujourd'hui, une partie de la raison pour laquelle je n'ai pas retourné, ne le manquait pas ou ne ressentait pas le lien que je pensais pouvoir à cause de la façon dont les choses se sont déroulées à la fin de mon séjour à Concordia. Peut-être que maintenant, assez de temps s'est écoulé et que je peux parler un peu plus ouvertement de quelques sujets. Commençons donc par énoncer quelques faits. Lorsque les Stingers ont annoncé mon départ, je suis sûr que certaines (joueuses / personnes?) étaient assez contentes, d'autres se disant que c'était le temps vu nos insuccès depuis quelques années et certaines surprises pensant que j'aurais resté aussi longtemps possible. Même si ma carrière d'entraîneur s'est officiellement terminée le 22 juin 2018, la réflexion sur la fin s'est glissé dans mon esprit pendant environ les 18 mois précédents. En mars de cette année-là, j'avais dit à notre nouveau directeur des loisirs et des sports que 2018-2019 serait ma dernière année d'entraîneur (en supposant qu'il souhaitait que je reviens) et nous avions discuté de quelques options de transition. Pour définir le contexte, lorsque j'ai commencé à entraîner les Stingers en 2002, j'envisageais d'être là pendant 5 ans et j'avais prévu d'évaluer par incréments de 5 ans. Et c'est ce qui s'est passé, de 2002 à 2006, de 2007 à 2011, de 2012 à 2016. Après ce 3e bloc de cinq ans, on m'a demandé mes plans et là je me voyais plus planifier d'année en année. J'étais probablement en train d'étirer un peu l'élastique, même en pensant revenir pour une année de plus, car à vrai dire, ma motivation et mon enthousiasme pour le coaching étaient sérieusement mis à l'épreuve. Aucun moment ne l'illustre mieux que le 4 février 2018. Quelle est la particularité de cette date précise ? L'équipe se dirigeait vers Sherbrooke pour un match de la ligue hivernale avec une formation épuisée en raison de blessures et d'absences. Il avait un mélange de grésil, de pluie verglaçante et de neige, le long d'un trajet qui aurait été est difficile dans le meilleur des cas, mais ce jour-là, dans un autobus qui avait des problèmes mécaniques, incapable de rouler à plus de 50 km/h. Compte tenu de la nature de la conduite dans une zone montagneuse, le conducteur devaient essentiellement pousser le autobus à sa vitesse maximale en descente afin de créer un élan pour franchi ou je n'avais pas vraiment le gout d'entraîner, dans des circonstances qui m'inquiétaient et m'imaginant toutes les histoires d'horreur des autobus d'équipes sortant de la route durant le mauvais temps. Nous sommes arrivés au match avec peu de temps d'avance sur l'heure du début du match et après s'être préparé rapidement, l'équipe a vraiment joué de manière fantastique et nous avons remporté une belle victoire... et pourtant, malgré cela, et après avoir vu des joueurs de réserve vraiment se présentaient, mes pensées étaient plutôt axé sur le fait que j'avais perdu un dimanche pour ce qui dans l'ensemble est un match sans signification, j'ai manqué de regarder le Super Bowl. Pour une rare fois que je me souvenais, coacher le soccer était un point de frustration. Je suis alors réalisé que la fin était s'approchait. Cela s'est simplement ajouté à certaines frustrations qui commençaient à s'accumuler aux cours des mois précédents. Le coaching au niveau universitaire devenait de plus en plus difficile pour ceux d'entre nous pour qui c'était une occupation secondaire. Le temps requis, le calendrier, le recrutement hors saison, la planification et la préparation étaient essentiellement une obligation à temps plein. La réalité de Concordia faisait que l'entraînement pendant le session d'hiver dans notre dôme nous obligeait à nous entraîner tôt le matin ou en fin d'après-midi, à des moments où je devais être au travail. Comment donner le meilleur de moi-même tout en remplissant mes obligations professionnelles et familiales à temps plein ? Quand j'étais sur le terrain et avec l'équipe, je ressentais encore tout le plaisir et la passion d'entraîner mais entre les entraînements et les matchs, je pouvais sentir ma motivation s'estomper. Il était de plus en plus difficile de mettre de côté d'autres projets, obligations et passions pour me consacrer au soccer. Il m'était d'imaginer prendre des vacances toujours par rapport à mes obligations soccer pour éviter les conflits dans mon emploi du temps. Le département des sports à Concordia traversait une transition, avec l'arrive d'un nouveau directeur qui, lui, est arrivé avec une nouvelle vision et des nouvelles attentes. On demandait aux entraîneurs de s'impliquer davantage dans la collecte de fonds pour le fond de bourses d'études. Les budgets étaient serrés pendant la transition et il est difficile de motiver les joueurs lorsque demander un voyage de camp d'entraînement de 3 ou 4 jours à Ottawa est considéré comme coûteux et que d'autres écoles se rendent pour des matchs aux États-Unis ou même en Europe. Le temps m'avait rattrapée, je peux l'admettre maintenant. Mais alors, pourquoi songer revenir pour une dernière saison? Eh bien, sur papier, le groupe de joueuses qui pourraient se trouver retour serait fort ainsi qu'avec certains, sembler afficher du potentiel pour se trouver comme étant un groupe assez, et peut-être parmi les meilleurs que j'aurais pu avoir depuis des années et j'ai pensé que cela pourrait me donner une chance de terminer ma carrière avec une participation aux séries éliminatoires. En fin de compte, pour diverses raisons, l'équipe a perdu des joueurs clés et l'équipe a connu une saison 2018 assez difficile alors peut-être que les choses se passent pour une raison. Plus tard le même printemps, ma conjointe et moi avons voyagé en Croatie pour de longues vacances planifiées et au milieu de cette expérience incroyable, j'ai commencé à recevoir un tas de courriels et de texto de la part de quelques joueuses, une fois que les évaluations académiques avaient été publiées. Pourquoi? Ces joueuses avaient été informés qu'elles risquaient d'être déclarés inéligibles pour participer à la saison d'automne 2018 et elles demandaient mon aide pour s'assurer qu'elles pouvaient assurer leur éligibilité. Cela a ajouté à ma frustration car certaines de ces joueurs m'avaient ouvertement critiqué, s'étaient moqués de moi ou étaient connus pour être parmi ceux qui demandaient mon renvoi. Alors d'un côté, certaines joueuses voulaient que je parte, mais dans leur inquiétude de ne pas pouvoir jouer, me demandaient de les aider. J'ai mes propres défauts et failles, mais je me considère comme une personne juste et honnête et j'ai toujours eu des problèmes avec l'hypocrisie. Ces deux moments ont été l'aboutissement d'événements qui s'étaient accumulées pendant des mois. Lorsque vous entraînez, ou que vous occupez une position de leadership, être jugé, critiqué ou détesté vient avec le rôle. C'est bien, nous l'acceptons, nous nous en servons même comme source de motivation et nous essayons de faire de notre mieux avec les ressources et les informations dont nous disposons. Bien sûr, toute au longue de ma carrière comme coach, j'ai fait des erreurs, je me suis trompé, et j'ai probablement même vue quelque ‘unes de mes décisions affecter négativement certains des anciennes étudiantes-athlètes. J'ai toujours dit que toutes mes décisions visaient à leur offrir la meilleure expérience possible, mais lorsque qu'on travaille de grands groupes diversifiés, vous ne pouvez pas plaire à tout le monde. Au cours de mon séjour à Concordia, des plaintes concernant mon entraînement avaient été déposées, à la fois en personne et ou des fois de manière anonyme par courriel. Ça fait partie de l'affaire. Cependant, au cours des deux dernières années, il y a eu une série de courriels provenant de ce qui semblait être divers individus mais qui peut être finalement d'un petit groupe se cachant derrière de faux pseudonymes adressés à l'administration sportive, à mes entraîneurs adjoints et même directement aux joueurs. Les courriels remettant en question mes capacités d'entraîneur sont une chose, les commentaires sur mon caractère, mon respect pour les joueuses, et même certains m'accusant essentiellement d'une forme d'abus mental et d'harcèlement dépassent la ligne... surtout lorsqu'ils sont faites d'une façon anonyme. J'ai essayé de les ignorer, de les ignorer mais l'environnement à la fois pour moi et pour les joueurs est devenu manifestement toxique. Pour les apparences et le bien de l'équipe, j'ai essayé d'ignorer les e-mails, les plaintes, les accusations et les commentaires, mais il était difficile de tout intérioriser. Je pense que j'aurais dû parler plus fortement de l'effet que les courriels avaient sur moi. Cela m'a touché plus que je n'étais prêt admettre. À vrai dire, cela a probablement affecté l'opinion que ces joueurs avaient de moi et mes efforts pour développer le programme de soccer. Cette quantité de négativité, que les commentaires soient vrais ou non (un point sans objet dans ce contexte) était indirectement dû à l'opinion de quelqu'un ou quelques-unes sur moi et à leur besoin de se venger. Qui veut s'impliquer dans ce type d'environnement, qui n'est pas à se demander « est-ce qu'il y aurait du vrai dans les critiques ? », pourquoi des joueuses potentielles voudraient-elles rejoindre une équipe où non seulement le succès en compétition fait défaut mais où il y a négativité constante ? La communauté du soccer est très petite, les joueuses passées, futures et actuelles se parlent souvent et ce qui se passait n'était pas un secret. Avec l'arrivée d'un nouveau directeur sportif, et toute la négativité autour de l'équipe et plus spécifiquement liée directement à moi, pourquoi l'idée d'un bon ménage n'aurait-elle pas de sens ? Justement ça fait du très bon sens? Je sais que moi je l'aurais envisagé à sa place. Trois ans se sont écoulés, et je n'ai pas encore trouvé quelque chose qui prend remplace toutes ses heures que je donnais au coaching (et c'est peut-être une bonne chose) ni qui me donne la même montée d'adrénaline compétitive, mais ce que j'ai trouvé est une liberté d'explorer d'autres choses. En septembre 2019, j'ai pu faire un long voyage en Europe, voyager à l'automne pour la première fois en 17 ans, quelques mois plus tard, j'ai pu à nouveau voyager en février, encore une fois sans avoir à choisir entre les matchs que je pourrais manquer ou voyager autour du calendrier de football. Les joueuses qui sont revenus après mon départ sont passés à autre chose, peu ou peut-être aucune a semblait se dire que c'aurait bien que je sois là. Quand je croise d'anciennes joueuses récentes, nous avons des conversations polies mais rien de trop profond. Je peux accepter que la façon dont les choses se sont terminées a terni mon héritage en tant qu'entraîneur universitaire et quelqu'un qui aimait se considérer comme un bâtisseur du football féminin. C'est la vie. Le soccer a été génial pour moi, je suis heureux d'avoir passé toutes ces années à entraîner, je suis heureux d'avoir rencontré tant de gens, trouvait des amitiés durables, vécu des moments que je chérirai pour toujours. Mais le fait demeure que vers la fin, la douleur, la déception et la frustration l'ont emporté sur tout ce que j'ai pu tirer du coaching. Certaines choses me manquent encore, ce sentiment d'être autour d'une équipe, d'être sur le terrain, les frissons qui viennent le jour du match... mais toute la merde et la responsabilité qui