When I was quite young, I have recollections of my dad really liking the Beatles song “When I’m sixty four”. If you don’t remember all the lyrics to the song, I’ll let you google them at your convenience but I’m sure most people can remember the chorus to the song.
“Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m sixty four?” Clearly one is supposed to feel vulnerable and derelict by that age and I am just over eleven years away from it now. Honestly though, I feel ages away from feeling helplessly old. At the same time, I have to be realistic that I am not longer in my thirties or even my forties. There are various cliché sayings related to age and aging, you know, the ones about how age is just a number or that you are only as old as you think you are, or any number of variations of those themes. I do think there is a certain truth to that thinking. I think our society is sometimes obsessed with role playing in the sense of asking people to “act their age”. We are supposed to be behaving in the manner laid down by the expectations of those around us and any digression from the same comes across as a reason for raised eyebrows, shock or in the case of those with a more generous outlook, as pleasant surprise. And I wonder, is mental aging a conditioned thing. I consider myself someone who is fairly in tune with what is going on with today’s younger generations. Between working within a Cegep and all the years I was coaching, I spent a lot of time around individuals ranging from late teens to young adults. However, being around these individuals created the occasional very contradictory perception, from that I can really relate and understand them to I have really no idea what they are thinking. When it came to coaching, I have regular interaction with the athletes. For sure the soccer discussions where the most prevalent but I would also exchange with them about careers plans, day to day issues and when we are together as a group, share some great moments of joking around. Truth be old though, it was always clear to me that no matter how well we got along, I was the same age or for the last few years, older, than their own parents. I am sure they would look at me trying to act young, with it, hip or whatever other terms you might put there and think “what a goofball” the same way I would look at adults and think the same thing when I was their age. Truth be told, I think every generation goes through the cycle of looking at their parents or other older people in their lives and finding that they aren’t acting their age or trying too hard to act young. Then when those teenagers or young adults reach their 30s and 40s, they will display all the same behaviors because in their mind they are not old. It’s strange how these behaviors, reactions and perceptions bind us down. I find so much pleasure in communication and being aware of all that is going on around me. Why do we perceive that certain things are appropriate for certain age groups, you know like music, classical being the genre of the old and hip hop the genre of the young for example. On the other hand, we don’t mind going to extreme lengths to try and maintain our physical appearances through various means. However aging is an inevitability that you just have to come to terms with, do what you will. It is interesting how your body begins to reintroduce itself to you as you get older. Maybe it’s a way of reminding you that you are still here and alive. Let’s start with the obvious signs, thinking that somehow every printed medium in the world has decided to use smaller font, when really it just means it’s time to give in and get reading glasses ( which I have). Then there is the receding hairline or loss of hair altogether, and the hair that might remain is going grey. This summer, for the first time ever, I decided to grow a beard for an extended time. It’s pretty much all grey ! Then add the wrinkles around the eyes, the age spots, hair in the eyes… and probably many more. Add to the above, the messages your body chooses to send is some not so subtle ways. There are times when my right arm sends me a little aching “hello” when I lift it, especially on days when the weather is damp and rainy. Then, just for fun, my elbow shouts, “hey” with a tiny jolt of pain. My knees and legs want in on the act so if I sit with one leg folded under me for more than a few minutes, it kind of refuses to unfold without a complaint and I might get some tingling in my toes. If I’ve been sitting a while, my body might stiffen up and my lower back seems to lock in place. A few years back, I was having issues with my knees. They were often swollen, stiff and painful. Certain movements caused pain and I might be walking along and one or both knees would buckle. I went to see a doctor who ruled out some of the easily detectable possibilities (ie torn ligament) but he still sent me for an MRI. When the report came back, there was a long list of issues detailed which basically indicated, years of abuse from sports, scar tissues and signs of old injuries that had healed. I was then sent to an orthopedic surgeon just to rule out the need for surgery. He did a quick exam, looked the report and MRI online and told me, the issue was nothing to do with the old injuries but the early on set arthritis. He felt there was no need for surgery and when I asked him what I could do to deal with the situation, he quickly replied “Just accept you’re getting older and deal with it “ Ok, there was a little more feedback given about certain adjustments I could do. Namely changing some of physically activities I preferred. Doing some therapy to loosen up the scar tissue and strengthen the knee overall etc etc but the line about accepting that I was getting older stuck with me. Fast forward to today and the knees feel much better. Do they feel perfect? No not at all. There are still moments of stiffness, but a feel changes I made certainly have helped. I am at my lowest weight in probably 10 or 12 years, I changed my physical activity ( no more always carrying my golf bad and walking when I play), I bike more, I kayak, I eat better, I stretch somewhat regularly, I try and foam roll once in a while. Physically I feel the best I have felt in a long time. I could probably improve my fitness level but I have more energy than in recent years. I sleep more soundly (although apparently snore much more). I can go out on the lake or get on a bike for 3 or 4 hours at a time and not feel stiff or sore afterwards (or maybe not too stiff or too sore). I feel strong for many physical tasks around the house (even though I didn’t ever consider myself to be strong, maybe more wiry). Mentally, I look forward to learning new skills, trying new activities or hobbies. Of course, where maybe once I would receiving comments or compliments about looking fit, being good looking or attractive, I know get told how I look mature, distinguished, wise and worldly. Anyway, this got me thinking about how aging is such an interesting experience, and differs for everyone I guess. I’m starting to think it’s as much about state of mind as it is anything else. (Even that achy stuff that keeps reintroducing me to different body parts). Some folks are old before they reach an age that I consider old. I’ve heard people in their 40s talk about being old — seriously! You are just coming into your prime so shut up of F%% off. Then you get someone like my now deceased grandmother who was in her 90s and would complain how she was physically breaking down and no longer fit… or just being a normal lady in her 90s for most people. She was still so mentally sharp, took daily walks (sometimes up and down her hallways when the weather wasn’t great) and took other ladies in her residence that she preferred to take walks alone because in her words “walking with old people stresses me because they can’t keep up “… most of these friends of hers where 10 years younger than she was! Since aging is inevitable and meeting your body where it is at this moment is a choice, I’m going to do my best not to complain when my back reminds me I am not 21. In fact, I think I’ll honor the twinges that tell me I am alive and breathing. Now, I didn’t say I’d celebrate that I have aching stuff that didn’t ache at 20, 30 or 50. But, I’ll do my best not to dwell on it. I am going to take the mindset that I have to have to be as active as I can. That I have to get up and keep moving or I won’t be able to get up and move.” I know I’m blessed with good health and a body that allows me to do most anything I want to do. So, I’m pledging not to take that for granted. I’m done with coaching and I am at the age where retiring from work is not some distant possibility, so I am going to start this chapter of my life being active, challenging myself mentally and keep telling myself that I am too young to be old even if I am too old to be young. Or I guess, maybe that it is why they call it middle age.
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With my retirement from coaching now being firmly official, but retaining a desire to continue to post on my blog, I started exploring other topics about which I could write. Don't get me wrong, I will continue to post about sport, coaching and certain society related issues to those two but I also want to branch out and write about other subjects. I might want to explore writing some fictions essays or short stories but I also might like to share my thoughts about funnier side of life and attempt to instill a little humor into my writing.
