Ok, so let me explain the title for today's blog post. Over the course of the last year or so, I have every so often posted something here that isn't related to my experience in soccer, coaching or women's sports but rather something a little more personal. I mean all my posts have a personal slant but I mean specifically about my self awareness of growth as a person. Some of these personal posts related to how I saw myself in high school, how I saw myself having evolved from teenager to adult and so forth. If you want to review some of these, you can via these links ( there are probably a few more but these give you an idea of my view of certain things
was-high-school-awkward-or-the-best-time-of-our-lives.html letter-to-my-high-school-self.html to-high-school-friends-lost-and-found.html being-self-aware-through-sports-and-life.html what-if-my-perception-of-myself-is-all-wrong.html how-coaching-gave-me-a-purpose-and-a-voice.html However, today's post shares something a little more personal, a little more raw in terms of opening up about myself. My story is not unique by any stretch of the imagination, but it is mine. So why the title? Well in some ways, its describes how today, through the eyes of a middle-age man, I perceive that I followed from teenager, to young adult to where I have arrived today. Now, saying that I am a nobody does not in any way refer to me thinking that I had a lousy childhood because I didn't , nor does it indicate any kind of lack of self-worth, self confidence or being happy, because I didn't lack for the first two and overall I have definitely enjoyed a lot of the last. Today's title refers to the fact that for much of my time through high school and into early adulthood, I had issues figuring out my identity.. both in terms of who I was and represented and also in terms of the person I hoped to be. Ask me to describe who I think I was during my years in high school and I would say that I was someone fairly shy, an introvert, someone who tried to hide behind a certain level of self-deprecating humor in order to deflect attention from my perceived flaws and someone lacking overt self-confidence but always seemingly finding a way to meet the challenges life presented me with a fair level of success. Ask my peers and friends to describe and why I can't ( and don't want to ) put words in their mouths, I think they might have opinions that differ significantly than what I just described and more importantly how I saw myself. So basically the title for today's blog post conveys MY message but for many years, I didn't have an idea who I was and where a fit in and therefore a nobody, but the life experiences that comes with years has shown my that I was in many ways, just like pretty much everyone else. I have come to realize and more importantly accept that things are rarely black or white, right or wrong and that there is no ONE right away to go through life. Like is a path, every so often, you come to forks in the path and you have to choose, if you are lucky you need to choose between only 2 options, but sometimes there are more. All you can do is take the information in front of you and choose what seems like the best option. It works out, great, keeping going, it doesn't, don't wallow in regret, what-ifs or complaining, adapt, adjust and find a way to get through it and move towards a new path. So let's go back to my high school years... in my recollection of how I felt back then, I had an overall great time in high school, a great group of friends ( a few fairly close ones), got along with pretty much everyone even those outside my circle of friends, did fairly well academically, participate high school sports year round ( soccer, wrestling and track) and especially in wrestling was fairly successful (4x ity champ, 3x provincial champ, numerous tournament medals etc) , attending high school dances and parties, was fit, healthy and content. How can anyone complain? Now, that is how I would logically describe my high school years. That is what people saw, but ask me what was going on inside my head.... the answer is very different. For me, I was smart ( honor role every term but two) but never really smart enough to be among the top students. I didn't really put tons of time studying but seemed to still get marks in the low 80s. My parents and even friends would tell me imagine if you cared about your marks and studied more. I was successful athletically but not really a great athlete, I had friends, lots of friends and got along with almost anyone but always felt I was somewhat of an outsider, I was not ugly but not good looking, or at least not good looking to attract the looks of girls that I liked. I saw myself as somewhat geeky, socially awkward ( especially for dating). I think people saw me as funny, a somewhat class clown on occasion but in my mind I was hiding behind being funny so no one could see all my insecurities. I seemed to be able to fit in with some many of the high school cliques ( brains, nerds, jocks, misfits, rebels etc) but really it was because I myself didn't know where I fit in. Looking back, I realize that I made a choice, not sure when exactly or how but I made a choice to adapt to what others expected of me. It was like I chose to play a role that would allow me to fit in with those around me. I deferred to others so as not to stand out ( or look stupid). I can honestly admit now that for much of high school and the few years that followed it, most of the time, my thoughts were " I have everyone fooled". t was a real struggle for me to understand why I wasn’t happy when I had everything that I thought was important in life. Was I selfish? Were my expectations too high? I honestly couldn’t understand what was missing and how to fill this huge void that gnawed at me every day. After high school, I drifted away from most of my high school friends. I lost contact with them while they all seemed to stayed in touch ( and still do in many cases). I broke away from most of my activities, change soccer clubs, stopped wrestling, sought out new friends, and so much other chance. I struggled academically through cegep, I mean really struggled to the point I barely completed my degree ( I dropped out and finished the last remaining credits over 3 semester in the evenings while working). I seriously considered that university would never be for me and I would have to find a job that I would do for the next 30 or 40 years. When I look back at my life at that point, thirty+ years later, I realize that I really had no idea who I was or what made me happy. I kept expecting something or someone to answer this question for me. The journey to find out who I was and what really mattered to me eventually involved meeting a girl who was in now way connected to my social circle, not the one from high school, not the one from cegep or my close childhood friends. I met someone so different than anyone I had usually dated ( not that it had happened much to that point), someone very different socially, culturally and pretty much in every way. It pretty much took the loss of everything I thought defined me and made me happy and the discovery of someone and something very new, to admit to myself that I honestly didn’t know myself very well at all. Who am I? What do I believe in? What is my purpose? What fills me with joy and wonder? These are questions that I have learned are ok to be asking myself regularly. Life isn't about getting somewhere but rather about enjoying the journey. As I approach my mid-50s, I am just beginning to understand that it is ok to have questions about your identity but it is also ok to not be afraid to stand out. To have confidence, to speak my mind, to believe in things even when they might not be in line with what your entourage feels is right and I have to admit that getting there has been extremely difficult. After struggling in cegep and working full time for 18 months while I finished my degree, I applied to university. I completed my degree in two and half years, studying basically full time year round while continuing to work. I didn't see my lack of academic ambition as weakness but rather embraced that I could rely on my memory to absorb material easily and still do above average academically without excelling. I accepted that maybe that was part of my skill set, to not panic, rely on my strengths to do fairly well in school without having to sacrifice too much time. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do as my career but I knew I wanted more. I accepted that not knowing who I was , was actually a chance to explore who I wanted to become and not some sort of hindrance. I finished university, found an interesting job and at twenty-five I was happily married, starting to find a career path I really enjoyed and was at the start of my coaching career. However, there was still something missing. The hardest part for me was just knowing where to begin. Somethings figured themselves out on their own, for example my coaching gave me a voice and a purpose as I have blogged about in the past. My work experience and career though took a while, I got bored in jobs easily. I found myself being vary project driven, feeling motivated when there was a clear cut task to be handled ( especially if I could be the person to find a solution where others couldn't), a problem to be solved, but frustrated when routine settled in. I didn't thrive in the pursuit of growing profits and was turned off at the idea of the 70 hour work week for the purpose of looking good to my bosses so that I could get the big raise , the bonus or the much sought after promotion. I changed jobs often, usually staying no longer than 3 to 4 years with a company, always seeking out something new. It was only at 44 years old ( that's 9 years ago for the record) that I found a role that I enjoy have remained with since... and where I will retire. So how did I go through this change? What led me to be more self-aware, to feel like less of a fraud, fooling people or feeling the need to adapt to the expectations of those around me ? Well a lot of self-reflection, trial and error and willing to ask myself a few specific questions and reply to them honestly. Like, what would I do, or who would I want to be if there was no chance of failure? The risk of failure terrifies most people. How many times have you wanted to change jobs or careers, move to a new city, promote a cause that is important you, or become an expert in a certain area? Think about it. No risk of failure.If you were 100 percent certain that you could be or do anything you wanted and not fail, do you know the answer? What values do you hold most dear? Which of them would you be unwilling to compromise? Personal values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live. They give you a reference for what is good, beneficial, important, useful, desirable, and constructive. Once you are able to determine exactly what values are most important to you, you can better determine your priorities. It will also help you make decisions when you come across those so called forks in the road I mentioned above. I often wondered, what made me truly happy. How do I really know, what will make me enjoy life. This, in my opinion, is closely related to my core personal values. I didn't always know what those were, so I wasn't always ready to answer the question. Realizing that quality of life, enjoy life's moments and feeling confident in being able to just be myself warts and all as they say, really allowed me not to take things too personal when I shouldn't but also helped me focus where to place my time and energy when I believed in something ( or someone). Where does money fit in? Younger, I was all about the raise, promotions, making a name for myself. Having money as a value of self worth, as a measuring stick for who I had become compared to who I saw myself as back in high school. However, slowly, I realized, I was missing out on things being so focused on work. That for me, work was about providing me the sufficient security to enjoy the things I truly loved, travel, hobbies, a nice comfortable home without it being excessive etc. It become about having enough and not having more just to have more. Many people equate happiness and success directly to the amount of money they have. How many times have you heard someone say, “If I hit the lottery, I’d…” But remember, this question isn’t really about money at all. It’s more about thinking outside the limits we tend to put on our aspirations and actions because things seem out of our reach financially. You may not be able to do those exact things, but once you know what those true desires are, you expand your thinking and begin to develop a plan to work towards goals you may have never imagined possible. I remember going on job interviews and always feeling the pressure to be able to describe myself in that one specific question, how could I "sell" myself to a potential employer while saying it in a way he or she wanted to hear. Then at some point, it became about saying " this is me, this is who I am , what I believe in... like it or don't but that is ok, it's still me". How would you describe yourself so that the person asking the question would truly understand who you are and what is important to you? These are tough questions and the answers may not come easily or quickly. In fact, I have found myself having to think and re-think my answers several times and still often do. This work is hard but necessary in order to really understanding yourself on a deeper level. While I can’t say that I now know everything about myself, answering these questions completely changed the negative internal dialogue that was limiting my ability to see myself as I exist today and the me that I can become in the future. But the biggest change came from revisiting dreams and aspirations that I had long ago put on the back burner while I was stuck in the process of “getting things done.” My dreams of writing about things that are truly meaningful to me, finding a fulfilling and passionate relationship, and discovering a purpose in my life have slowly evolved and are coming closes to being 100% achieved in recent years now that I am focusing my energy in the right direction—and that direction was to look within. Try it, allow yourself plenty of time to go through and really think about each question and then just go for it. Go ahead. Begin your journey. Change direction. Create new dreams or rediscover dreams you left behind. Now that I have started, I haven’t looked back since.
2 Comments
Jen
5/26/2020 07:08:22 pm
This is such an insightful post. Thank you for sharing your leaning and constant work of reflection to refine your present moment and future with purpose driven work. Thank you for sharing to inspire others to dig deeper and live a fuller live.
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Robyn
3/6/2021 08:54:20 pm
Hi,
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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