vont avec, je suis content d'en avoir fini avec ça. Je ne sais pas si je pourrais un jour retourner regarder des matchs. J'ai été interrogé à l'occasion sur la décision qui a été prise quant à mon remplacement. En public je suis resté neutre, en privé j'ai partagé une opinion honnête. Je respecterai toujours les décisions prises par les dirigeants, comme j'espérais que mes décisions soient respectées. Je suis sûr que le directeur a pris la décision qu'il jugeait la meilleure à l'époque en fonction de la réalité à laquelle il était confronté. Cependant, si l'objectif était de prendre un nouveau départ, pourquoi ne pas trouver un nouvel entraîneur ou mieux UNE NOUVELLE ! Quelqu'un sans lien avec le département, avec une bonne expérience dans le soccer féminin ? Un entraîneur peut-il vraiment se concentrer sur l'entraînement de deux équipes et encore plus était déjà le titulaire de l'équipe masculine, quelle sera la perception de son engagement envers l'équipe féminine, quelle pourrait être son implication. Un seul entraîneur pour deux équipes a rarement fonctionné dans le soccer universitaire canadien, et quand c'était le cas, c'était avec un nouvel entraîneur qui arrivant de l'extérieur et qui a entraîné une équipe et supervisé un entraîneur de la seconde. C'est tout ce que je dirai. Ceux qui vivent l'expérience peuvent partager leurs points de vue Pour l'instant, je vis un nouveau chapitre de ma vie sans entraîneur mais je reste un fan de football le sport. Recently, the news is full of stories about coaching abuses that took place within the NWSL, and to be honest this isn't a recent phenomenon. It remains the dark side of sport at all levels, when coaches use their positions of authority of abuse or harass athletes and the cover up that often occurs. This is mirrored in society but I want to focus on the sports' aspect.
I have written in the past at various times about the relationship between athlete and coach, and how gender sometimes plays in ( or doesn't play in) to that dynamic. You can if so inclined read some of those older posts, you can find them here. the-role-of-gender-in-coaching-and-coach-athlete-relationships.html coach-athlete-relationship-more-than-just-about-performance.html do-female-athletes-prefer-male-coaches-fact-or-myth.html coaches-must-be-role-models.html But now, to the point of today's blog post. We often hear stories about how coaches have impacted the lives of their athletes on and off the playing surface. How a coach along the career path of an athletes inspired or motivated him or her. However today, I wanted to share some opinions from the opposite perspective, how my former athletes affected my life, what they gave to me and the role they played in helping me become who I am today. I have a very good memory for faces. I remember things that maybe most people don’t. My wife often jokes how we have crossed paths with people I know in some of the weirdest places, the HR director who hired me during a week stay at a Mexican resort, just weeks after he made me the job offer, a former employee at an out of the way rest stop in Italy, to a pro-football coach with ties to the school where I coached during another vacation.. and so many more. I remember so many athletes, even if they don’t always remember me. They’ve touched my life in countless ways, and I want to dedicate this to them. I would not be the person I am today without having met them. The adventures, the competitive moments, the laughter shared, the trust that was built, every single little thing. To my start in coaching at the club level, where I fell into coaching really by accident and only because my wife played on the team and the head coach thought since I attended games anyways, I might as well help out, to having him quite 2 months into the season and finding myself in charge of the team. From the disappointment of losing in the provincial final my first year, to winning back to back provincial championships and competed at nationals. To coaching players who were my friends first, and were able to separate friendship from coaching and allowed me to figure out my way in coaching even if there were time I can admit I had no idea what I was doing. Thank you for showing me that we can still enjoy being part of a competitive team without being an athlete. I’m grateful to the players that I thought were showed patience with my decisions but challenged me to become a better coach. To the two national team players that were part of that group, I would look to them for reactions when I made certain decisions and figured if they thought I was doing something right, then maybe I was. To going through a few disappointing years where we had good teams but came up short when playing in the provincials, to reaching once again the nationals in my final year with the club, which provided me with closure on that chapter of my coaching career and the confidence to move on to the provincial level. To the two core groups that I got to work with on the provincial teams. Contrary to my experience at the club level, I had no prior interaction with any of the athletes before we started working together and yet guys, you immediately welcomed me. I did one year as an assistant coach followed by 4 as their head coach with one group and two years working with a younger group of athletes. I felt respected, even though it was obvious I was still learning. It was one of my favorite experiences, working with the top players of their respective age groups in the province, old and mature enough to understand some of the concepts I was trying to incorporate but young enough that they hadn't lost their enthusiasm and desire to grow as athletes. with the provincial teams, I experienced my first real moments of traveling with a team, working on team building experiences, working more closely with athletes then just running practices and coaching games. Some of the players I worked with went on to play at university, on the national team, participate at World Cups and Olympics. I watched athletes grow and mature between the ages of 14 to 19, saw them evolve and grow into the adults they were going to become. I have run into some of these players years on and it always brings back great memories. Working with the provincial teams created the opportunity for me to work at our national training center with the top female players of our province and it is during these years I really developed into the coach I wanted to be It was also during these years, in parallel that my professional work career started to flourish as I moved into more senior managerial roles. My experiences in coaching really help me develop my leadership skills and apply them with my employees. I would like to think the same caring and athlete first mentality I tried to project in my coaching was evident as a work place manager. To those athletes from the my 16 years coaching at the university level. When my time with the provincial teams ended, I was at a crossroads. I didn't really feel any interest in returning to the club level. I felt a certain been there, done that sensation and the idea of dealing with club politics and parents ( although those issues seemed to always be around), was not really appealing. I tried to envision what might be the next challenge in terms of coaching and one day saw a job posting for the head coaching role at Concordia. Honestly, had I not seen that, my coaching career might have been done. I had found the next experience I wanted to be part of. When I got the job, I had no idea how long I would be there but it ended up being 16 years. I had the chance to work with certain athletes for 3, 4 and even 5 years. In actual fact one specific individual was around for 7 years as she became an assistant coach after using up her eligibility. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always perfect and there were some tough moments especially when you look at the results, but it was during these years that I fully embraced the ideal that coaching is much more than just about wins and losses unless you are coaching at the professional level or the top competitive teams. I got to work in a highly competitive, professional environment and show up each day in awe of the work and dedication student-athletes put in to being successful on the field and in the classroom. From the first moments of meeting these individuals during the recruiting process to watching them move on after graduation, the growth they went through was amazing. The last couple of years were tough to be honest and makes me question what impact I might have really had on the athletes ( you can read those opinions here) a-not-so-fond-look-back.html However I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without those athletes. Working at the university level gave me a renewed sense of purpose in the ideals I tried to guide my life by. There was something very special being a small part in something bigger than just a team, wearing the school colors, representing the university, working with these women finding their way towards the next chapters of their lives. It kept me involved in a competitive environment, it kept my young of mind and spirit. I got to be with the athletes 5 days a week during the season and 3 or 4 days a week during the winter. I got to know these athletes quite well. It is generally fun to cross paths with many of them years after they have moved on but some, got out of their way to avoid contact and I guess that is fine, but doesn't diminish the impact that they had on me. And to top it all, working at the university level, allowed me to represent my country twice at international competitions, expand my network of coaches ( some of whom became good friends), be on the inside of some decision making bodies allowing me to pursue my desire to make a difference for women's sport and women in sport. But time moves on. So, I’ll now no longer be working with athletes, I can't imagine any scenario that would see me get back into coaching so there will be no new experiences, no further interaction with athletes These thought and feelings are something very important I needed to get out and I am at a point in my life I am my comfortable sharing comfortably about. When I posted my most recent blog post, a few former athletes saw it, gave me the social media like, but one reached up and shared some comments about what I had written. I showed me that while who knows how many former athletes might not remember me as fondly, they on the other hand will always carry a special place in my heart. I am 3 years on in the chapter of my life that doesn't include coaching, and it took me until this very moment to realize just how much of an impact my former athletes have had on me — and it’s weird, because as coaches we often think about the impact we can have on athletes. Which is very important…but maybe we need to stop and smell the roses more often. Today's blog post could be titled