Earlier this week, I post two articles related to high school life, cliques and friendships. So, it got me thinking about a few tongue in cheek posts I might want to put together. As you read today, keep a sense of humor about you, don't take it too seriously, and mostly, accept when I write that this is not some attention / sympathy seeking piece with the intention of sharing my deepest insecurities and thoughts. They say that in every joke there is a little truth, so I would assume that in every post while humorous they will always be a little of my truth. However at the core, I am hoping for my writing to be entertaining, maybe a little informative but mostly an outlet for expanding my creative side. SO here goes...... Every group of friends is diverse and its members each hold a unique role. While every clique is different, there are common roles in which members tend to fall into, e.g. the funny one, the eccentric one, the introverted one, the superficial one, the list goes on. Perhaps the most underrated (but what I believe to be the best) role you can have in a group, or in life for that matter, is the low-key nerd. What is the low-key nerd? Well, I'm glad you asked. The low-key nerd is the person who embodies all the best qualities of a nerd, without being like one of the cast members in "The Big Bang Theory." This person is equal parts smart and sass. Low-key nerds aren’t geeks or dorks, they genuinely have their sh*t together, and are by most definitions “cool,” but they probably have the highest IQ's in the group. The low-key nerd can vary. If your group of friends are not the brightest bulbs, then the low-key nerd might not be very smart at all, but in comparison to everyone else they’ll take the cake. If you are friends with very smart people, then the low-key nerd might be like, Bill Gates…who knows. The point is there is always that one person in the group who’s cool enough to keep it real (only nerds can say that without being serious/embarrassing) but also can add up all the change in your purse, very fast. Some of the most common traits of the low key nerd are as follows. Anyone who might exhibit a combination of these may just be a low-key nerd: Your friends are always wondering how you know that random fact that you decided to blurt out, and you simply do not know. Your brain is like a sponge and you somehow remember all those random things that you learned throughout school. I mean who doesn’t know the first piano was the harpsichord? Low key nerds have the ability to withdraw from irrelevant, petty and bullshit riddles discussions by withdrawing into their own brain. While everyone else is talking about how so and so was a real dick this week or how their boss doesn't know the first thing about running the department, you can just sit there, pretend to listen, and ponder things like the next dinner recipe you might want to try. You enjoy a good time and are comfortable holding court in front of a group, seeking to make everyone laugh with stories, even willing to share some self-deprecating facts about yourself, but for the most part, deep down you’re on a more serious level. You can hold serious conversations about a range of subjects and you are just as comfortable sitting at home reading a good book on your own. In school, you bridged the gap between the popular and unpopular kids. You definitely were the low-key nerd if you found yourself somewhere in-between being cool and not cool. You were friends with the geeky kids, but also friends with the popular kids… which made for a really awkward social life. You were seen as the good friend or confident by the great looking classmates but never really had the chance to date them. The good part was, if you worked it right, you could kind of be like a translator for both, and bridge the awful high school hierarchy for some of the un-cool kids. You like to consider yourself like Clark Kent / Superman personality. Just like these superheroes, you consider yourself to have a bit of an alter ego. While everyone thinks you’re the class clown, well spoken in a group and comfortable to be a leader, you know deep down that the nerd resides in you… and you're both perfectly fine and proud with that. You probably have an eclectic taste in music, because you are constantly seeking new and interesting things to excite your brain, you probably have a wide array of music you're into. You might collect comics or sports cards just as you might like to stay on top of all the new technical gadgets. When someone you think is cool or attractive makes an obvious error, you know better than to correct him or her This is one of the prime factors that separates total nerds from low-key ones. A really nerdy nerd is going to miss the social queues and despite wanting that person to like them, will belittle and demean the person by correcting them. Guys like smart girls, girls like smart guys but no one likes to feel stupid. The low key nerd is comfortable enough now when they are smart without holding it over anyone. You can watch some slapstick comedy and laugh uncontrollably and still enjoy some artsy film covering one of society's thought provoking issues. You might also be the type who comes out of a film pointing out all the illogical flaws or describing possible alternative endings or what would happen next if there was a sequel. When you get together with friends, especially order friends ( like maybe high school ), many of your peers can remember some funny story about something you did. They will tell a story which might take on proportions and give you attributes that you don't even see in yourself. You actually know what you’re talking about and you don’t have to flaunt it. The greatest of all the low-key nerd traits! Real nerds will constantly make it known that they are intelligent, and wannabe intellectuals will embarrassingly attempt to make themselves look smart despite the fact that they paid more attention to who is dating who or where the best parties than any class in school. You on the other hand, can quietly relish in your intelligence without throwing it in everyone’s face. You know your strengths and weaknesses, you adapt quite easily to situations that present themselves in front of you. You thrive being in charge but don't need to be recognized for your efforts. So there you have, a new social category, the sub group known as low key nerds. Apparently, I am one of these... and I embrace it. As I posted yesterday and have mentioned in various posts in the past, my coaching and work careers have run parallel paths for pretty much the entirety of my adult years. I was put in a supervisory role within 3 years of starting my work career and since, coaching and managing have been intertwined. The experiences I would face in one domain would often help me deal with situations in the other.
Leadership is leadership, whether you are leading a team of athletes to reach competitive goals, or managing a staff in the workplace looking to accomplish business objectives. Many of the skills of coaching are applicable to managing in a work environment. Coaching, in the context of performance management, means bringing the right people onto your staff and developing them continually so that they do their jobs well all the time. Think in terms of baseball, football, or volleyball coaches. They first recruit the right people, assess training and development needs, and work to improve the skills of all. You’re a coach in just the same way. As a coach, for instance, one of your jobs is to hire top staff. Then, if at any point your employees lack the skills they need to do their jobs well, your job is to train them. Analyzing training needs is, in fact, an ongoing responsibility, since skill needs change as the demands of the workplace change. Besides making sure your employees have the skills they need, as coach you need to ensure they understand your organization’s values and mission. Otherwise, your employees may create problems for themselves or for you. There is a belief that is critical to coaching that employees like to do a good job, and they want to get positive feedback and encouragement. Sitting down with a worker to discuss his or her recent efforts won’t be demoralizing. If it is done tactfully, you can move the individual to a point where they can do a good job and where, consequently, they’ll get the positive feedback and encouragement they want. To make this happen, you have to tell an employee exactly what you want and why. Present the big picture and his or her role in it. For example: “I will get calls from customers when they don’t hear from us about the status of their orders. Keeping them abreast of the status of their orders is a promise we make to our customers. Your responsibility is to process this information and send e-mail updates to them. Since I got a few calls this morning, I am assuming that you haven’t sent out all the letters yet. Is that so?” If the employee says yes, then the manager might explore the reasons why there have been delays. More important, together with the employee, the manager would come up with a plan to address any obstacles in completing the work on schedule. In the meantime, he might suggest, “Make print copies of the information. If a customer calls, I’ll be able to answer his or her questions. Given our plan, I should be able to assure the client that in the future he or she won’t have to call.” If the employee needs to learn a new skill, you might want to both tell and show the person what to do. Finally, you sit with the individual as he or she does the job. As the employee is learning, you should be there as his or her personal cheerleader. That assumes that you believe the individual can handle the job. If you have some doubts, go back and offer further training. Effective coaches don’t leave their employees to sink or swim. They recognize that there is a learning curve and they make a point to help their employees who are on it. Interestingly, as a coach, you need to accept that your employees will make mistakes and—most important—that they can learn much through the process of getting it wrong and then finding out how to put it right. Your role is t be there and congratulate them when they get it right. Coaching is something you begin from the first day an employee arrives on the job, when you discuss the individual’s responsibilities, your expectations, the unit’s role in the bigger corporate picture, and the company’s mission and strategy. Thereafter, schedule to meet with the employee one-on-one at least once a month. Many managers argue that they don’t have the time to coach each and every one of their employees on a regular basis. However, ask yourself, “What will it cost in time or money if my employees don’t have a clear view of operating priorities or plans, or lack of critical skills, or are encountering problems that impede progress?” The cost in time and money will be considerably more than the time you’d spend in coaching. In other words, coaching is preventative maintenance. While coaching mostly involves one-on-one meetings, bear in mind that it can also take the form of group sessions. The intent of these meetings is the same as one-on-one sessions—to better prepare employees to do their jobs. Group sessions can thus provide information on action plans, focus on skill-building activities, or remedy small group performance difficulties before they grow beyond control. Question employees about work in progress. Give feedback. There is no such thing as too much feedback about job performance. Praise for a job well done reinforces that behavior and increases the likelihood of its continuation. Suggestions for improvement tell employees you think they are capable of doing better. Should you see any problems, ask open-ended questions, for example, “What’s keeping you from doing an even better job than you are now?” or, “Is there anything we need to talk about?” and, most important, “How can I help you?” Once you have developed the knack of asking such questions in a non-threatening way, you should be able to uncover problems that may not otherwise come to light. You might identify a skill deficiency. Sometimes, too, you may discover more about an employee’s interests and aspirations. This may suggest ways to redesign the job and thereby stimulate above-standard performance. Besides being a skilled listener, you should be alert to what’s happening on the plant, service, or office floor. Practice management by walking around, and then discuss what you observed with the employee. Jot down casual comments or follow-up thoughts you can discuss during one-on-one meetings you hold with staff members each month. I won't comment about the perception of being a good coach, or a good manager. Like any role in leadership, over time you come to realize that it is rare and often impossible to please anyone. As my work mentor once said " if every one of your employees says that you are a nice guy, it means you are not being a good manager because sooner or later you will be in a position to tell some NO and it will upset someone at some point ". There is a lot of truth to that statement. I have experienced myself both in coaching and managing. All I can suggest is that as a leader, be consistent, being transparent and be fair. If your decisions are based on what is best for the group and based in facts, you may not always be liked, but more often than not, you will be respected. I finished university in December 1989 and I started working shortly thereafter. I started coaching a little over a year later in the spring 1991. So basically for almost the entirety of my adult life, I have held two jobs, My full time work withing a number of different industries and companies and my part time work of coaching soccer. Now when I talk about the work in coaching, it's a term I use loosely since financial compensation was nothing at the start and somewhat minimal for a significant part of the time. The coaching profession has changed to the point where AAA club coaches are now being paid stipends and those working with the provincial teams and national training center can make the equivalent 1/3 or so of full time work.
