author's note, while there may be some personal experience of truth to the blog post that follows, it is best enjoyed if taken with a grain of salt and meant as entertaining and not as a cry for help or personal confession. lol
Friends...where would be without friends? Who would we be without friends? Friends are like our brothers or sisters. You can tell them anything you desire or crave? You can tell them your deepest, most darkest secrets, that even your parents do not know about. Friends will always be there for you when you are in distraught, need assistance to deal with tough situations or want to share great news. Having friends, being a friend, it's great. We all want friends. But despite all of these things, there might actually been a situation where being called a friend, where always being seen you as a friend, just isn't that great. Kids today call it being in the "friend's zone". Books talk about, movies fictionalize it but yes, as much as friendship is amazing, there is that one situation when being a friend is actually a negative. You know, when realize that you really like someone and generally it happens when you have a history with someone built up over time. They do not recognize the laughs that you share, the understanding of how you feel about a certain situation, nor the influence they have on you as a person. They are willing to bypass and suppress all of those emotions and heartfelt interactions, with a simple statement. "I could never date you, you are too good a friend!" Seriously ? Now where does me being too good of a friend, fizzle over to me not being a good boyfriend? So I have proven I am loyal, trustworthy, great with advice, can make them laugh when times are tough and simply listen when they need to vent.. .and yet all these qualities somehow make me unqualified to be boyfriend material? Now, for some context, I have been with my wife for 33 years, so the situation described above isn't something that I have encountered in years. Truth be told, I didn't date much before meeting my wife bit I didn't have the normal amount of crushes etc. However, it can describe the perception that I had about myself especially in high school. I had already written in the past about high school and my high school years. You can access those posts via these links. are-high-school-friendships-important.html letter-to-my-high-school-self.html to-high-school-friends-lost-and-found.html high-school-cliques-why-and-how-and-back-to-the-80s.html was-high-school-awkward-or-the-best-time-of-our-lives.html apparently-i-might-just-be-a-low-key-nerd-or-some-i-am-told.html And for today's topic, my recollection of my romantic endeavors during high school was that I was far from being the object of attention from the girls, not the best looking, not the most charming, not the funniest but certainly, far from being the extreme of any of those traits. If my high school years were a movie, I probably spent a lot of time in the friend zone with girls I liked or wanted to know better. I got along with most people, male and female, I don't think I was labelled within any specific group of guys, nor was I really rejected by any specific group of girls, I simply couldn't seem to go from being someone that girls might see as more than someone that was funny and fun to hang out with. No, this also might be my perception. Perhaps, I never really put myself out there due to the fear of being rejected... and then took it as being rejected. I could provide some examples but in case some of my high school friends ever read this... maybe I won't However, why for the most part I wasn't the type to worry about what wasn't, there were times I questioned why finding a high school girlfriend was so hard. Dis I not have the physical prowess of what girls looked for in a man? Was it because they didn't think I could be romantic and fun on a date. Was it because I was seen as someone who didn't quite have any overly dominate as a trait, smart but not among the very smartest, funny but not the most funny, not ugly but let's be honest, no one that made girls say WOW, did those fuel the perception that somehow I was soft? Is it because I was a safe guy to have some really discussions with but not the guy who might add spark to their lives. Or is it because they did not think I could provide you security and stability when times might get rough for them? Bring a loyal and trustworthy friend and feeling somewhat universally appreciated should have been enough perhaps and as I got older, I probably appreciated it more and understood the nuance, especially given that in the end fate was simply buying time until I met who I was supposed to be with. However, at the time, it was like I was not worthy to being considered as someone to go steady with. I wasn't a loner and I had many female friends and a few that I might be considered a confident for. With some of them, I might have been the friend they turned to when a guy broke their heart and was willing to help pick up the pieces. I was the shoulder to cry on and be the one to tell them that things are going to be ok and that he is an idiot. Maybe I saw things coming and tried to tell them that they were the idiot for dating him. Maybe I told them, but they did not listen. Then after a while, eventually the heartbreak and disappointment passes and they would get back on their feet. They might have chosen to go through some time without dating, hanging out with friends, like me. having fun, joking around, trashing their ex. The friendships might change once again, I was just the friend, no longer the needed confident. The momentary "rapprochment" would go and any chance I had of maybe being noticed as more than a potential loyal friend would disappear. So some might say that why did I not speak out, why be happy and accepting of just being a friend. Was I basically giving my agreement to the notion that I was ok being just a friend? Was a settling, basically thinking that being a friend even if wanted more was better than having no contact at all? Was it easier to think that the girls had put me in the friend zone because of how they felt rather than facing my own issues, shyness, and being afraid to say how I felt. I once had a friend that told me, relationships with women were like interviews: there is no point in keeping contact if all the discussion goes no where. Now I think that saying something like that is harsh, selfish and stubborn. However, truth be told, accepting that it was ok to stay in the friend zone and not speak up might be me protecting my heart. Protecting my heart from the potential physical image, of seeing a girl I liked kiss, hug and smile at another guy, maybe a guy that I could tell myself was not better than me. Easier to say I never had a chance than to be openly rejected? Maybe, yes. I appreciated all my female friends, in high school and since. Sure, I feel I might of missed out by not experiencing dating back in high school, although there was never really dating it seemed, you were friends or you went steady, never anything in between.... or I so I remember it. As a happily married man of quite a few years, I welcome to be the very best resident of the friend zone for anyone who might be need someone there......
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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