There are a significant number of people who live under the common misconception that making the good choices and done things the right way somehow grants them immunity to life's events. They feel if they reach a heightened state of self awareness, achieve success in education, work and love, they'll be exempt from getting angry, feeling sorrow or enduring life's trials and tribulations. Some think they'll achieve a level of harmony at all times, and that they will be shielded from the tragedies life can through at someone, whether small or big.
The truth is that sometimes, no matter your best intentions and great decisions, life is simply not fair and it gets messy. No matter where you are on you life's timeline, young or old, single, in relationship, with kids ( or not), successfully navigating a great career or seeking new employment, working in your passion, or punching 9 to 5 to earn money to be able to meet expenses, life gets messy. Milk cartons tip over. businesses fail, jobs are lost, fender benders happen, friends disappoint you and relationships struggle. Messes, big and small, are inevitable. However, in any moment, you have a choice. You can use the disappointments as an excuse to give up and not persevere, or you can take issues as they come and learn to adapt and see the possibilities. When life gets messy, it is tough, no one seeks out disappointment by choice, however it is also an opportunity to evaluate the decisions you have made and can make moving forward. As an example, one that happened between myself and my parents., say your child comes home from school with bad grades and seems to have little or no interest in improving. This lack of motivation makes you worried, upset, and frustrated. You start to wonder; "How do my child's failing marks reflect on me?" "How will others perceive me if my child isn't doing well in school?" For many, the first reaction is to make it about themselves, that somehow, this situation is a reflection of them, that they are doing something wrong and are somehow a horrible parent. How, it's possible that even when as a parent, you've done everything wrong, this is nothing about you but about the child and instead of getting caught up in the messy moment right in front of you, it is possible to let go of expectations, and explore effective solutions for what's truly affecting your child. Now, I have no children, so why did I pick this as an example? Through my high school and cegep years, my academic results and choices were a running debate between myself and my parents. I averaged in the low 80s throughout high school, marks that many parents would probably be happy with, but mine felt I earned them with little effort and imagine if I studied more. They would say that I should choose the career path I wanted but it was important to explore sciences and do well since I could always " downgrade' later on. Even into my early adulthood, they would comment on which career path they thought would be great for me, usually picking ones I had no interest in, but surely since it was a reflection of their goals for me. I would tell them that maybe, earning above average marks with limited effort was my skill set, that I could do well without focusing on just my studies freeing me up to explore other avenues. When I got to cegep, I struggled academically, significantly. My parents were frustrated that as my peers were moving on into university, I was lagging behind. It was messy if I use the theme of today's blog post. However, for me , it was a path I needed to follow. My academic struggles affected my interactions with friends because I felt embarrassed that they were continuing to thrive as we all did in high school and I seemed to be following behind. I needed to figure out what I wanted out of school, and when I finally got to university, I finished it in two and half year, vs the 4 most of my peers needed. I started working right away, while others took time to travel of "find themselves" . So in the end when my friends and I reached our 30s, we all seemed pretty much at the same place, just got there differently. Disruptions occur, there is no avoiding them so rather than worry about how it will reflect on you and a person and the choices you have made, make the conscientious decision to meet them head on and use them to acquire a greater awareness of yourself and deal with life's messes more practically. Recognizing that life can't always be black or white but rather comes in many shades of gray, allows you to stop judging situations as good or bad, and simply be with what is. With that level of acceptance, you can experience what you need to experience and expand your understanding and skill set. The important thing is to avoid making the same mistakes over and over. We can’t simplify our way into a perfect life, nor should we want to. I bring it up though in case you are just getting started, or struggling, or comparing, or just curious. Even with simplicity, even if we try and avoid complications, take the easy path, life is messy. We are messy. It’s part of the human condition. Highs, lows, ups, downs … all of it comes with being human, even when we’ve simplified. People have often commented to me that I don't seem to get flustered, that I always seem composed and calm. Maybe that is the perception but true is that i have to work on myself every day. Feeling calm and centered doesn’t come naturally. I over react when I want to under react. I hold on when I mean to let go. In between all the lovely parts are messy parts. Sometimes I think I’ve got it all together but unless I’m intentionally focused, I’m all over the place. Living with less, practicing a morning routine, and taking really good care of myself helps me be more me. A little bit each day matters more than trying to squeeze it all in over a weekend. Consistency matters more than intensity. Life is messy. Simplicity helps but it’s not a cure-all. We have to be willing to keep asking questions of ourselves and not taking anything for granted. Even when it’s hectic or sad or scary out there, we can still make the choice to try and remain calm, and take things as they come. Just because things are crazy around you doesn’t mean things have to be crazy within you. On the days when you aren’t your best, and when things are messy, be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect or demand more than you have to give. Be patient and remind yourself that things always turn around. Treat yourself like you would treat a really good friend having a bad day. When the carton of milks spills over, we can cry over the spilled milk or we can grab a rag and clean it all up. That is our choice to make.
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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