Truth be told, I have had more stability in coaching that in my work career. Since I started working, I have held jobs with 8 different companies / entities with my current position in a cegep for the last eight and half years being my longest tenure. In terms of coaching, my 27 years cover three organizations: club ( 7 years) , provincial program ( 6 years ) and at the university level (16 years) with a year overlap between club and provincial program. For most people that know me, they identify me as being a coach. It's the topic of conversation, is the subject of questions I might get asked " so how is the team doing this year " and probably what has defined the person that I am today at 52 years of age. When asked, I would most often answer questions about " so what do you do?" with some variation of " I work as a ( fill in the blank) , in the field of ( fill in the blank) but I am also a soccer coach with ...... ". From early on in my professional career, I saw work as a means to earn a living that would allow me the financial ability to do build a life and do the things I enjoy. My changing of jobs was often related to looking for new challenges, opportunities or because I had gotten board with the work I was going. In comparing the two career paths of coaching and work, I can now say that I started working after graduation because it is what people do but it took me until 8 years ago to find my place work wise but I feel into coaching by a series of circumstances but I quickly knew that coaching was something I wanted to do. So why is coaching such an important part of my life ? Coaching can be one of the most beautiful, powerful, and influential positions a person can ever have. Some people may call it a job, and others a profession, but in reality, being a great coach is not that at all. It is so much more than that. By being a coach, I chose to work with young athletes. I chose to guide them through the trials and tribulations of learning two beautiful games: sport and life. I was able to be in a position to change their lives forever, not only by making them better athletes, but better people. As a coach, I was a leader, a role model, and a person who serves your athletes, and for these athletes ( and in some cases their parents) I was are a person to whom they entrust their physical and emotional well-being. I never took take this responsibility lightly. Coaching can be one of the most difficult jobs in the world. We work with young athletes in highly emotional and public situations. We keep score, and because of that our work is often judged week to week, even day to day, based upon the performance of a bunch of kids, how well they play, how much they play, and where they play. Every time we coach, our words and actions can have a huge impact in the lives of our players, both positively and negatively. We are faced with moments of success and failure, and with calls from officials both good and bad. Our words and actions in these situations can stick with our players forever. The thing is, we don’t get to choose which things stick, and which ones they forget, so in everything we say and do, we have to choose wisely. Coaching also means you will be dealing with parents. Many of them are wonderful, and will support you and be grateful that you have taken the time and energy to teach and mentor their child. Celebrate them, and be thankful they are on your team. Others are not so wonderful. They have unrealistic expectations for their children and the team. They will be a friend to your face, and an enemy behind your back. They will make life miserable for their own child, and often for you and the rest of the team as well. So besides coaching athletes, I on occasion hard to work on educated them and minimize their negativity, and empower others to do the same. The science of coaching and teaching has evolved tremendously in the last few decades. We now know that many coaching and teaching methods used when we were kids are not as effective as once thought. Fear and intimidation does not work as well as an environment of safety and respect. Lines and lectures are a thing of the past. Rote repetition is effective only to a point. Just because you taught something does not mean your players learned it. Just because you went over it does not mean they retained it and can replicate it in a game. Far too many coaches are focused on running exercises in practice that are successful 90% of the time, when in reality messy practices that replicate game situations are far more powerful learning tools. Every player we coach, we leave a lasting impact. There is no way around this; you will influence every player you come in contact with. What will your influence be? Will it be something positive and affirming that bolsters your athletes and serves them throughout life? Will it be a more fulfilling experience for you and your players, more enjoyable, and more successful? Or will it be something that tears them down, that diminishes their self worth, that makes them fearful of failure, or ties their self-worth with sports success? We all mean well, but sometimes when we are pushing to win a game, or talking to our teams after a tough loss, we say and do things that we later regret. I know in the past I have, and I never considered for a moment that my harsh, personal and often over the top criticism of a kid might follow him or her off the field. But it did. I believe that being a coach is so much more than running a bunch of practices and organizing kids for games. It is about connecting with your players as people first, and athletes second. It is about being passionate, and loving the game you teach, so your players will play with passion and love. It is about empathy, making every player feel important, and giving him or her a role on the team. It is about integrity and consistency for kids during good times and bad. It is about being a model of the behavior you expect from your athletes, both on and off field of battle. It is about being a teacher, not only of the X’s an O’s of a sport, but about life, about optimism, about persistence, and about character. No, coaching cannot simply be a job. It must be a vocation, a calling to a place that best suits your skills, your passion and your ability. Wow, that's a lot of information huh ? Over the years, I have crossed path with many coaches who really had no clue about a majority of the above. They showed up, ran training and went home. They measured their own self worth but the successes of their teams. Now, let me share a little counter argument to all of those points about coaching being a calling, how it is powerful and a strong part of defining who you can be as a person, about how it defines who I am as a adult. I can share this second part thanks to the benefit of experience, acquired maturity and hindsight. As much as coaching requires dedication and passion, as much as I personally poured into all my coaching efforts, like a job, it was something I did, not the entire summary of who I am or was. I often used to encourage parents and younger coaches to, as much as possible, avoid asking athletes questions or making statements that subtly reinforce excessive value on winning and their athletic identity (e.g. “did you win?”, “oh you lost again?”). However, my wife recently made the astute comment to me that we often break this ‘rule’ when speaking with coaches. Upon reflection, when I come across a coach for the first time in a while, I’ll ask “how’s training going?” or “how’s your squad looking this season?”. What message does this send to the particular coach? In such scenarios, one coach may perceive me as being nothing more than genuinely interested and supportive, whilst another could interpret the question as a further important reminder that their own self-worth is in fact based on the results of their athletes and teams. Coach identity, similar to the concept of athlete identify, can positively or negatively affect one’s well being. Experiencing a sense of purpose and contribution in a role that we are passionate about can be a wonderful, and sought after, experience. However, for some, decoupling what we do from who are we can be a struggle and, when this occurs, it can feel as though we our placing our identity on the line each time that we lead an athlete or team into competition. However, it is important to keep a few key points in mind when you think of yourself as a coach. Many of us that have the privilege of working with athletes develop a tendency to dwell on and become preoccupied with the performances of the athletes that we work with to an unhealthy level. We can have significant influence on those under our care; with that said, one thing to keep in mind is that we are always just one part of a problem, and will only ever be one part of the solution. Optimal (as well as poor) performance relies on many elements interacting so it is important to avoid placing too much pressure on oneself to be perfect and solve every problem. When we strip everything back, there are only a small number of things that we can control in sport. It can be helpful to make a list of things that you can and cannot control (do this with your athletes early in the season!), and then give those things that you can control your full attention. As a general rule, we think of coaches who have objective success (titles, good win/loss record) as the most successful, but in reality there are many coaches who are doing truly amazing things with athletes who may not even make the podium – this should not mean that they are not as successful, just as winning a title does not inherently signify coaching excellence. We often remind athletes that they are so much more than what they do on the court or field of play; however, we need to ensure that we ourselves heed this advice. Although it is difficult at times of the year, spend time with family and engaged in interests outside of sport. Balance is important for everyone and spending time away will actually make you much more effective when you are engaged with your athletes as you are more likely to feel refreshed and enthused. Also, just as with our athletes, nurturing your life outside of sport will potentially reduce the pressure that you experience in the sporting environment and enhance your performance. So taking all the points above into consideration what does this mean to me ? Well I think back to the statement that is today's blog post title; " WORK IS WHAT I DO, COACHING IS WHO I AM ... OR IS IT ?" So let's be blunt, I am not coaching anymore, I won't coach anymore. I have made the decision to retire from active coach. So does this mean that I don't know who I am anymore ? It has been 3 months since I officially retired from coaching and around 6 weeks of time that I would have been coaching if I was still with Concordia. Have I missed it, do I feel lost not coaching ? To be quite honest, no, not really and somewhat to my surprise. When I started coaching in 1991, I never imagined that I would last 27 years. When I started at Concordia in 2002, I pictured trying it for 4 or 5 years max. I was one of the fortunate ones that had a long run in coaching and that I never took it for granted or saw it as a burden. Truth be told however, for the last couple of years, I was already seeing coaching coming to an end. I was ready to move on and explore something different as a hobby or activity. People still identify me as being a coach and I take it as compliment in the sense that I did it with passion and commitment and worked hard to promote my sport and teams. One chapter has closed but if you book only had one chapter it would boring. For me, life is a series of connected stories, a set of chapters where you arrive to a fork in the road and get to choose which direction to take and then enjoy the ride as you discover what happens next and add those experiences to the sum total of your life. For now, I am sitting at one of those forks, tentatively looking ahead, but I know I will choose a path and might just define a new part of me. As the title of today's blog post asks, " Was high school awkward or the best time of our lives?" I have often heard and read people talk about the years in high school being the best time of someone's life. It is a time where we pass from being kids through our teenage years and develop character traits that we can take with us into adulthood. It comes with many firsts, our first taste of alcohol ( or getting drunk), first crush, first heartbreak, first adult like decisions while still being kids, and a first taste of freedom and teenagers forge their own path.