"How not to care when people don't like you" Truth is that everyone has someone ( or multiple someones) who don't like them. It is a fact of life. We simply can't please everyone. When I was in high school, I was part of a strong social group, not the brains, not the jocks, but a group of well connected, socially strong individuals that had a certain influence in our high school. I always felt I was someone of the outcast of the group, adapting to the expectations of the other members of my group. I have previously written about this, you can find it here i-am-nobody-and-i-am-everybody.html I found out that some of my "friends" didn’t like me or maybe better said, didn't really get me. One of the girls in my “group” told me I wasn’t seen by any of the other girls as boyfriend potential because I was a nice guy but didn't really inspire feelings. Some thought I tried too hard to be funny or fit it and that some found me annoying—which, to be honest, at 15, 16, 17 I probably was—and for many moments during high school, I felt left out. This was made worse during my final year when our school's wrestling team folded and I had to join a club and my "success" had me traveling a lot for tournaments, or having to training after school. I made me miss a lot of the typical social activities that most high school kids enjoy in their final year. I felt like I was always chasing remaining part of my group of friends that had pretty much been the same throughout our 5 years of high school. It took some effort for me to feel connected and part of the group and it made my ( I think) work even hard on adapting to everyone else's expectations of who I should be and how I should act. After graduation, I felt the my ties with this group slip away, I felt I was being excluded when all these years later, I can say, I was pulling away as much as I was perhaps being pushed out. I was devastated, and I swore I would spend the rest of my life being likable and being the person people wanted or needed me to be. However, as I got older, more established in my work life, more confident in who I was and where I was going, The old adage "certain persons simply will not like you not matter what you do,” starting to resonate more and more with me. I started to be ok with the idea that no matter how likable you think you are, you’re not going to win over every person you meet. As individuals, we have your own unique personalities which means some people will love and adore you, while others may not. Of course, while this concept is easy to understand on its face, it’s difficult to keep your perspective in check when you find you’re, say, left out of invitations to happy hours with co-workers, or getting noncommittal responses from potential new friends, or you overhear your co-workers, teammates or peers bad-mouthing you. Rejection is painful in any form, whether it be social or romantic, and it’s a big ego blow to get bumped from the inner circle. For a while this fed into my need to adapt to expectations but also my imposter syndrome ( this I also blogged about before, check out the link) self-diagnosed-imposter-syndrome-its-possible.html However, as I continued to get older, further establish myself and get comfortable in my self-identity. rather than freak out, I started to understand that it’s not just normal to be occasionally disliked, but in fact, it’s healthy. Rejection is a way to suss out who’s compatible with whom, and just as getting romantically dumped by someone leaves you open to finding a better suited partner, getting axed from a social group gives you space to find folks that are a little more your speed. Plus, it’s empowering not to fear being disliked—not that you should run around violating social norms, but when you’re not wasting energy molding your personality to someone else’s to be accepted, you’re more likely to find people who genuinely like you for you, and those relationships are far less exhausting to keep up. Still, it sucks to feel disliked. However as the years passed, I found ways to deal with it. Doesn't mean it works for everyone, but it certainly did for me, and allowed me to become so much more self confident Humans are social creatures, and so we experience painful biological responses to rejection. As we grow, evolve and navigate our way trying to figure out who we are, being rejected and kicked out of the community can seem like matter of life or death. When we get rejected, we might experience an emotional response so strong, it can physically hurt. We’re also likely to cycle through a series of responses that’s not dissimilar to the stages of grief. Most of us want to understand why and we can tend to self blame. Then, like any dumped individual, our first reaction can be to "try to win back your rejecter". Not because, necessarily, you want them to like you, but you just don’t like this feeling of being disliked, Kind of like the reaction, "Let me get you to like me so I can feel better about myself." Not to mention that when these situations happen, at least for me, it brings me back to high school, and those feelings of when it was all about whether you’re cool or not. Once you get caught in the feeling, it really pulls you under, and then you’re struggling. These feelings aren’t exactly pleasant, but they’re also perfectly healthy and normal, so long as you don’t end up dwelling on them, preventing yourself from moving forward. This type of rejection is literally personal, and it’s easy to start questioning your self worth when someone makes it clear they don’t like you. But we all act out of our own insecurities and unique experiences, and for the most part, being disliked is a measure of mutual compatibility. So, it’s not really that it’s not you but them, so much as it’s both you and them. Sometimes, the people who dislike you don’t think certain facets of your personality jibe with theirs; sometimes, you just don’t offer them enough social capital to be worth their time. Since we’re a very social species, with a pretty intense dominance hierarchy, especially when it comes to work, and sometimes in social situations, made all that more transparent with social media where many of us share the most simple of achievements and activities with a wide range of people, some of which are not really friends but rather social media connections, people make specific strategic alliances and switch alliances as it suits them to meet their needs as they define them. So people will try to achieve status, and a lot of time, whether they like you or don’t like you may have nothing to do with who you are. Either way, likability has a lot to do with what you bring to someone else’s table, whether or not you realize it. Many of preferentially tend to spend time, with either individuals who are similar to us in status, personality, or that can validate our collection of values and beliefs. So if you don’t have anything in common that is equally valuable to both parties, then you will likely be rejected. It’s kind of an inevitability. But watch for signs of your own bad behavior While you shouldn’t always blame yourself if someone doesn’t like you, if you’re finding this is a pattern, you may want to take an unbiased look at your own behavior. Of course, in a perfect setting, you can get feedback as to why people don't feel a connection with you. Then, ultimately you have to know who you are well enough to say, ... "okay, that information sounds pretty valid, I do tend to do that, I can see why that might not be attractive to other people, so I’m going to work on changing it,” You might be being given important information that you should take a look at seriously, and evaluate to see if there’s truth to it. Of course, remember that while some of your behaviors might turn people off, likability is typically a two-way street. It is, more often than not, some sort of reflection of the other person’s history, their perceptions, their fears, as it is about you. Like many people, through the years, one of my greatest fears when I would start a new job, or take one a new challenge where I don’t know anyone was the that the old reflexes of feeling the need to adapt to expectations and hide the "real me" would surface. Changing our social circle can be isolating, it’s when you’re most likely to feel disliked or suffer from social anxiety. I think we have a little bit of an unrealistic expectation that we should be able to enter a new social group, anywhere, and with all people. We tend to forget that when we’re first trying to establish rapport in relationships with people in, say, a new work environment, we’re coming into a dynamic that’s already set in structure. There are already cliques, there are already personalities, there are already dynamics, and we have no idea what you’re stepping into. When faced with starting a new job or making a big move start maybe we need to move slowly to get a sense of the new social environment. Don't rush, don't assume, don't allow first impression / perceptions dictate our own behavior. But most importantly, what I have learned especially in recent years. it is ok to be ourselves. If they can't like who we are when we expose the version of ourselves that we feel most comfortable with and most proud of, then too bad for them. And keep in mind that the best way to make genuine friendships is to be genuine yourself. If you just walk around wanting to be liked, it’s very stressful, and people will read that as inauthentic. Even if you find yourself on the outs with some folks, chances are, you’ve at least got a few people you can rely on when you’re feeling low. Spending time with people that care about you can boost your self-esteem and help you to feel more secure., Besides acting as a support to your wounded ego, focusing your energies on relationships with people who appreciate you will, in the larger picture, be a much more fulfilling use of your time and social energy. When all else fails, it’s best to embrace having the occasional enemy. Delight in it. Really, just enjoy it. After all, sometimes it’s actually better to be formidable. If people are jealous or whatever, all feelings are welcome. You don’t need to go around antagonizing people, but if someone doesn’t like you and the feeling is mutual, you don’t necessarily have to go out of your way to appease them, either. Over the last few years, I have actually taken pride in just being me, being able to put myself out there with confidence. Hello, my name is Jorge Sanchez... lover of jests, hard working, serious but not taking myself too seriously... hope you like me... and if you don't, oh well ! In just a couple of weeks, it will be 3 years since my coaching career came to a close. The official announcement by the Athletics Department at Concordia was made on June 22nd ( although the mutual decision had been take a week earlier). You can find the announcement via this link:
https://stingers.ca/news.php?id=1556 A few days later, I wrote and posted this "Open Letter" on my blog talking about my thought and emotions as the realization that I was done coaching. https://soccercoach65.weebly.com/jorges-blog-posts/an-open-letter-the-final-whistle-has-blown The end of my coaching career came without much fanfare or celebration. Obviously some knew it was happening, some probably sensed it coming and others hope it so. Once Concordia made the announcement, a received a bunch of texts, emails and calls from friends, colleagues, peers, former opposing coaches, former players and various people involved in soccer. To be honest, I was surprised but the number of people who reached out but more so, I was surprised by certain people who took the time to contact me. A few weeks later, I was invited to attend a players' reunion planned in conjunction with the annual Stingers homecoming activities with the idea of having an informal reception to thank me for my time. After initially accepting the invitation, I respectfully declined for various reasons ( some of which I will share a little later down this post). I wasn't ready to go back and truth be told it was more of a disinterest in being associated with some form of reunion. In fact, since my departure from the Stingers, I have only been back once, for one game towards the end of the 2018 ( the first season I wasn't coaching) and that because it was the annual Erica Cadieux Memorial game, an event I had initiated in 2007 and the family had asked me to attend. Simply stated, I didn't and still don't feel the pull or need to return back and watch the team play. The chapter is closed and I know look forward to new adventures and experiences. BUT .... at the same time, and hence the title of the blog post for today, part of the reason why I don't return, don't miss it or don't feel the connection I thought I might is basically because of how things unfolded as the end of my time at Concordia came to be. Maybe now, enough time has passed and I can speak a little more openly about a few topics. So let's state some facts first. When the Stingers announced my departure, I am sure some ( players?) were very happy, some people probably thought it was about time give our lack of success and others were surprised, never seeing it coming under the assumption that I would hang onto coaching as long as I could. While my coaching career ended on June 22nd 2018 officially, the seeds were planted in my mind for probably 18 months or so. In March of that year, I had told our newly hire Director of the Recreation and Athletics, that 2018-2019 would be my final year coaching ( assuming he wished me to return ) and we had discussed a few transition options. To set the context, when I started coaching the Stingers in 2002, I envisioned being there for 5 years and had planned to assess in 5 year increments. and so it happened, 2002 to 2006, 2007 to 2011, 2012 to 2016. After this 3rd five year block, I was asked my plans and suddenly I was planning year to year. I was probably stretching the elastic quite a bit even thinking of coming back for one more year because truth be told, my motivation and excitement about coaching were being severely challenged. No moment better illustrates this than February 4th 2018. What is special about that specific date? The team was heading to Sherbrooke for an indoor league with a depleted lineup due to injuries and absences. There was a mix of sleet, freezing rain and snow, along an auto-route that is challenging under the best of times, in a bus that was having mechanical issues not able to drive faster than 50km an hour. Given the nature of drive though an mountainous area, the drives basically had to push the bus to its max speed going downhill in order to build up momentum to get over the next rise. All I could think was that here is was, driving to a game I really didn't want to coach, in circumstances that had me worried, imagining all the horror stories of team buses going off the road in inclement weather. We arrived to the game with little time to spare and after getting ready quickly, the team actually played fantastic and we pulled out a great win... and yet, regardless of this, and having seen some reserve players really step up, all I could think about was how I had wasted a Sunday for what in the big picture is a meaningless game, missed getting to watch the Super Bowl. For a rare time that I could remember, coaching soccer was a sore point. I knew then that the end was near. It added to some of the frustrations I had started to feel over the months prior. Coaching at the university level was becoming harder and harder for those of us for whom it was a secondary occupation. The time required, the schedule, the off season recruiting, planning and preparation were basically a full time obligation. The reality of Concordia made it that training during the winter semester in our dome required us to practice early morning or late afternoon, times when I needed to be at work. How could I give the best of myself while fulfilling my full time work and family obligations ? When I was on the field and with the team, I still felt all the pleasure and passion for coaching but in between practices and games, I could feel my motivation fading. It was harder to give things up in order to plan for soccer. It was harder to imaging vacation around soccer. Concordia Athletics was going through a transition with a new director who arrived with a new vision. Coaches were being asked to be more involved with raising funds for the scholarship fund. Budgets were tight during the transition and it is hard to motivate players when asking for a 3 or 4 day training camp trip to Ottawa is seen as costly and other schools are going for games to the States or even Europe. Time had passed my by, I can admit that now. So why did I consider returning for one year? Well, on paper, the returning group of players would be strong, maybe the strongest I could have had in years and I thought it might provide me a chance to finish off my career with a participation in the playoffs. In the end, for various reasons the team lost some key players and it struggled so maybe things happen for a reason. Later than same spring, my wife and I traveled to Croatia for a long planned vacation and in the midst of this amazing experience, I started getting a bunch of emails and texts from a few players once the university academic assessments came out. Why? Players had been informed they were potential going to be declared ineligible to participate in the fall season and they were asking for my help to ensure they could comply. This added to my frustration because some of these players had either openly criticized me, made fun of me or been known to be among those asking for my dismissal. So on the one hand, certain players wanted me gone, but in their worry about not being able to play, were asking for me to help them. I have my own faults and flaws, but I consider myself a stand up, fair person and I have always had issues with hypocrisy. These two moments were a culmination of events that had been building for years. When you coach, or are in any position of leadership, being second guessed, criticized, or disliked comes with the role. That is fine, we accept it, we even embrace and we try to do our best with the resources and information available to us. Of course I made mistakes, got things wrong, probably even had my decisions adversely affect some of the former student-athletes. I always said, all my decisions where about giving them the very best experience possible but when dealing with large diverse groups, you can't please everyone. Over the course of my time at Concordia, complaints about my coaching had been made, both in person and anonymously. However over the last couple of years, there were a series of emails from what seemed various individuals but maybe a select few, directed to athletic administration, to my assistant coaches, and even directly to players. Emails questioned my coaching ability is one thing, comments about my character, my respect for the players, and even some accusing my basically of some form of mental abuse and harassment goes over the line... especially when made anonymously. I tried to ignore them, shrug them off but the environment both for me and for the players became obviously toxic. For the sake of appearances, I tried to dismiss the emails, the complaints, accusations and comments, but it was hard to internalize everything. I think I should have spoken out more strongly about the affect the emails were having on me. It affected me more than I was willing to admit. Truth be told, it probably affected the opinion that those players had of me and my efforts to grow the soccer program. That amount of negativity, whether the comments were true ( a point that is moot) was indirectly because of someone's opinion of me and their need to get back and me. Who wants to be involved in that type of environment, who didn't ask themselves " might there be any truth to the criticisms?", why would any potential players want to join a team where not only is competitive success lacking but where there is constant negativity? The soccer community is very small, past, future and current players often talk to each other and what was happening was no secret. With the arrival of a new Athletic Director, and all the negativity around the team and more specifically related directly towards me, why wouldn't the idea of a clean slate make sense? It does? I know I would have considered it in his shoes. Three years have passed, I have not yet found something that takes up the same amount of time that coaching did ( and maybe that is a good thing) nor that gives me the same rush of competitive adrenaline, but what I have found is a freedom to explore other things. In September 2019, I was able to take an extended trip to Europe, to travel in the fall for the first time in 17 years, a few months later I got to travel again in February, once again free of having to choose between missing games or traveling around the soccer schedule. Players that returned after my departure moved on, few if any missed me. when I cross recent former players, we have polite conversations but nothing too deep. I can accept that the way things ended have tarnished my legacy as a university coach and someone who liked to think if himself as a builder of the women's game. Such is life. Soccer was great to me, I am glad I got to spend all those years coaching, I am glad to have met so many people, made lasting friendships, experienced moments that I will cherish forever.. but the fact remains that towards the end, the hurt, disappointment and frustration outweighed any positive that I got from coaching. I still miss certain things, that feeling of being around a team, being on the field, the thrill of game day coaching... but all the crap and responsibility that comes with it. I am glad to be done with it. I don't know if I might one day go back to watch games. I have been asked on occasion about the decision that was made as to my replacement. Publicly I remained neutral, privately I shared an honest opinion. I will always respect the decisions made by those in leadership, like I hoped my decisions were respected. I am sure the AD made the decision he felt was best at the time based on the reality he faced. However, if the goal was to make a fresh start, why not find a new coach, with no connection to the department, one with good experience in coaching women? Can one coach really focus on coaching two teams and being the incumbent from the men's team, what will be the perception of his commitment to the women's team, what might be his focus. The one coach for the two teams has rarely worked in USport, and when it has, it was with a new coach to the school, who hands on coached one team and oversaw a coach on the second. That is as much as I will say. Those who live the experience can share their views For now, I am living a new chapter in my life devoid of coaching but I remain a fan of soccer the sport. I have written a few times about my feelings when my involvement in sports as a coach was winding down. You can access these past posts via these two links.
