As I have written a few times in the past, I realize that I am closer to the end of my coaching career than to the beginning. When I walk away from coaching it won't be out of frustration of disappointment, but simply the realization that the time has come to move on.
Coaching can be an emotional roller-coaster, full of surprising highs and terrifying lows. When things go wrong and you hit one of the lows, especially the low-of-lows, a normal reaction can be “I give up.” My internal voice may have uttered those words more than once. Yet the reality is that no matter how tough things seemed, how frustrated I got, there was always a reason for me to return to coaching. So when was the closest I ever came to walking away from coaching ? At the end of the summer in 2001, I was informed that my contract with the Quebec Soccer Federation was not being renewed. I had spent 6 years with the provincial teams, following my time at the club level. I didn't know where I might end up or if I would even return to coaching. I didn't see myself going back to the club level and assumed coaching was done. As the start of winter approached, I was asked by someone if I might be available to give him a hand coaching his U16 team. Being back with players, working on their development, interacting with the team, reminded me that coaching was very important to me, but yet, I wasn't sure where I would end up. Was it fine just to be helping out without the responsibility of being the head coach, or did I want more ? As the summer season started, a saw a posting in the paper that Concordia University was looking for a head coach... and in the fall of 2002, I started out on the adventure that has really defined me, as a coach, but in many ways as a person. Now I can honestly say that when they role is done, so will my coaching career. However that doesn't mean that there haven't been moments throughout my coaching career where the thought of walking away out of disappointment or frustration didn't happen. So why did I keep coming back, what makes the worst of moments, not seem to bad at all ? In many ways, as I tell my athletes, a bad day at a soccer can still be better than good days at work or other parts of our lives. The fact is that often the crush of the low-of-lows is only temporary. Just around the corner is a better day. But the trick is getting around-the-corner, over-the-hump, out-of-the-ditch, or whatever you call it when you fall down, pick yourself up, and move ahead. Whenever the thoughts that it isn't worth it and I don't want to coach anywhere have crept into my mind, there is usually a thought process that I have followed prevents me from quitting before I am truly ready to do so. Let’s start with the most important step first. Answering the question of; Exactly why do I coach? This one piece of information is immensely powerful. Knowing but more importantly remembering “why I coach” can stop negative thoughts in their track and help re-energize low spirits. A few years ago we had a terrible discipline problem. It turned out a majority of the team broke training rules, there was plenty of internal conflict, players not committed to the team goals etc It was a dark time. It was probably the closest I came to walking away. Remembering “why” I choose to coach however, was a first step to deciding that I wasn't ready to leave. I spoke to team leaders, addressed certain issues that had been identified but most importantly, I stuck to my principles of what was best for the group and the longer range vision I had for the team. Social support is critical to a coach’s survival, there’s a lot of evidence to support that. But even more important is that it takes people, often lots of them, to support the position of a coach. When a coach stands up in front of a group of athletes there a lot of people behind the coach (often invisible) who have helped make that coaching opportunity happen. I leaned on this people, my wife, our athletic director, my assistant coaches, and senior members of the team that made me realize that I couldn't take all the problems personally or to heart, that I had to believe in what I was doing and trust my decision making. It’s not easy to build the trust that athletes, supporters, administrators have in a coach. Yet simple action, wrong words at the wrong time, a misstep and trust can disappear quickly. However, by remembering the positives that coaching brings me, being consistent and transparent in my decisions and actions, will generally keep my focused on the why of coaching. Another phrase I use that I use is that coaching is something that I do and not the full measure of who I am. Yes, when the time comes that I walk away from coaching, there will be a void, certainly in the short term, I will feel a sense of loss, however live will continue and I will find a balance in my life via some other activity. However, in the moments of frustration, short respites, a few days during the season and being able to focus on other issues during the off-season, can give needed mental breaks from negative times. Even very short bursts can shore up flagging attitudes and have mental and physical benefits. Anything that engages you could work as a brief escape: movie, shopping, exercise an outing with friends having no connection to my coaching. As I said earlier, a social support network if important. In other words, when things get tough the coach who has dependable friends and family will be around longer than the solo coach who has no one to discuss his or her frustrations with.. I have several buddies I can blast anytime with the “You won’t believe this …” Or “What would you do in this case …” messages. Their support is priceless and a dependable social support network will both provide a distraction when needed but also give you people to vent to and hopefully give you subjective feedback. Sometimes wanting to give up is caused by feeling trapped. Believing you’re stuck in quick sand and there’s no way out. The negativity becomes overwhelming, you don't see any way to get things going in the right direction. You start to see that it might just be easier to walk away and leave the mess for someone else to fix. In the worst of moments, when I really thought I wanted to give up, I dreading practice or interacting with the players. I started thinking about everything that might go wrong instead of how I can fix things. Most important, as a coach, we can start to doubt of ability to coach, to reach the athletes. We always hear about coaches "who have the lost the room" and whose message doesn't reach his or her athletes. The important thing is to make the thought of staying challenging and exciting. Don't get stuck of a pattern of behaviors, times change, athletes change, realities change... so we as coaches must also accept change. So build positive relationships. Worry only about those issues that are within your control, fix one problem at a time, then move on the next. Be motivated but simple, short term successes. Help out your co-coaches and peers. Make the environment enjoyable with your positive attitude and great work ethic. Be methodical with random acts of kindness and interaction with athletes. Seek out moments where you can enhance relationships. Getting positive feedback from your athletes, will validate your decision to stay. A little silly, but here’s a thought … Imagine, on a tough mental day, you can find yourself face to face.... with yourself. Ask your other self to tell you aloud some of the negative self-talk and reason why you want to quit coaching. Ask yourself, if an athlete was sharing some of these negative thoughts with you, how would you react, what would you respond. For me, most importantly, it is about keeping things in perspective. Coaching is important to me, anyone who knows me would agree, but it isn't the full extent of my existence. Soccer is my passion, coaching is a hobby allows me to actively participate in my passion and has done so for many years after my playing career ended. Yes, hearing athletes complain, or question decisions, or look like that would rather be anywhere else can be frustrating and disappointing. However, they are young adults, with their own issues, trying to find their way and maybe their complaining is a sign of something else in their lives. As a coach, or someone in a position of leadership, where your decisions affect a group of individuals, you will never be able to make everyone happy. Accept that, make sure to be true to yourself and consistent in your actions. When the time comes to truly walk away, I hope I will do it on my terms and because I want to, not because I am frustrated or have decided the time and effort is no longer worth it. Most importantly I would hope that on the balance a majority of athletes that I have coaches will have appreciated the time they spent being coached by me, but fully accepting that some will not. So, yes, some days, I will quit, but them return the next day.
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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