The movie Breakfast Club came out in 1985 and as someone who finished my own high school years in 1983, I think it's a movie that aside from its story and dramatic license, did sort of capture much of the teenage angst and realities that I and my peers experienced in high school. For those who might not remember, the movie was about 5 high students, all from different social groups who discover that while their outward appearances are vastly different, they all share some of the same concerns, insecurities and pressure that all high school kids share. They find a way to connect during their day long detention but at the end of the day as they head off on their way, it leaves you wondering if they will remain as friendly once they are in the "real world " of high school life, surrounded by their usual crowd of friends. I wonder how that film might pass the test of time. How relevant might today's high school students find it? Not to sound like an old disconnected middle aged man, but today's reality is a world where social fitting in is measured by the number of followers on social media or number of likes on a post. My goal today is not to compare generations or pass judgement on today's society but rather share about my high school experiences and those of my classmates. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, this year represents a somewhat milestone since graduation, 35 years since we finished our time at St Thomas High School in Pointe Claire. Discussions about holding a reunion started up late last year and through the summer but it was hard to organize something that would work for everyone. All the talk of reunions and getting together, seeing people that I've had limited contact with almost since high school finished, has had feeling a little nostalgic. The timing comes in conjunction with another milestone in my life, retiring from coaching after 27 year of being very actively involved. It has led me to take stock of my life, obviously where I am but where I've come from and where I am heading. As I look back on my high school years, I think that it has been 35 years from when I considered myself a somewhat introvert, socially awkward teenager graduating with the Class of 1983. Quite honestly, I’m probably still consider myself somewhat socially awkward. But it’s now been 35 years, and I’ve at least mastered the art of being so (or at least I hope so). It’s strange to think back to those years and to the person I picture myself being back then. And while in reality I am probably not that much different from who I am now, that part of my life seems so distant and strange. Here’s a picture of what how I perceive myself being in high school. Now I realize that as I share these thought, I am sharing some personal insights. It may turn out that how I saw myself is very different than how others saw me and of course that different classmates may share differing opinions of who and how I was. It makes me thing about the poem of the blind men and the elephant. And I quote Blind Men and the Elephant – A Poem by John Godfrey Saxe Here is John Godfrey Saxe’s (1816-1887) version of Blind Men and the Elephant: It was six men of Indostan, To learning much inclined, Who went to see the Elephant (Though all of them were blind), That each by observation Might satisfy his mind. The First approach'd the Elephant, And happening to fall Against his broad and sturdy side, At once began to bawl: "God bless me! but the Elephant Is very like a wall!" The Second, feeling of the tusk, Cried, -"Ho! what have we here So very round and smooth and sharp? To me 'tis mighty clear, This wonder of an Elephant Is very like a spear!" The Third approach'd the animal, And happening to take The squirming trunk within his hands, Thus boldly up and spake: "I see," -quoth he- "the Elephant Is very like a snake!" The Fourth reached out an eager hand, And felt about the knee: "What most this wondrous beast is like Is mighty plain," -quoth he,- "'Tis clear enough the Elephant Is very like a tree!" The Fifth, who chanced to touch the ear, Said- "E'en the blindest man Can tell what this resembles most; Deny the fact who can, This marvel of an Elephant Is very like a fan!" The Sixth no sooner had begun About the beast to grope, Then, seizing on the swinging tail That fell within his scope, "I see," -quoth he,- "the Elephant Is very like a rope!" And so these men of Indostan Disputed loud and long, Each in his own opinion Exceeding stiff and strong, Though each was partly in the right, And all were in the wrong! So the basic moral of the story, simply stated, it's always a matter of perception based on our own realities and points of view. Beyond that, our own realities are legitimate to us but doesn't make them more significant or real than anyone else's. So back to me............... I was quiet and introvert but able to be a clown when around friends. I didn't consider myself to be very social but had a close tight knit groups of friends. I went to parties and dances but still thought if myself of somewhat of a loner. I didn't consider myself popular in the way some of my closest friends seemed to have the universal appeal of most of our classmates but I was shunned, mistreated or bullied by anyone. I didn't have any major conflicts that I can remember, preferring to defer to others but comfortable in my own skin enough to not let it affect my self confidence. I wasn't confrontational and had maybe 4 fights in high school where I decided to really stand up for myself. I thought of myself as even keeled, calm and level headed. I never got very angry, too upset or overwhelming sad. When something negative happened, I figured out a way to fix it and move on. When something positive happened, I enjoyed the moment, shared it with those around me and looked for the next challenge. I was involved in sports fall, winter and spring, representing the school on various teams but never considering myself a jock since I didn't play football or wear the cool letterman jacket. My primary sport was wrestling and when high school cancelled it's team in my final year, I missed a lot of parties and dances having to travel for competitions. I was in advanced classes for most subjects and enrolled in french immersion. I was on the honor roll for pretty much every term but never considered myself “bookish,” or a brain although I was seen to be among the smarter students of our grade. The brains seemed to feel that I was able to get above average marks while still so involved in sports and not appearing to put in the school work like others did. I can remember my parents complaining that if I could get get marks in the low 80s so low little effort imagine what I could do if I studies more. I was and I guess continue to be blessed with a good memory and the ability to process significant amounts of information and retain / recall as required. As I moved into adulthood and my parents would bring up my academic performance through high school, cegep and university with the ever present,"imagine if you had really applied yourself", I came to realize that maybe that was part of my skill set and my make up. I didn't need to be a high achiever all the time, that I was ok being ok academically doing what I needed to do to get to the level I found acceptable, leaving me the time and energy to do well and focus on the areas of my life that felt deserved attention but also gave added to my life. I remember feeling puzzled, that I was someone who could fit in with different groups but didn't really know where I fill in exactly. I considered myself likeable, easy to get along with but not someone who others sought out to be friends with. When it came to girls, I thought of myself as the guy that girls might see as nice, friendly, someone to ask for help, advice or help getting to close the "the guy". If my life was a movie, I imagined myself always being the friend and never the boyfriend, kind of like Jon Cryer's "Duckie" in the movie Pretty in Pink ( thought I could throw in another 80s movie reference, look it up). I never thought of myself of unhappy, unfulfilled or having an awkward or rough time in high school. Even today, I look back through the eyes of an adult and everything that goes with it and I picture my high school years with positivism. At the time though, I felt like I was missing out on something, that I was meant for more, that I didn't quite fit in and that I was playing the role of who all my friends expected me to be. I imagined that it was easier to play along to others' expectations than assert myself and be who I imagine myself to be. Was it lack of confidence, or was it simply me being able to see the big picture and picking the battles that were worth taking on. I think it was a bit of both, of course answering that question today is helped by the knowledge of who I am now. When I think about the social aspects of high school, I imagine it being like my academic efforts, I did enough to get by, do well without needing to stand out, show I could be smart without needing to feel smarter than others. I faced the same teenage pressures and worries as everyone else but maybe hid my insecurities but joking around and being ok being a supporting case member. If my friendships were the Beatles, I was Ringo, in the back, doing playing my role. of course, I was convinced I was the only person who felt this way. I was the only Class of 1983 graduate who felt awkward, unsure of himself and trying to figure out where I fit in. Because after all, why wasn’t anyone else like me? If everyone else felt scared, they would show it, right ? Now 35 years later, I think back on those feelings and realize that I was probably not the only kid who struggled to figure out who they were during those adolescent years. I’m willing to bet that every other person felt the exact same way I did. We just all showed it differently. The popular kids who always ate lunch together, the jocks that attracted all the accolades, the guys every girl wanted to date, they all probably had their own issues. So, is Breakfast Club or some of the other 80s high school films a good representation of my generation of my era, if how I and my classmates felt? We all felt like we needed to fit into a category à la The Breakfast Club; that we were the outsider looking in from Some Kind of Wonderful; the forgotten girl (or guy) who has a major crush in Sixteen Candles. Those universal feelings are the reason those movies are so relatable. It’s great now being Facebook friends with so many of my high school classmates. In fact, I communicate more with some of them now than I ever did then. Probably because, 35 years later we’re all a little less scared and awkward in life. Or if not, we now at least have screens to mask the insecurity. I can also say that 35 years later, I am convinced that everything I went through in high school played a major part of who I am today. I don't need to be recognized for my efforts but take great pride in standing up for what I truly believe in. I don't have a huge circle of friends but I am a fiercely loyal to the ones I have. I have kept my calm demeanor, I don't get flustered when things get a little ( or a lot crazy), I am able to focus on tasks when others around me might freak up. I don't worry about fitting in, I accept people as they are and expect them to do the same. So to answer the question from the subject line, high school was awkward and it was fun, it was happy and it was sad. I can't say for sure it was the best time of my life but it was certainly up there in terms of being the most influential. This past June marked 35 years since I graduated from high school ( as I joke of course I was only 9 years old when I finished high school ). Thanks to social media, I am able to stay in touch even if only virtually and electronically with a number of former classmates. We get to share the odd greeting, conversation and of course extend birthday wishes when Facebook reminds us that our friend's birthday is today. There is always about high school reunions held at various significant number of years after graduation, ten, twenty or twenty-five. Many movies have been produced with high school reunions as the theme where old friends get together after so many years of not being in touch and of course it's like the friendship never ended... or in some of these movies it's about all the high school drama, conflicts, and insecurities coming back.