when-the-final-whistle-blows-for-the-last-time.html an-open-letter-the-final-whistle-has-blown.html However, today I wanted to write from the the point of view of an athlete. Sooner or later, every athlete's playing days will come to a close. For most, there will not be the chance to earn a living as a professional athlete and experience all the glory and benefits that come with it. Some will stop playing after youth sport, or maybe, high school or university.. .but the fact remains, for every athlete there will be an end. It is often said that a sports star will die twice, the first time at retirement. For elite athletes who have dedicated their lives to sport, what happens when your time comes to an end, if you aren’t an athlete, then who are you? Elite athletes train extensively for years, in many cases, consuming the majority of their young lives, often making extensive personal sacrifices in order to pursue their dreams of glory. These may include making huge financial sacrifices, moving away from family to train full-time in academies, calling time on their academic studies and sacrificing personal or romantic relationships. For many athletes, retirement is a concept that they do not wish to think about in great detail. However, whether they have achieved Olympic glory or failed to reach the pinnacle in their sport that they had aspired to, all athletes’ careers will eventually come to a close, whether this is through age, injury or exhaustion. However, what happens to these athletes once they leave the days filled with rigorous training, the extensive time spent traveling and the buzz and adrenaline of competing? The first and most obvious answer is that all of a sudden there is a huge hole in one's schedule. All the time spent training, preparing and competing is now gone and the athlete has to find something to fill that void. I can tell you from experience, I went through that my first fall when all of a sudden I had tons of time of my hands and no idea what to do to fill it up. Of course, for some athletes, when they can end their sporting careers on their terms, they can't wait to go on to new ventures in their lives and can find themselves much happier now that the pressure of competing is no longer a burden. However, not all athletes will enter retirement with such ease and willingness, many will struggle with adapting to a “regular life” where they are no longer in the limelight and perhaps in their eyes, become forgotten members of society. Sport career termination induces dramatic changes in athletes’ personal, social and occupational lives, this can in turn potentially affect individuals cognitively, emotionally and behaviorally. The transition that is made by professional or simply top caliber amateur athletes from a full-time athletic career to that of retirement has received considerable comments in the sports media, however, it only in recent years that it has warranted formal academic study. There is more and more evidence indicating that the transition is often found to be difficult because of the sudden cessation of intense demands of elite athletic performance, compounded by the sudden loss of the athlete’s intense devotion to athletic competition and its attendant rewards. This is the time in their lives where they may be susceptible to some level of depression. For many athletes, the situation is simply, a combination of an significant increase of free time, a sense of unfinished business and perhaps not being able to find anything in their day to lives which matches the intensity and send of accomplishment of training and competing has athletes searching for the "next thing". The longer it takes them to fill the void, the bigger the impact it can have on their well being. What exactly is it that often leads retired professional athletes to spiral into depression once they leave the days filled with rigorous training, the pressure of competition and the glory days behind them? There are a few factors in my humble opinion..... Loss of Identity An individual’s identity may contain numerous dimensions, however, it is possible for one in particular to become dominant or preferred and a lens through which the others are viewed. Athletic identity is described as the degree to which an individual identifies with the athlete role and looks to others for acknowledgement of that role. The neglect of other roles as a consequence of the ascendancy of a single role may therefore expose the individual to subsequent identity issues. It has been hypothesized that the loss of a preferred or dominant role may subsequently effect a person’s overall self-concept From that, one can only logically draw the conclusion then that individuals with a high athletic identity at the time of retirement would be more likely to experience a higher degree of emotional adjustment difficulties. Many athletes who have struggled to come to terms with their retirement, often show some level of profound sense of loss in their lives that athletes may experience after putting their competing days behind them. Tunnel Vision Syndrome A “tunnel vision syndrome” affects many elite athletes to varying degrees at some stage of their careers. It is often the case that coaches, parents, professional sports agents and general managers are able to see it, however, athletes who are unaware that they suffer from tunnel vision spend far too much time thinking only of training, competition and results. As a result, athletes are left ill-prepared for the balanced perspective required of “real world” career opportunities. I think people suffer from depression after retiring from sport because they aren’t sure where to apply that focus…there is a lot of focus and a lot of selfishness in sportsmen. Athletes often cannot see their lives following another career path and as soon as the dreaded retirement looms, with this, brings a void that the comfort of a training routine once filled. Potential Biological Factors Of course, one must also keep in the mind the importance that biological factors may play in an athlete who is struggling in their retirement. Athletes have had regular doses of serotonin daily for many years, when this is suddenly decreased or stopped outright, we see a huge upset to the chemistry of the body. A causal link between an imbalance in serotonin levels and depression has been explored by a number of researchers, however, more research in retired athletes posits exploration. We also see athletes who have focused on keeping their bodies in optimal competitive condition break down as the accumulation of wear and tear on the body catches up. When athletes stop training, they may see a huge swing towards letting their physical well being go. So how might they be able to transition from athlete to retired athlete? There are a number of ways that athletes can help to reduce the chances of depression after retirement from sport, these include:
Athletes by nature are mentally tough individuals and are often perceived by the public to be fitter, healthier and happier than others. It is this attitude and stereotyping that can make it more difficult for them to approach someone for help. Therefore it is highly important for close family, friends, team mates and coaches to understand that depression cannot always be seen and the athlete may indeed never admit to how they feel for fear of shame and embarrassment. The most important take home message is to understand that despite their incredible success in their hard-fought and dedicated careers, the process of retirement is a difficult one and it is in this time that social support and communication is of vital importance if the athlete is to avoid the dreaded post-retirement blues. As I have often said, just my humble opinion This won't be the first time I have written on this topic but I wanted to expand a little bit on the what happens when those of us who consider ourselves just regular people cross paths with celebrities or individual in the public eye.
You can reference my original piece via this link the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly-of-meeting-your-idols.html As humans, many of us have the instinct to be curious beings. We develop from a very young age the reaction to question the world around us . We might be taught to question people and how they interact, behave and influence one another. We are often told that there is more to people than what they appear. Most importantly, we were we often hear the expression "don't judge a book by its cover" or something similar. Through the course of my life, with school, work, my involvement in coaching sport and through general social interactions, I have crossed path with a wide range of people, like everyone else of course, and throughout, some make an impact on me, some didn't, some impressed me, some disappointed me, some left me indifferent, some surprised me.. and so on and so on. At the same time, through the course of my life, I have had the opportunity to meet or at a minimum, cross paths with celebrities or public figures (athletes, actors/actresses, politicians, writers etc). This has occurred through a wide range of occasions, whether random meetings on the street, at venues or occasions where the individuals were appearing / performing or other occasions. As a young kid or teenager, like many males, my so called idols where professional athletes. My first memory of meeting a celebrity was having Gary Carter sign my hat and t-shirt during a fair organized by my church. I was probably in my early teens and my recollection, he was larger than life... but of course my dad thought I had ruined a perfectly good t-shirt. Guy Lafleur towards the end of his great career, lived in Baie d'Urfé where I grew up and his son attended the elementary school right across the street from our house, so I often got to say a quick hi or might run into him around town. It was amazing. More recently, I got to work alongside a former pro soccer player, local hero, former Canadian international etc but for me, he was just Greg ( I will let you do the research to figure out who it is). In the summer of 2019, during our annual Dawson College golf tournament, I got to play my round alongside a former Montreal Canadian and NHL player of some note. And while I wouldn't consider him an idol, hearing him share stories from his career, I was instantly brought back to my childhood, reliving my fascination with imagining the life of a sports star, not to mention enjoying getting the inside scoop on players and situations I had witnessed from the outside. As I have gotten older and now being a middle aged man, I have moved away from the notion of having idols or being a fan, towards the idea of admiring a public figure for what they advocated for or believe in, for the quality of their work, or the ideals they present. I have always had a personal rule that if I were to cross paths with a public figure I might enjoy introducing myself to in an appropriate venue ( like following a game for athletes, or a show for an artist) then it was ok to walk up and say hi. I have always shied away from approaching someone in a public setting, perhaps out enjoying free time with friends or family, under the belief that everyone is entitled to their privacy. Truth be told, there have been times when a great chance to meet someone I admire in person has been presented itself and I have for the lack of a better word, chickened out. Yes, me, a man in his 50s, accomplished, educated , experience manager of work teams, coach of elite athletes ( some of them celebrities in their own right because of their success), has experienced a few moments of shyness related to being a fan.... So what is the point of all writing all that? Well, basically, like with life in general, when we cross paths with a celebrity of public personality, what we discover in reality can differ from perception. We can often find ourselves surprised by how different someone is from their public image, both in a positive as well as a negative way. For many years the chance to interact with well known celebrities were limited and what we really knew about public figures was somewhat controlled. The age of the Internet and social media changed all of that. Suddenly, everything we have learned about life and people wasn’t enough. The saturation of the information available made everything a click of a button away. You didn’t