So why am I writing about high school friendships and reunions this morning ? Well as I started out saying, this year marks 35 years since I finished high school. Being a nice round number, there was discussion about planning out some sort reunion. With classmates scattered all over North America and beyond, our busy schedules and perhaps, some who simply have no interest in thinking back to our high school years, arranging to get everyone or even a majority of people back together is a huge challenge. Over the years, there have been a few attempts to hold reunions and there have been small groups of classmates who have gotten together and on two occasions, the year of our 20th year since graduation and when our former high school celebrated 50 years of existence, we have had what can be considered a fairly significant reunion. In trying to organize something for this year, various dates were proposed and finally this past Saturday evening, a small group of us got together for dinner. So now, that tells you why I am posting about high school friendships today. At the core of everything, begs the questions, "Why does a 5 year period that occurred during one's teenage years manage to hold significance and importance to so many people ?". Well if I may share some of my insight...... High school can be both a tumultuous and amazing time in one’s life. No matter if it is one or the other or a mix of both, no one can deny that the friendships you make can significantly contribute to that. Of course you can make amazing friends long after you graduate, but the friends you make in high school are unique in that together you grow more into your unique personalities that can shape who you become as adults. Often times, the life lessons we learned and the experiences we endured whether positive or negative during high school remain the reference point for how we might deal with things are we progress through life. The friendships that we shared when going through those life lessons and experiences can have a huge influence on us. That is why that even as the years go on, high school friends are often the friends you’ll share the strongest bond with. You might lose contact with high school friends as the years pass but often times, when you do get the chance to reconnect, that those bonds remain and most interestingly with some of the former classmates that you might not have been close suddenly you realize that you share affinities with that you could never have imagined back in high school. I would wager that anyone who has attended a high reunion has said or heard the words " who knew how much we had in common, if only we have gotten to know each other back then". Whether in the work place, on a sports teams and yes even in high school, we often hear the word "clique" . You know the word used with a certain negativity to describe why certain people hang out together all the while excluding others. Now I can't even begin to imagine what day to day life might be for high school students today but I do now that the notion of cliques has survived the test of time. Every generation of high students has faced the reality of cliques forming in high school. As I have often said to members of teams I coached, "why does everyone thing of cliques as a bad thing?" . Think about it, have you ever looked up the definition of a clique? Google it, and you will come up with something ( or some slight variation ) that reads as follows ; "a small group of people, with shared interests or other features in common, who spend time together and do not readily allow others to join them." Now, the notion of " do not readily allow others to join them " does conjure up the idea of exclusion but isn't that normal in a sense. People with shared interests will tend to gravitate to each other and those who don't share those same interests won't, or will eventually drift away to seek others with whom they share an affinity. If I look back to my high school years, we had cliques or some form of sub-groups within our high school population. The obvious ones were by grade, or seniors vs juniors. How often did we experience having a sibling with whom we might be close but somehow, once in the hallways of high school, the simple fact that they were in a different grade somehow made it taboo to acknowledge their existence. Of course this was more often than not the older sibling ignoring the younger one(s) while the younger ones wanted to show their peers how they had " the in" with the older students. Then of course, there were always and will always be the sub-groups within the same grade years, the cool kids, the nerds, the brains, the jocks, the stoners, the social elite , the outcasts or the loners. Some embraced the group they might be part of and some did everything they could not to be associated with a certain group and get themselves into one they wanted to identify with. There are two ironies about this whole high school clique thing. The first one being that even within a specific group, they were variations, you know, athletic but not jock enough to be a jock, smart but not smart enough to be a brain, cool but not quite cool enough to be among the social elite. If I am honest that is how I saw myself. I had qualities that allowed me to fit in with different groups but not quite enough of any one them to really fit in. What's funny is that worry that I had as a teenager ( and I am sure many others did also) is actually a benefit as a an adult, the ability to adapt to the environment and fit in with a wide range of people. The second irony is that ask peers how they perceived each other and the opinions of the same individual with differ depending on which of the clique the person being asked belongs to. Ask these same questions of each other 35 years after graduation and opinions change. Again, using myself as example, I consider myself smart, I was an honor student but on the lower end of the scale. Ask those above me how they might remember me and they might say I was someone always involved in sports. As the jocks and they might say I was athletic but was part of the brains. Again, many of things we applied important to as teenagers in high school will probably seem irrelevant today as we are middle aged people but all of them put together played a huge role in our development. So are high school friendships important ? And if they are, why are they important ? No one knows those early morning, straight out of bed looks more than your close friends. They’ve seen you come to school on those Mondays when you are already ready for the day to be over, but they’ve also seen you at your best for all of those nights out and school events. The five years of high school are a significant time period in anyone’s life, full of change and new experiences. This is where many of us develop our personalities and discover new interests. The friends one makes within those years can influence this and help shape the person you are today. The experiences we had with our friends also contributes to our betterment as people. Even with the bad decisions that we made, our friends from high school were right by our side to make those choices with us and share in the experience. We made them together, learned from them together, and then hopefully can look back to laugh on them together. Towards the end of high school, a great amount of change is brought on. As we moved onto cegep, university and into the next stages of life, it was easy to lose touch and for those friendships to be left in the past. You might not know when you’ll see your old group again, but I like to think that when we get to reconnect again, we will only remember our high school years positively. What happens after high school is that life can get incredibly better if you chose to make it so. You'll be a lot freer to make the choices that matter to you, to discover, and to meet the people that feel right to you. For me, after high school and cegep, I lost touch with most of my high school friends. It wasn't be conscious choice or because I wanted to seek out new friendships, it was simply the path that life led me on. It started when soon after graduation, I left for the majority of the summer and lost touch with many of my friends. As friends took different paths for cegep, the group got smaller and some of the common interests we used to share were no longer common. I took some time off of school and worked, I started university a little later than most of my high school classmates, worked, was involved in activities where most of my friends were not, met my future wife and life started. I simply lost touch with them and made new friends. As time passed, reconnecting got harder and everyone simply went on about their lives. I would occasionally ran into a former high school friend who might tell me about other friends they remained in touch with, or a wedding or party they might have attended where many of our friends were also there. The years passed and the new friends became the norm and the high school years became a collection of nice memories. As I mentioned, we had the chance to share to reunions and like I imagine often happens, people reconnect , reminisce and pledge to stay in touch ( and let’s be honest that is so much easier today with technology. It usually lasts a while but then like many things our day to day lives take hold and we return to our usual routine. We may once again lose touch but rekindle the ideas of getting together as the talk of reunions starts again. However, when I have ran into former high school classmates ( I won't say friends because to be honest, it goes beyond friends), for me, all the years go away and there is a connection that remains regardless of the level of commonality of friendship we might have shared in high school. We have all gone through our share of embarrassing, yet hilarious situations in high school, whether that was getting drunk before a school dance and having to sleep it off in the car ( of course this is fiction lol ) or forgetting gym clothes and having to wear the disgusting extra-large t-shirt from the teacher’s office. Regardless of what they were, they might have made us want to crawl into a hole and never come out when it happened. Yet, somehow, we survived through it. How? Because friends stood by you through it all. No matter how many stupid mistakes you continued to make, they were there. Sure, they might have laughed from time to time or even endlessly teased you about it, but if somebody else outside of your the clique messed with you, more often than not, someone had your back. Don’t even get me started on awkward phases the pretty much every teenage goes through: growth spurts, acne, changing voice, the start of facial hair that looks pretty bad on everyone except the select few that can make it work for them. Trying to follow fashion trends while maybe having to wear what was practical. Thank God we didn't have Facebook, Instagram, twitter or any other demonic app that might capture our awkward moments and have them shared online for everyone to see instantly. However through it all, most of us had those people who saw us at your worst and most humiliating moments, yet still stood by us. New friends are great, but they didn't know us during our "glory high school days", like maybe having to put on a plastic garbage bad and 3 layers of close and run laps around the mezzanine over the gym trying to lose 5 pounds before the wrestling weigh in, or a teacher who decided a group of you were great at making comments from the back of the class and named you the Peanut Gallery . Now that is funny, a badge of honor right? Sure, until the 5 others decide you're pigpen and the name sticks on the yearbook graduation blurb. Why couldn't I be Snoopy, that dog is cool ! Or maybe it is trying to take center stage during a high school dance but falling flat on your ass. Those memories, although extremely embarrassing, adds character to who we become as adults. Having people to remind you of your silliness and uniqueness is great because it brings you back to a simpler time when most of life was all ahead of you and everything was possible. High school differs any other social interaction other then perhaps marriage in the sense that in high school, you saw the same people for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week Even if you weren't friends, or shared the same classes. there was no way to avoid anyone, especially if you went to a small school. Your group of friends essentially became the only people that you could tolerate at your school, so you spent practically every waking moment with them. You ate together, gossiped together, laughed together, cried together, and skipped class together (shah, don’t act like you haven’t done that before). Every day, it seemed like new inside jokes are created, new memories were made, and you all just sat around wondering why you don't have your own sitcom TV show. Let’s admit it, everyone went a little crazy at some point during their high school career. Of course, there was all the drama concerning crushes. It's likely that everyone has liked at least one other person in their friend group at some point, meaning it either created funny stories to share, or a weird, awkward tension between everyone. Either way, it's safe to say high school was a roller coaster that continued to throw huge curve-balls at everyone. Of course, there were moments when you just couldn't stand some of your friends, but those moments were true tests of friendship. If you got past them, they made you realize just how meaningful and awesome it was that you had found each other. There were some friendships that definitely withered as a result of these arguments and drama and in some cases endured well through 35 years of post-graduation life. As we get older, reunions are a time to talk about funny stories, shared experiences, failed romances and for the most part positive experiences. I doubt people go to reunions with the intent to resolve high school conflicts. For those not wanting to remember high school and to be honest I can understand who some might feel that way, they simply won't attend reunions. The times I have gone to reunions, I don't think as classmates as friend or not friend but rather as classmates with whom I shared my teenage years. Regardless of who we were, it is now about who we are and how maybe the person in front of you had some small part in the story that is your life. It's never too late to reconnect with people and there no rule that says you have to wait until some significant landmark date to hold a reunion. I have some friends ( of the non-high school variety) who have standing arrangement to try and get together every 6 months with high school classmates. A type of of standing invitation, those who can make it, great, those who can't maybe next time. Sometimes they are a large group, sometimes they might be a handful. However from what they tell me, it's always fun, always positive and has made their connection started in high school stronger. If you are a former classmate of mine from St Thomas and made it this far, doesn't that sound like something we might enjoy? just saying............... Close your eyes for a moment and picture just about any youth sport. Now shift your gaze to the sidelines and scan for the coach. More often than that, I bet most people will a man. Am I right?
Don’t blame people's imagination for being sexist, because statistically speaking, men are far more likely to be on the sidelines. Truth is that for the most part, in organized youth sports, men make up about 75% of all coaches. Which is a shame in my humble opinion because women represent a great untapped resource in youth sports. Indeed, while it’s true most youth coaches are men, it turns out that in many ways (sorry fellow men), after having spent 27 years in organized sport as a coach, while has included watching countless games, I truly believe that in many ways, women make better coaches. I think it is true of youth soccer, the sport I know very well, but I can imagine it being true in a range of sports. In this post I will share why women make great coaches as well as some of the impediments (real and imagined) that are standing in the way of more women joining the coaching ranks. First some facts, despite the explosion is growth for girls organized sport and it wider mainstream visibility, the number of women participating as coaches remains stubbornly small and, in some cases, shrinking.Overall, as I said above, if we look across all sports, women make up about 25% of the coaching ranks but let's be honest, if you look as some typically male dominated sports like baseball, football and hockey for example, I am sure the number is much lower. Why are women, who are so intimately involved in just about every other aspect of their children’s lives, such rarities in youth coaching ranks? Since organized sport for women was far less commonplace (and often deemed less important) even a generation ago, many women feel ill-prepared to coach a sport, particularly one they may not have played. Ironically just as an aside, however prior to the growth of girls or women's sport, there tended to be a higher percentage of women coaching girls ( or woman). However as female sport has become better structured, more widely accepted and with better salary potential, more men see it as a possible career option. But that could be another entire post on its own ( well actually I have written few about them, you can look back at those via these links. opening-doors-for-women-in-coaching.html more-women-in-coaching-revisited.html why-cant-women-coach-mens-sports.html Anyways, back to today's topic...... so as I was saying when feel less prepared to coach certain sports. Is it a confidence thing, or is because they have been made to feel less prepared... chicken, or the egg? So why are females less willing to take the leap and get into coaching ? Some of this is attributed to the ‘confidence gap,’ a well-known habit of men to feel more self-confidence – deserved or not – than women. On many men's teams, especially at the higher competitive levels, the truth is that often times the weakest player on any roster often feels just as confident as the team’s best player. That if they are not playing it is simply due to a set of circumstances out of their control. As someone who has only coached women throughout my career, I can stay with confidence that for women, it’s not like that. But the truth for youth coaches – particularly with kids under the age of 9 or 10 – is that mastering the complexities of a sport is far less important than understanding how to be a good teammate, learning a sport’s fundamentals, working well with others, sportsmanship, etc. Coaching goals for that age group should always been to focus on the basics, ensure the kids are actually developing a love for the sport, and put each player in a position where they can excel. It’s always about supporting and nurturing each other. As the saying goes, a team is only as strong as its weakest link. The confidence will come. From my time as coaching course instructor, I often dealt with male coaches starting out whose primary focus was building winning dynasties who would dominated the U8 league. Female coaches often came with questions about how to interact with the players, have to ensure they learned to love the sport etc. This is not stereotyping on my part but pulled some my actual experience. In terms of learning (and teaching) those fundamentals? Many youth organizations (not to mention the Internet) offer a variety of support services and training materials for new coaches. And there are plenty of coaches – male and female – who are glad to help out newcomers. Women can want to win as badly as any male coach. but their priorities often are to ensure the kids are enjoying themselves, are learning the basics, and feel they are contributing to the team. And because women usually are more patient and lower-key than their male counterparts, their players are apt to feel more confident and less fearful of making mistakes. One thing that I truly believe about female coaches at the youth levels, women are naturally more inclusive in their decision making they’re more likely to be bring a humble, open-mindedness to learning from others, ultimately making them better coaches. The decisions are based less on ego and how the team's success will reflect on them and more about making sure everyone has a great experience. For youth sports, less is in my humble opinion, crucial. Coaching can be intense, especially with parents barking from the sidelines, league rules, club rules, rules of the sport, overzealous competing coaches, and a gaggle of kids looking to you for guidance in the heat of competition. But the truth about youth sports is that everyone is a bit anxious or intimidated when they first get started – even those big, barking men who, you know, have big-barking-men reputations to uphold. Most women coaches happily discover that their young charges do quite well on the field or in the gym precisely because they are coached in values like teamwork, sportsmanship, and having fun. I think that a very important factor about coaching youth sport, is being organized and consistent ( ok that might be two things). Coaching needs to be planned out, structured and well explained. Sorry once again guys but overall, I think women have us beat on this one. Unfortunately, sexism and stereotyping do still exist. My wife, a very accomplished player in her own right, got into coaching at the very elite club level. She spent one season as an assistant coach to one of the pioneers when it came to building girls teams ( a male it should be said) and then took over the team the next year. She had a very successful year, winning provincials and coming home from nationals with a silver medal ( exactly the same results as the team the year before) However I vividly remember many times a competing coach coming over to her male team manager to shake hands after a win. I remember the club's technical director calling our house after every game to ask how the game went or give feedback about what he has seen at a game if he had attended. My wife once asked him if he did this for all the club coaches and his answer was quite shocking " coaching comes much more naturally to men so I don't need to follow up with them". However, none of the other teams, all coached by males, come close to my wife's team in terms of results... Just saying ! So prevalent is this attitude and so often do coaches, game officials, and parents presume virtually any nearby male is coach. I was coaching the U15 and U17 provincial teams at that time and because I attended games ( some of my wife's players were in the provincial program), my wife was often told it was great to have my help with her coaching... but I never got involved. The good news is that such stereotypes are starting to crumble, particularly as women coaches demonstrate just how good they can be. And while there no doubt are some Neanderthals out there who still believe women don’t belong on the sidelines, most parents in youth sports are open to women coaches. Indeed, many youth clubs are desperate for volunteers and are happy to accept anyone willing to coach, including rookie women coaches. Leagues often offer coaches’ clinics and other forms of training, and the Internet offers a treasure trove of videos and coaching resources. With so many women not involved in coaching, as I said, it's an untapped market for resources. One important thing about women in coaching to keep in mind, women who coach are teaching all kids – boys and girls – to accept women in leadership roles, helping to reverse and eradicate those outdated stereotypes. It’s difficult to think of a life lesson more important for young minds. Some women worry that players (and their parents) won’t respect them in the role of coach the same way they would a man. But the reality is that most kids are accustomed to seeing all adults as authority figures, not just me. Meaning that a woman who steps onto the field or court with a clipboard, a whistle, and a will to coach will quickly earn the respect of her players. Kids are very perceptive, if they see a coach in front of them who cares about the team, who is committed to helping them improve and enjoy, they will respond. And that’s a big pointer: at the end of the day, kids want to have fun (we call them ‘games’ for a reason). As for disrespectful parents? My advice is to treat them the way any coach would: “tell them to butt out and let you do your job. Good news is that clubs and leagues also have rules for dealing with problem parents. An ideal world would be where the parents stay out of it and just celebrate their kids for what they are doing rather than their mistakes or what the parents perceive as mistakes. One of the best things about coaching is watching kids develop and discover their strengths – parents should celebrate that instead of always demanding more. For millions of boys and girls, coaches often play an enormously important role in their lives. Meaning that women coaches have a chance to play an important role in our culture that ripples far beyond a playing field or gym floor. By the age of 14, for example, girls begin abandoning sports at twice the rate of boys. And given all the risks we now know about kids who don’t play sports, many experts wonder whether that is in part because they see so few women in coaching roles. Many studies show found that women managers (and, by extension, coaches) bring a more participative, androgynous, and transformational leadership style. Men, by contrast, will often adopt a top-down, command and control style. The result: girls coached by men are less likely to become coaches, thereby creating a cycle of male-only coaching. But girls aren’t the only ones adversely affected by male-only coaches. I think women coaches are equally important for boys. Without women coaches, boys are denied the ability to see women operate in leadership roles that males most respect, that is to say in sports related activities. This has deep implications for our society as boys grow into adulthood, work with, and decide whether to empower women. If being a positive female role model for girls and boys alike isn’t enough to get women off the fence and into coaching, what might? How about the fact it’s fun? I fell into coaching by a set of circumstances but as I developed and my coaching career progressed, I came to realize that there are so many rewards. I got into coaching because of my future wife, but eventually I came to enjoy coaching and all the experiences it brought me. Like sharing my passion for the sport and watching the athletes grow and develop as human beings. That kind of experience isn't gender dependent. Girls and yes even boys need strong female role models. Youth sports is one area of society where this can and should very easily happen and we owe it to female to open doors so they have the chance to become coaches. From experience who stop, don't because of the coaching itself but because of all the barriers male dominated society throws at them. Besides, sincerely, I am secure enough in my own skin to accept that women will make much better youth coaches than I might. Oh crap, the game is going to penalties ! Well it's ok. We have quality shot takers so it won't get to me will it? I don't usually get asked to be in the 1st 5 shooters so no way, I will be asked to take a penalty. But just in case ..................... maybe I should plan my shot.