have to leave the comfort of your own home to learn more about new places, cultures, trends and most importantly people. Social media became a platform for people to voluntarily show off their lives and create voices for themselves. It gave a voice to the voiceless. It gave them the opportunity to produce visual and written content and easily publish to millions of people. Celebrities were now able to communicate one on one with their fans and share information about themselves that they would like people to know about, but that wasn’t enough to most. It is important to always remember that celebrities or public figures are made not born. They are at the outset, a human being just like the rest of us, with their own realities. What has put them upfront in the spotlight is their chosen profession. Even then, the level to which these individuals embrace their fame or image can vary a lot. Some can be amazing actors or athletes, but remain very guarded about anything else in their lives. The growth in all the various social media platforms combined with more and more public figures using these avenues to interact directly with the general population has certainly opened the door for a more direct contact. I can share an anecdote from me experiences.... A couple if years ago, I got two passes to attend the live taping of a local variety show. The premise of the show is that two hosts welcome 3 celebrities and review the significant moments of their lives. When I found out who the 3 invited guests were, I was happy to discover that the 3 were fairly big names in the local entertainment scene. One among them is an actress I can admit I am a fan of. For the weeks leading up to the show, I teased my wife how maybe I would finally get to meet "her" for real. When the day of the taping arrived, as we entered the studio, I discovered that not only were we sitting in the very front row, directly behind this actress, but we were also sitting right beside her family. Short story, each break in taping, the actress would come over to see her family and would be literally a few feet away and at each instance, my wife would suggest why not introduce myself and ask for a picture... well, to revert back to an earlier statement. I chickened out ! It earned me a few months of teasing about being a fan boy. But wait, that isn't the full story, a few months later, somehow I had become facebook friends with her ( not follow her page but be FB friends like for real). I have been able to exchange occasional messages with her and even tell her about my almost meeting her ( and sharing a picture of her standing an arm's length away). Of course my wife likes to say that it isn't really her but someone from her PR team. Back to the post... so is this new access to celebrities via social media a good thing. In many cases it can bem but often, it can turn ugly. And all of the sudden, a cycle of intrusiveness has been created and we see a trend of trolling and cyber insults while hiding behind a keyboard dramatically increase. The digital age has allowed people to senselessly vent off their feelings about subjects and people with no repercussions or worry. Human curiosity aggressively grows They now needed to know everything about each other and most importantly they wanted to know everything about public figures. That is when the age of paparazzi and tabloids began. Celebrities are now unable to go about their daily lives without flashing lights and screaming fans. They are living life under a microscope with every move and flaw pointed out to the general public just for the sake of their own entertainment. Abruptly, people needed to know every certain aspect of a celebrity’s life. Who are they dating? what is their sexuality? Who are they feuding with? Do they have a mental problem? How are these celebrities supposed to keep their sanity when the world around them is going insane? Being a celebrity doesn’t make you less human, it only makes people around you act inhumane. You get all these media stories every day about a famous person loosing it or going insane, but none mention that they’re the reason behind their insanity. As I said before, we were born to be curious human beings but to what extent do we draw the line? Celebrities are not objects or puppets for entertainment, they are living , breathing human beings. So maybe instead of getting caught up in what they do, we should try and keep in mind who they are. However let's be honest, we all have some public figure we admire and wish we could have the chance to meet at least once even if briefly. Meeting a celebrity is a momentous occasion, but there are definitely wrong and right ways to do it. It's easy to imagine everything that can go awry when you meet your favorite celeb for the first time. Avoid that stress with this handy list of things to do in order to avoid making a fool of yourself. First, remember that it's totally okay to be starstruck. It's not every day that you encounter a star your admire, so those emotions are completely natural. Still, that doesn't mean you should lose your cool. Introduce yourself like you would any other person. Be assertive and friendly, greeting them and letting them know who you are. After all, you probably want them to remember you, and knowing your name helps! If all goes well, they'll introduce themselves, too—not that you needed any introduction and most importantly, follow their lead. Don't assume they want to shake your hand or give you a hug just because that's what you desperately want to happen. No touching or invading personal space unless they say it's okay. Strike a balance in your attention to them. Your gut may tell you to lead by telling them you love them and gush about how much they mean to you, but that's not the best way to make the first impression. On the other hand, don't try to ignore or snub them to act like you don't care. You'll want to find a spot somewhere in the middle, treating them with respect without going completely overboard. If you want to talk to them about an aspect of their lives, stick to information that's commonly known and widely available. Don't bring up some obscure bit of trivia you read about them in a rare book. It might come off as creepy. Like you might with anyone else, find common ground and build a conversation around it, especially if it's relevant to the current situation. Human connection isn't about saying something superficial but perhaps sharing about something that you know is important to them and really resonates with you. If you have a question for them about their work, be original. People really don't like answering the same obvious question over and over and over again, so try to catch them off-guard with a thoughtful question they probably haven't heard before. Always remember, that no matter how huge the celebrity, how popular they are, there is there public persona and their private side. They manage what the public gets to see based on their chosen profession. So when it comes to you, be yourself, they don't have any public opinion of you. Don't be who you think they might find interesting. Don't assume it's okay to snap a photo with them. Ask first if it's cool, and if they cooperate, you'll get much better results. Most importantly, like in life, be respectful, be genuine and be yourself. If you follow my blog posts, you might read the title of today's blog and quickly assume this is another post related to my years in coaching in some way. While there might be some tie in to coaching, the title actually refers to a bigger issue. Truth be told, I find myself pretty creative, choosing a title that has a natural link to one part of my life, but in reality will lead into my sharing about something a little different. Take away the coaching perspective of "being on the sidelines" and it is more about being involved in a situation but but not directly involved in it, having the ability to influence it So why did I choose this as a topic? Well, for long stretches of my life, I often felt that I was simply watching my life move along and adapting my choices to whatever happened. I wasn't influencing but rather watching things happen around me. I conformed to expectations, adjusting who I was to what I thought others perceived about me and often kept opinions or thoughts to myself to avoid standing out or offending anyone. I was doing some research about writing something along this topic and I came across this saying “If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done. Make at least one definite move daily toward your goal.” ~Bruce Lee It’s easy to criticize others. It’s easier to sit outside a situation than be in it. Ironically, it’s easy to belittle someone else’s efforts without making any real effort ourselves. Being in the sidelines is an easier choice than committing to being on the field, truly baring something. It’s also a softer option. It’s much harder to have skin in the game. It takes guts, and a healthy degree of get up and go, to put ourselves out there. To put our work and ideas out there with no guarantee they will gain any traction. To commit ourselves to competition, with no guarantees our hands will be raised in victory. I know all about living on the sidelines, as for too many years I was a manager that didn't want to offend, a coach that wanted to be liked, someone who loved the idea of writing but never wrote, an individual who had strong opinions about gender equity in sport but never spoke out. Some people are blessed to know what they want to do with their lives from an early age. They follow that path, committed to making it work wholeheartedly. No backup plan required. I’ve never been that person. I’ve tried; I’ve tripped and fallen into all sorts of ways of earning a living. Even through my work career, once if finished university at 24 ( so already late because I even stumbled between high school and starting university), I had 6 jobs between 20 years... that's right 6 jobs in 20 years... do the match that is like 3 1/2 years in a given job. Why? Well, basically because i was searching for what I really wanted to do, where I wanted to work, I didn't like something in a job, why try change it, just change jobs. And I eventually landed what I sincerely hope will be my final job just over 10 years ago. Me, 10 years in one job, like 3x longer than I had ever held any other position. I am in a space that fit my lifestyle while I was still coaching and allows my a certain freedom, from the stress of chasing the all mighty dollar, from the stress of the 60 hrs work week, from the stress of the corporate eat or be eaten mindset that sometimes occurs. I took a pay cut in accepting this job, but for the most part, with the amount of freedom I have not to mention the better night sleeps has resulted in a better live style. Working in an academic setting has also stimulated the idea of critical thinking and self evaluation. The downside is that this career path doesn’t always fulfill me. There is a creative gap at times. I have ideas that don’t always belong in my client work but burn away at me anyway. There is a natural tie-in to getting older, to being more self-aware and also developing a higher level of confidence to be able to speak my mind. So I had also ideas swirling in my mind, what outlet could I find to share them. Writing has always been something I’ve been drawn to. I’ve read books throughout my life and have always appreciated the way they could stimulate the imagination, serve as a source of discovery and distract me from real life for a length of time. Much earlier in my life I had visions of being a writer of some sort. I imagined writing a novel that would serve as a path for me to share my inner voice and allow me to put on paper some many things I dared not share out loud. I wasn’t willing to commit myself to the craft, not even close. I didn't have the patience to sit down and put together a story, develop characters, memorize readers with suspense and intricate plot twists. I occasionally promised myself I’d write, I even postured that I could do better than those who did, but I continued to remain passively on the sidelines. So what happened? for work I became a self proclaimed "fixer". I because someone who was calm under pressure and willing to think out of the book to find solutions that would help my employers, impress my colleagues and show leadership by example to my