Oh crap again ! It's come down to me to take a shot! Thoughts run through my mind as I approach the referee to get the ball and set up for my shot. “Why does it have to come to this?” I moaned to myself. Time slows down as I slowly walk forward. I close my eyes I can almost reply the entire game in my mind in those brief seconds as I start to think about what lies ahead. “Why couldn’t we have settled the match in normal time? Couldn’t the designated penalty takers sort it out between themselves and leave the rest of us cowards to celebrate the victory, or suffer the pains of losing? Why the f*** do we have to put ourselves through this pressure?” Ninety minutes of pulsating action, drama and emotion has left me drained of physical and mental energy. The game got physical and even ugly at time leaving both teams down to ten men, with several other players sitting on yellow cards, and yet the result still couldn't get settled. So off to extra time we went. Another thirty minutes of soccer to decide a winner. If neither team could break down the other’s defense during the initial ninety minutes, then it was not surprising that the extra time period also finished in a stalemate. Therefore, after the referee had blown to conclude the two hours of conflict, and although the overall result of the game was still in the balance, a sense of relief came over me. I had played my part in getting us so far, now it was up to the delegated penalty takers to finish off the job. How I envy the calm assurance in which our strikers embrace the responsibility to slot the ball past the hapless keeper from the penalty spot. How can anyone miss from such a close spot? They relish the task of embellishing their personal goal scoring account and with no opposition defenders to intervene; they regard it as a gift! Our two top goal scorers squabble as to who should go first, while the rest of us hold back, trying to avoid the coaches' eyes, as he looks for willing candidates to make up the compulsory first five penalty takers. Injuries and substitutions had played havoc with our pre-match planning so a few of the likely candidates aren't available but regardless I still I won’t figure in the initial 5 players selected for the shootout, but there was always the faint possibility that I could be called upon if the scores were still deadlocked…. Everything starts well for us, we convert our first two kicks; our opponents squandering theirs, however, as the central characters from both parties involved in this utter madness, either scored, or missed, a nauseating feeling had begun to creep into the pit of my stomach. Maybe, after all, I wasn’t going to get away with the role of a passive onlooker in this drama. As the shootout progresses, those uneasy fears intensified; the first five designated penalty takers had ended in another deadlock, each team finishing up with three scores and two misses. As a result of this impasse a sudden death shoot-out, which included the rest of us sufferers, would transpire. A suffocating gulp envelops me, bringing with it that light sickly feeling that you get when you anticipate some dreadful outcome; surely I wasn’t going to have to play center stage was I ? Even in sudden death the drama continues to unfold, as players from both teams either bury the ball into the net, or else miscued their shot, leaving the keeper to save, or the ball to go high or wide. One by one teammates and opponents alike are eliminated, lamentably leaving the scores level, as it became my bid to face my biggest fear. As the opponent preceding me had sets off on his fearful walk from the half-way line to the penalty spot, his teammates call out words of reassurance and encouragement to help settle his nerves. I notice the scared look on his face, giving clues to his inner torment, which synchronizes with my own emotional inner state. Man can I relate ! As fate decreed, he hit his shot wide of the post. I watch him lay on the ground, the sheer anguish of his mistake overcoming him; suddenly what has been lurking in the alcoves of my mind comes flooding to reality. I have to take a damn penalty shoot ! Ok, breath, the moment has come, forget what happened and focus on what is I have to do. Should I put it to his right or his left or just hammer it down the middle, hoping that he will dive one way or the other? I stare directly into their keepers eyes looking for some clue as to what was going on in his brain, he holds my gaze, glowering back at me, searching for some indication from my body language as to where I might be planning to shoot. Suddenly the undeniable truth hits me. If I score, we win the championship. Our team's first in the history of the league. All those years of history, failures, disappointments and close calls can all be erased by one simply kick of the ball. With my teammates’ best wishes ringing in my ears, I take the last few steps toward the penalty spot. It was so easy to watch from the center line, the point of refuge from where I had cheered along with my teammates each spot kick that our team had converted and applauded each shot our opponents had missed. I can imagine these last few steps being like a man condemned to execution approaching the firing squad. The eyes of teammates and opponents alike, everyone in the stands and who knows how many watching the live stream of the game all focused on me. Hours of preparation and training, a full season of games, playoffs, two hours of today's final game, all the shooters that went before me and it all comes down to one simple issue. Whether or not, from a spot 12 yards out from the goal, I can put the ball between the two posts and under the crossbar. Of course, there is the small detail of that very determined, athletic, well trained, 6ft 3inch goalkeeper who can probably sense my fear and wants to be the hero himself. I'm the king of penalty shots in training. Left foot , right foot, top or bottom corner, either side, I can almost call my shots in advance and score at will. However in games, I am a coward, there is a reason why even with me training field success the coach doesn't count on me when it counts. The referee drops the ball beside the penalty spot, then rolls his eyes, as I slowly go through the ritual of placing it myself. Both my hands are shaking uncontrollably as I roll the ball around in my hands trying to find the perfect image I can use as my target for striking the ball. I can't delay any longer, it is time. I carefully place the ball on the spot and make sure there are no divots around the ball or where I plan to place my pivot foot. Looking up from the penalty spot, my mind has created the illusion that the goalkeeper has suddenly expanded to twice his actual size, and the goal has shrunk to the equivalent degree, thus making my choice of where to aim the ball more problematic than ever. So here we are confronting each other, the keeper’s slight smile disclosing that he has detected my stress, why shouldn’t he smile? If he saves my shot he gives his team another chance for the win, if he doesn't who will blame him, the averages are on the side of the shooter for most. The pressure hangs like a 50 lb backpack my shoulders. If I score, it is expected of me, if I miss, I will be remembered as the guy who chocked when he could have made history. As the referee’s whistle pierces the quiet atmosphere, my mind disappears into a trance like state, everything goes into a haze except the ball, the net and the goalie. I take a few strides backwards before slowly moving forward towards the ball like I've done hundreds of times in practice. I feel my foot hit cleanly through the middle of the ball, exactly at the point of impact I chose, my ears picking up the dull thud as my leg follows through. Everything slows down to the slowest of all possible slow motions, the keeper guesses wrong and dives to the left. The ball drifts directly towards the center of his goal taking an upward flight heading on a collision path with the pristine white, crossbar…. Only the few participants in close proximity hear the thump as the ball cannons off the underside of the crossbar to bounce discreetly over the goal line, before gently nestling in the back of the net. The quiet that existed moments before my shot is shattered as teammates and supporters erupt into a deafening scream of joy, whilst the opponent’s area hushes into anguished misery, their dreams of glory gone. I stand with my arms raised above my head in triumph soaking in the accolades cascading down from the bleachers before being unceremoniously wrestled to the ground by my teammates swarming all over me, smothering me with their sweaty bodies. As we enjoy the moment, making history of our first championship, all the physical and mental anguish of the preceding two hours become a faint memory, dissolved in the surges of adrenaline pumping through my body. “Nerves of steel,” I hear my coach say in whispered tones as I brush past him on the way to collect my medal. “Yeah; no problem coach. There was never any doubt in my mind" Depending on the individual, coaching will fall into one of 3 categories, jobs, hobby or passion. If you are involved in coaching and you are really lucky, it will be a combination of at least two of the three. In my case, it was sort of all three, soccer is my passion, coaching was a hobby that turned into a part time job especially for the last 16 years.
People who know me, will confirm that it is one of the few topics I can talk about without ever growing uninterested (sorry to those of you who have drifted off during one of these rants). Apparently my eyes light up, my voice changes and I seem to to take on another persona with excitement as I talk about my love of coaching. Hell, I found a way to create a website and blog so I could write about my love of soccer and coaching. Personality wise, I pretty even keeled, at least I think I am. I don't get to demonstrative or excited about many things, at least not outwardly, however that doesn't mean that I am any less passionate than those coaches you might see running up and down the sideline, constantly barking out directions and showing a body language and movements that mirror their athlete's. All those years I got to coach, when I arrived at practices or games, no matter how my day might have done, I was all smiles. OK, some call demeanor aside, there were times when I might yell, ok, raise my voice a bit, question an officials care, or even get react physically to something positive or negative. I get into the game to keep my players motivated and on point. I loved what I did, and I’ve been told many times that the passion I had for the game and coaching could be seen as soon as I was around the team or talked about the most recent game. I often got the comment from people that my coaching persona was so different from the personality I would give off at work. Work was work, but coaching was the passion ! Anytime a person asks me about my favorite thing to do, coaching is always the first thing that comes to my mind. To me, it was a job or an experience, but a way of life that balanced out all the other aspects of my day to day life and my work career. Coaching has had nothing but a positive impact on my life. It helped me develop my managerial style, helped me find my voice to share certain beliefs I hold dear, and for me people around me came to define who I was. It was the starting point of many discussions. I would introduced to people as "Jorge Sanchez, did you know he coaches soccer". I was in the minority of coaches who got compensation for coaching soccer but it was never about a paycheck or “glorified babysitting.” It’s was also more than just being the coach of a sport or leader to the players. Coaching became about being that a person who might have the ability to make a positive difference in a person's life or at least I tried to be since as well all know even with the best of intentions, we can never please or help everyone. I felt strongly that coaches do not, and should not, coach for themselves, but rather, for others; they should strive to show their players how to love the game. Last fall, in what would ultimately turn out to be my final season of coaching, one of the student newspapers ran an article about my time at Concordia. If you are interested, you can access the article via this link theconcordian.com/2017/10/jorge-sanchez-has-put-his-players-first-since-2002/ I think it sums up the philosophy than came to define how I viewed my role in coaching. Like teaching, you have to get to know your players for who they are as people – their likes and dislikes, their goals and passions and their love for the game. Taking the time to get to know the players was my attempt to be able to better plan how to provide them with the best possible experience during their time as player under my responsibility. I am sure some didn't find me that great, or might feel that I didn't give them a good experience, and it is possible. As with a manager who isn't universally liked by his or her employees, coaching and any type of leadership comes with the reality that your appear will never be unanimous or enduring. The higher the level of competition, that tougher the decisions you have to make, the more the risk of upsetting athletes. The best part of coaching is not actually the act of coaching, but witnessing a team’s or player's growth, both in their play and in personality. The reward in coaching came from seeing athletes that I had worked with develop into adults that went on to contribute to society and give back. In many cases the best positive feedback was having former athletes reach out years after their playing days were done and sharing about how something I had told them or something I have done, had helped them years later in ways that had nothing to do with the sport. Of course the flip side is that you also learn years later that some athletes have frustrations, complaints etc about my coaching. It shouldn't affect the passion you might have for coaching but rather serve as a motivator to always strive to learn and do better. Coaching is so much more than blowing a whistle (there’s no need for one) or telling your players to get on the line because it’s time to run. Coaching is understanding the people you work with and encouraging them to be the best they can be, both on and off the court. It’s about transferring the love of the game to your players while giving them support and knowledge they can carry them throughout their life beyond the game. Anyone can coach, but it takes a special person to be a coach. For anyone who might be reading this and who is coaching, if the thoughts I have shared don't resonate, don't reflect how you might feel about coaching, then perhaps you shouldn't be coaching. I don't hold the single truth about how to coach, of what kind of coaching anyone should be, but if coaching isn't a passion, if you are not excited to be on the field , court, gym, or whatever playing surface your sport of choice uses, each and every time you get to be there, then coaching might not be for you. As a coach, if you are just going through the motions or doing a half-assed job in the role, you can do harm. By harm, I don't mean lose games, I mean have athletes lose interest in a sport and at the younger levels, form individuals who may develop negative type behaviors. Coaches have significant influence over their athletes. They are role models, they are leaders and they can became an important part of someone's growth as a person. As a coach, you need to realize the impact you can have on lives, embrace it and approach your athletes with commitment and dedication. Trust me, when you give of yourself, it is rewarding in ways that you might only appreciate once you are no longer coaching. Coaching. It's a word that can mean quite a few different things to different people. It can be a hobby, a passion or a job. For the very lucky, it can be a combination of of two of those three.
it is rare today to find a coach who’s really loves coaching. Yes, I know, there are coaches who SAY they love coaching, but in reality rare is the coach who truly loves every aspect of coaching. I spent 27 years in coaching, if I didn't love it on some level, I would think I would have given up at some point. I wrote two prior posts on the frustrations we sometimes experience as coaches. You can read them via these links i-give-up-i-quit-ok-so-see-you-all-tomorrow.html i-give-up-i-quit-ok-so-see-you-all-tomorrow-part-2.html But back to today's subject. Many coaches will tell they love truly love coaching, but often most coaches love the fun ( maybe non administrative parts) of coaching. You know, like the winning, or teaching, or fine-tuning a technique. Those are chunks of coaching. But it’s rare to find a person who loves it ALL. Yet, there are THOSE coaches. They are easy to recognize. They’re smiling, enjoying themselves, and are happy regardless how things are playing out on the competitive field. Okay, they might be focused, showing a frown, or using an emphatic manner to get a point across, but inside they’re loving it, EVERY moment. And other coaches just want to smash them right in the face. Why? Jealousy perhaps. The “in-love” coach has found something those other coaches just can’t get their hands on. And they want it. So how do YOU find the pure love of coach, if you don’t already have it? Far be it for me to go into deep philosophical discussion about love. I can’t and you’d be gone in a second, but I will tell you this, if you are going to love coaching in it’s entirety, you have to WORK at it. It’s worth it and can take your coaching to a new level — but it is not easy to do. With that in mind let’s focus on three areas that are known love-killers for coaches. Practices Practice is where you spend the most amount of time. In my sport of soccer, I probably spent around 20 hours of practice and preparation time for every game. That puts the ratio around 13 minutes of practice to 1 minute of competition time. I learned long ago if I didn’t love practice coaching wasn’t going to be the right place for me. So how did I find ways to love my practices? First, there has to be control so I feel that I can teach — teaching is the part I love most about coaching. Second, I try to surround myself with athletes and coaches who truly want to be there — who are motivated. Third, I let the little stuff stay small, and focus on the big stuff. Failures So often in coaching what we think WILL happen, or what we believe SHOULD happen, doesn’t. A big part of coaching is preparing for when outcomes aren't as expected. The most important thing to retain about coaching is that in the end there is one winner, of the game, of the league, of the championship. So using soccer, at best, 50% of all team lose games ( ok there are ties but that is just disappointing for both teams), at worst, every team but 1 DOESN'T win the championship. Loving and embracing failure isn’t easy, but it’s critical to loving your coaching. How do you do that? Try:
Building on small victories Big victories are great. Yup, and so is winning the lotto. But neither of those happen as often as the small victories. Small victories get ignored or taken for granted. Too bad, since small victories just might be the only victories a coach has in a season. What would be a small victory? A “C” student getting a “B+” on exam. An athlete grasping a technical aspect that has eluded her. A great demonstration of sportsmanship by your competition. Celebrating those will help you find the love in your coaching. If you are going to coach only for year, forget everything I’ve said. Thinking of staying in coaching longer? Then find the love, and the more you find the longer your coaching tenure will be and the more you will enjoy it. Ok, so you decide that you agree with those points. They make sense to you, then what can you do next? Grab paper and write down the parts of coaching you hate. Maybe hate is too strong a word (maybe not). Regardless, what do you struggle with? Recruiting? Fundraising? Budgeting? Write it down. Now, pick one, and devise a plan to either:
For my personally, I have look back and say " I loved every aspect of coaching" . I don't have to qualify the statement because I am not actually coaching anymore. It was never my full time job, but my hobby and my passion ( and for a significant part of the time I was compensated for it). However, being honest, with every team, every different level, with different athletes, like with anything else in life, there were parts I really liked and parts I really disliked ( but doesn't mean I didn't do them or apply myself as best as possible to get them done). Throughout most of my coaching career, I was often told how well organized I was for all the administrative tasks. How well I planned things out. Great. loved the feedback, but let me share a secret, I hated the admin tasks. I might have been good at it, but that is because those tasks closely resembled my full time work. Admin tasks where not my passion, I wasn't good at them because I loved them, I was applied myself to do them because 1) they were a necessary evil of my coaching duties 2) if things were well planned out and organized, more often than not, it allowed me to focus more time and energy to the "fun" parts of the coaching. So if you want to really get involved in coaching, be one of those that truly loves coaching, embrace everything about it, give off that aura that makes other coaches jealous and want to punch you in the face. |
AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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