employees. In parallel, my coaching career took off. What started out as coaching a club team filled with friends, developed into a passion, allowed me to travel, coaching different teams, meet different athletes, represent both my province and my country ( twice) and landed me as a head coach at a university. I was starting to find a little more about myself, who I was, who I could be, who I wanted to be... and I searched for a platform to explore. So what happened then? So I started a simple blog. Initially it was a sort of diary, one were I could write about my experiences in Serbia during the first experience at a FISU games. Like my aspirations of being the writer of a great novel, the patience and dedication of putting words to a screen traversed many inconsistent periods. I tried to to re-launch it again in 2011 during my second go around at the FISU games, off and on at the start of a few university seasons.. but to no avail. I just couldn't post regular. It wasn't until the spring of 2017 that I made a dedicated effort to post regularly, sharing stories from my coaching, opinions on the profession and some what to my surprise, started to advocate publicly for the end of gender bias and stereotypes directed to women's sport and women in sport. Here I was, sharing my opinions, telling people what I thought. Did the world stand up and take notice? Of course not. In fact, I look back now and think my initial efforts were pretty awful and unstructured (some would argue my writing remains that way). However, something magical did start to happen in me. I then discovered how I could link my website to facebook and twitter, developed a larger and more diverse number of followers ( ok so just over 2000 isn't huge but a few years ago I had 150 twitter followers). The creative itch and ideas that had gnawed at me started to see light. I started to commit more time to writing. I started to make it a priority in my days to find topics to blog about and to try and post regularly, sometimes 4 or 5 articles a week. I would have multiple drafts started on different topics, committing ideas down in writing and then developing the thoughts as they hit me. That was just over 3 years ago. A little over a year later, The blog posts changed (as my coaching career came to an and), but my writing has continued. I started to share a little more personal opinions, share more openly about myself, my fears, my concerns , the good the bad and the ugly. Writing has become an important part of my life. An important way for me to express myself and share something in me that may have remained covered up otherwise. Is it how I pay all my bills now? No, and I’m really not sure that’s the point. I don't really even know how many people actually click on my links or read through the entire article. Sure, I can get stats of visits on my website but do people actually read my articles? Do the articles inspire thought, create discussion or allow people to form opinions of me and my opinions? I have come to realize that, it isn't the point. I’ve realized that the very act of putting skin in the game is reward enough. I’m involved, sharing, trying to affect some change even if just a little, baring a little and sometimes a lot of myself. It’s hard work at times, but it’s also exhilarating. Committing myself to the process of making my work the best it can be, of trying to make today’s work better than yesterday’s, is reward in of itself. I have invested myself in the process. Do I dream of a day where I’m a full-time writer and the words I labor over support my lifestyle fully and pay for my travels? Not at all, In fact, I might just be 2 years away from retiring from my job and excited about the next chapter of my life. However, I’m also going to keep turning up to write regardless. I’ll carry on turning up to write until I feel I have nothing left to say, and then I’ll stop. And, to be clear, I hope I never stop while breath remains in me. There is risk attached to putting ourselves in the mix. Daring where others dare not. Committing ourselves when others second guess, or stand on the sidelines. But there is something to be earned in putting ourselves to the test. It’s where we will often learn most about ourselves. It’s where we grow. Sometimes it’s even where we define ourselves. To test ourselves is to learn to trust in ourselves. Whether we try and succeed immediately, or more realistically, try and fall down, pick ourselves up again, and then succeed, each time we apply ourselves we bolster the habit of getting out of the blocks. We learn to embrace, and revel in, taking action. We liberate ourselves. Putting ourselves to the test can take many guises. It could be a first public speaking engagement, it could be a first marathon, it could be a first child, it could be flying solo with a business idea, it could be signing up for a competition. It could involve testing ourselves physically or mentally (and often both at once). There is honor to be found in applying ourselves. There is respect to be found in trying to be the best we can be. There is reward to be found in the toil of striving to get better, little by little, regardless of the outcome. The choice is ours to make. We can live a passive life, never truly putting ourselves out there, and possibly shooting down the efforts of others. We can live a life of itches never fully scratched. We can leave dreams left unexplored. Or we can commit ourselves to an all together different route. We can commit to try harder, to do better, to be better. We can bare something of ourselves to the world. We can put our skin firmly in the game. We can seek to make an impact in our own small but significant way. Now that I think about it.... if I ever were to write an autobiography or at least a book about myself... maybe, just maybe, I already have a title that covers the double essence of me. My life on the sidelines... kid of catchy Whether you are religious believing in the theory of divine creation or have scientific leanings that subscribe to the notion of evolution, or anything somewhere along the spectrum in between, there is commonality about our existence all origination from somewhere. Regardless of your beliefs, while the origin of humanity might stem from a single source in whatever form you feel that is, the truth of the matter is that, today, we are all different. We live different lives; have different beliefs, values, relationships, thoughts and emotions. We raise our children differently, think differently and behave differently on a number of levels.
Although common threads might join us, we are all unique in our own little ways. And since we are all unique, with unique points of view and ways of doing things, often times, we consider our own way as the right way of going about things. Because of that, it’s easy to understand why we’re critical of others. That could also be why it’s impossible to please everyone in life. I previously wrote about this reality when it comes to coaching. Sometimes despite the best of intentions and efforts, your athletes will simply not like you and you have to be accepting of that fact without letting it affect your commitment to doing what you feel is right. You can access that particular blog post via this link. and-sometimes-they-just-dont-like-you.html Today’s blog post comes from a more general and wide-ranging point view. The fact it when you are in a position of leadership, coaching, political decision making or in administrative capacity, and others, where pretty much every decision you make will have a impact of some capacity in the lives of others, the minute you satisfy some people’s requirement or needs, you will ultimately disappoint one or some other individual(s). So today, as I sit in a secluded cabin looking over a lovely lake while the sound of rain resonates off the roof, I am thinking back over the last few months of the covid pandemic and some of the actions and decisions I have had to undertake in my management role and the varying reactions they have had of employees and colleagues. So it is something as simple as all of us being different as individuals that make it impossible for us to please everyone with our decisions and actions? That might be the reason why people disapprove of our decisions. That might be the reason why, no matter what you do, think or feel, someone will act dismayed or feel disgruntled by the very notion of your choices or your existence even. How could they possibly think that way or say those things or behave in such a manner? Clearly, you can’t please everyone. It’s downright impossible. From how you speak to your child, to what types of clothes you wear, what you do for work, the decisions you make on where and what to eat, how you drive your car, spend your money, and everything in between, someone is going to disapprove. So I thought I’d share some personal opinions about why we can never please everyone and why we shouldn’t make the effort to do so… and of course these are my opinions, I don’t expect everyone will agree (tongue in cheek insertion…) Why you shouldn’t try and please everyone You absolutely shouldn’t try to please everyone all the time. It’s just not worth it. Not only will you begin to live your life according to someone else’s standards (and if you did, whose standards would you try adapting to, remember everyone will have different expectations and perceptions) but also you’ll deplete yourself of any sense of happiness or enthusiasm. Do what makes you happy and what pleases you. As long as you’re doing the right things, for the right reasons and with a good heart, that’s all that really matters. It’s hard to stay this course when you know that people are talking behind your back, or even in front of your face. People tend to enjoy saying things that hurt others. For one reason or another, it helps to elevate their egos and empower their bold personalities. It’s hard to turn the other cheek while people smite you on both sides. But you simply have to. There are a number of reasons why it’s impossible to please everyone, and while this information might not completely alleviate your worries, reduce your stress, or eliminate all your fears for pursuing your dreams, maybe you might identify and of nothing else, it will hopefully allow you to come to the realization that nobody will be completely pleased with your actions all the time. What’s important is that you do you. Don’t concern yourself with what others think you should do. Don’t allow that to impact the trajectory of your hopes or scare you off from making the tough decisions for yourself and for any given situation that you know are have been thought out and the best options in the moment. Don’t allow peer pressure to hold you back. You might just find that the people who most question your decisions are often those will never step up and make decisions for fear of failing. Being willing to assume the leadership role when things are going well, but to take charge when things are tough and being ready to make the tough decisions, that tales character but also the understanding that you might get in wrong. As long as, deep down inside, you’re sure you taken all the available information into consideration, and you’re doing things for the right reasons with the right motivations, you should never feel sorry for it. And while there might be dozens of reasons why it’s impossible to please everyone, there are a few that are truly important. They boil down to the essence of human interactions and the realities that come with being in the positions to make decisions and choices which will not only impact you but will ultimately have some impact on others around you. Everyone will have an opinion, and often the opinions will come with the benefit of hindsight. No matter what you do or how hard you try, people will always have an opinion about you or your decisions. And more often than not, it’s the negative opinions that will be most shared. People who had nothing to contribute when a decision had to be made will suddenly have detailed explanations as to why your actions or decisions are wrong or didn’t work out. You can’t please those people no matter what you do. You can’t avoid them from talking and gossiping about you behind your back or voicing to anyone who will listen and even to some who don’t listen why they knew things wouldn’t work out. You can’t change their minds, you shouldn’t bother trying either. Nothing will ever change the thoughts and minds of others that are steeped in negativity. Nothing you ever do can please them. It’s quite literally impossible. So why bother trying? They will have an opinion about how you live your life, or go about making your decisions because it’s different from some vision of how things should be they have envisioned in their minds. Right and wrong, good or bad are often subjective. I’m not talking about moral issues here. I’m not talking about murder or robbery or anything else that’s illegal in the eyes of the law. However, all of that aside right and wrong can be almost entirely subjective. What’s right in one person’s mind could be wrong in another person’s mind. Most things are considered subjective. They’re open to interpretation. There isn’t a set way of doing every single thing in life that’s always the right way. Because of that, people will differ in their opinions of just how to approach something. If you’re not doing it their way, how can you expect to please them and everyone else for that matter? No two people are exactly alike and personalities are shaped differently. They are unique in their own special little ways. Since we are all the unique product of our own experiences, and we all share different values and beliefs, we behave differently. Even someone you might think you know quite well might have a hidden value or belief that reveals itself when you do something that runs in contrast to their particular thoughts. People are usually afraid of things they can’t understand. When faced with difficult situations, and the reality is that no matter how well prepared we thing we might be, no matter what we might have experienced in our professional or personal lives, difficult situations are going to come up, not everyone is going to be equipped to handle them. In fact, some are likely to be frightened by them. And if can happen that hen one person in a group begins to succeed during these tough moments, is willing to step up and take charge or seems above the stress of the moment, there’s a certain amount of tension that can created. People are usually frightened by what they don’t understand. The higher the level of uncertainty that a group faces, some will tend to gravitate to what they know, what they can control or what makes them feel safe. When decisions are made without the benefit of success, which can affect others, this might heighten the level of stress and worry. Bu if you are tasked with making decisions, you can let this dissuade you from making them. When you constantly worry about pleasing everyone vs. doing what you feel is right, it affects you more than it does others. When you try to please everyone, you end up sacrificing the confidence in your instincts and values. You might end up going against the grain of making the decisions for you and for the moment. When you do that, you suffer over the long term, having regrets and replaying those what-ifs and should-haves in your mind over and over again. Don’t allow other peoples’ opinions of you to stop you from doing what you really think is right and right for you. You can’t please them all. If you really feel in the moment of making a decision that it is the best decision, have the confidence to make it. Don’t be guided by the fear of failure but be driven but the trust in your own skills. When we try to please others all the time, we lose ourselves. We lose our identities. The things that we used to trust, the condolence in our instincts and beliefs, our willing ness to stand out and being willing to make a difference might disappear as we give into the pressure of doing things that please them rather than that please us. I will leave you with the famous words of Rudyard Kipling “if you can keep your wits about you while all others are losing theirs, and blaming you, the world will be yours and everything in it. What’s more you’ll be a man…..” I have written a few times about how I got into coaching and more importantly how I never imagined at the start of it all that I would spend 27 years, non-stop, sometimes 12 months a year ( or so it seemed) involved in coaching.
This past blog past is one that probably summarizes quite well what coaching has meant to me but certainly not the only one I posted on the topic. If you have time and interested, I invite you to browse through the various posts, but via this link, I think you can get enough context to the rest of today's article. a-coaching-life-well-spent.html Today's blog post is more about sharing insight on how I feel that often times, when someone is involved in coaching, the short term frustrations make it hard to see the long term benefits. I want to start off by sharing two anecdotes from my own coaching experiences. The first one, relates to the summer of 1998. Prior to heading out to the week long national provincial team championships with my U18 provincial team, I had arranged a little mini pre-camp with some practice sessions, a team dinner, followed by an overnight stay and direct transport to the hotel. As this was outside the approved training arrangements, there were some out of pocket expenses and deal making required but I saw it as an important step in preparing the team. As players were informed about the arrangements, most of the parents appreciated our efforts to bring the players together prior to what for many of them was the first major competition and offered to help chip in with the cost. However a number of parents contacted me asking if they were allowed to attend the team dinner. When they were told it was a team only retreat, they complained saying “If we did not drive our kids to practices and team camps,the coaches would have no team to coach.” Worse off, these same parents withheld their thanks and said nothing about chipping in to help with the costs. Luckily these problem parents were in a minority. The second anecdote, a few years later with a different group, involved a team captain from my U16 provincial team. Returning from a week long training camp in the States training and playing alongside some top US players from the ODP programs , (for reference, you can visit this link.) www.usyouthsoccer.org/olympic-development-program/ I took the chance on the bus ride back to chat with many of the players a a type of debrief. This team captain, shared some concerns about her level of fatigue and frustration with soccer at the moment. She mentioned her club team didn't have league games but would be playing in a tournament that she didn't really want to participate in. When I suggested she take some time off to recover, she told me her dad would never go for it. Having what I thought was a good relationship with the parents, I spoke to her father who quickly shut down any discussion about his daughter taking a break and most surprisingly of his comments was one about the said tournament " it's a really fun tournament where all the players and parents get to spend time together and there is no way she should miss it". Ironically, in the first game of the tournament, the player suffered a broken nose and concussion going into a mis-timed tackle.... coincidence or related to her fatigue, we can never know for sure.. .but had she taken two weeks off, she might not have missed the 6 weeks she ended up needing to recover. These stories of petty parental ingratitude and over-involvement illustrate how difficult, and sometimes downright aggravating, coaching at any level can be today. Earning players’ respect has always been challenging for coaches, but recent times have brought even more frustrating situations to deal with. The point here is not to debate the merits or demerits of new challenges, or to arbitrate whether parents might be right or wrong in a particular disagreement with the coach. Sometimes parents become nuisances to the team, but sometimes parents correctly criticize the coach for crossing the line. Parents and coaches alike make mistakes. The point of my two anecdotes is that unprecedented pressures these days lead too many young coaches at all levels to leave the coaching ranks before their time, and lead too many youth league coaches to remain active only for a few years while their own sons or daughters participate. “Long termers,” men and women with tenures measured in decades rather than years or months, seem a dying breed. When an experienced youth coach hangs up the whistle with more still to offer, the coach’s departure can deprive future players of valuable leadership and instruction. Talented coaches are hard to come by. Select team or high school, cegep, university varsity coaches may leave because of sniping from parents whose real beef is that their children did not crack the starting lineup. Social media can make coaches fair game for critics emboldened by the anonymity of the keyboard. Coaches may sense that their reappointment each year depends more on the win-loss record than on whether the team plays to its potential, or whether the coaches teach life lessons that parents say they want. When school administrators pressured by resistant parents countermand reasonable disciplinary decisions, the coach’s relatively modest stipend may seem not worth the cost of frequent year-round commitment. The youth league coach’s lot may not be much better. Silence or conflicting signals from the club administrators may leave the coach at the mercy of parents who disagree among themselves about whether to provide each player reasonable playing time, or whether to play a “short bench” to win. Because volunteer youth league coaches normally make no pretense of being professional educators or professional coaches, they can be easy marks for parents who question their knowledge of the game and second-guess their decisions. Whispering campaigns can be as mean spirited as at the high school level, and parents’ expectations about their children’s prospects for a college scholarship or other athletic advancement can be just as unreasonable. And more often than not, club officials well stand with the parents as a means to keep their registration numbers high and / or to not jeopardize fund raising initiatives. Whether to leave coaching is an individual decision for the coach and his or her family. The family figures into the mix because sooner or later, pressures on the coach usually also weigh heavily on the spouse and children. Because time spent coaching can intrude on family commitments, coaches and families must decide for themselves when coaching stops being time well spent. But when a coach seriously weighing the pros and cons of turning away seeks my advice, I suggest considering not only today’s frustrations (which are real), but also the long-term rewards from years of continued service (which are also real). Here is what I tell them: In the long run, dedicated youth coaches usually win deserved respect and affection because their players never forget. Coach-player relationships frequently ripen into lifelong friendships based on good memories and mutual esteem. Most of my former players range in age from their early 20s to their early 50s. It is quite a charge when one phones, emails, or approaches me on the street with, “Hey Coach, remember me? You coached me 25 years ago.” The teacher-student bond can be one of life’s most lasting relationships, behind only the parent-child and child-sibling bonds. Interscholastic coaches and their youth league counterparts are teachers, and players are their students. For a coach with more yet to offer, resisting today’s pressures to quit can bank “deferred compensation” for a job well done, redeemable years later in the form of lasting shared memories. It is like many other things, the short terms frustrations, when they lead to people giving up, can impede the benefits down the road that one can not even imagine. In the works of Ted Kennedy in his biography True Compass “This is the greatest lesson a child can learn. It is the greatest lesson anyone can learn. It has been the greatest lesson I have learned: if you persevere, stick w/it, work @ it, you have a real opportunity to achieve something. Sure, there will be storms along the way. And you might not reach your goal right away. But if you do your best and keep a true compass, you'll get there.” |
AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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