For anyone who has participating in youth sports at any level, we all have memories of coaches we have had in the past. We remember how their behaviors, words, ranting and raving affected us. We may not always remember exactly what was said but we remember how it made us feel. There are some coaches we would walk through a brick wall for. Others, we tolerated and learned to cope with in the moment.
So, what made the difference? Was it coaching styles, connection, or was it all about winning? My experiences from playing soccer aren't related to successes per say but none the less some of the memories have stuck with me well into my 50s and probably most importantly might have be at the core of figuring out what kind of coach I was and how I wanted to be remembered. Unlike a lot of my memories from coaching where I can remember many of the games I was involved in for their goals, key moments or decisions I made, those memories from my playing days don't really seem to include much about my playing but about how I was treated by coaches ( and truth be told, my father was my first soccer coach for 3 or 4 years), friendships I made, interaction with teammates, team trips etc. For some reason, memories related to wins and losses or even personal performances from soccer or any other of the sports I participated in aren’t important enough to remember. In a sport with such outcome performance based mindset, it may seem that winning coaches would be the coaches we remember the most. However, as I reflect on my past coaches, we did not always have winning seasons. My point is that too often adults get caught up in winning and losing games. Too many times, grown-ups lose sight of why they are there. Staying true to the basic principles of youth sport. The reason to volunteer should be to provide a safe and fun atmosphere for kids to learn and grow as individuals. Teaching players how to use teamwork and dedication can help them accomplish any goals they set for themselves. As an athlete, I do remember being selected to my first inter-city team, getting that phone call from the coach telling me I made it. Or finding out from my high school wrestling coach that my tournament win had qualified me to travel with the provincial team to a national tournament. I remember leaving my soccer club as I finished my youth playing career in order to try out for men's senior team at a different club, being asked to play in an exhibition game and having the coach rush over right after asking me to sign all the registration papers. These are but examples but the point being that for many of us as adults, who didn't become professional athletes or participate at the highest levels, our memories of our sports careers will be dominated by non results based moments. Although in the moment, many coaches experience intense pressure to win, it is those that understand that their role is much more than just winning games, that are remembered most. Especially those that coach the younger players. For these young players, their coaches are part of their understanding of what it is to be a man (or woman). How coaches handle stress in moment leaves an imprint on the psyche of these young players. Coaches who can be mindful and act with integrity as opposed to behavior associated with low emotional intelligence, will create positive environment for players to grow not just as players but also, as people. Although for many and sometimes to an extreme that is not ideal, youth sport is focused on outcome, performance and chasing the dream of playing at higher levels, provincial or national teams, university and in the rarest of cases, professionally. However, the reality is few will experience these dreams. That is why enjoying and learning from the process is that much more important. As I have said in various ways via many of my posts, sports are games, although they can be ultra competitive, intense and have their battles they are still just a game and by definition, games at their core, should be fun. The players are just emerging young people, who are learning about life, by playing the game they love. Long after coaches are done coaching, some will be remembered by their players as someone who influenced them by their authenticity and integrity. Others will be remembered as a negative influencer because their inability to handle their stress appropriately and/or lack of awareness of how they showed up. In the end, how do you want to be remembered? I don't have the chance to run into former coaches but I can still remember a few that really stood out and had an impact on my life in ways that transcends sport. One of these is the wrestling coach I mentioned above, someone who has also a phys ed teacher at my high school. A couple of years back, my former high school was celebrating its 50 years of existence and organized a huge reunion for all graduates. This teacher/coach is retired and was at the time of the reunion by like many former faculty and staff he attended. Some friends and I ran into him and greeting were exchanged. when he got to me, he addressed me by my the correct pronunciation in Spanish of my name and quickly asked about my parents and some other personal information, something he hadn't done with my friends. In that moment, the impact this man had had on my life was again very apparent. Even after all the years of not seeing him, the dynamic if our coach-athlete ( student) relationship returned. As someone who was involved in coaching for as long as I was, I would hope that there are former athletes of mine who might remember me for the impact I had on their lives just in the way I remember the impact this coach and teacher had on mine. There is no better feeling than having one of my former players approach me with their son or daughter and say “Let me introduce you to my former coach!” Yes, there are former players who I have run into who quickly change directions, or avoid eye contact but there are many cases where the above has happened, or where I've run into former players and we exchanged memories about experiences we shared, or they tell me about how something I told them "years ago" stuck with them. Ironically, rarely do these discussions cover specific games or results. Through the years I was in coaching, I often thought back to how coaches I had treated me, interacted with me, motivated and even disappointed me. I’ve often found myself remembering my time and experience as an athlete and letting those memories guide how I approached my teams and my athletes, using them as a baseline on how to act and even how not to act with them. Did I get it right all the time? Absolutely not, at the competitive levels I coached, it was impossible to make everyone happy and truth is, there are without doubt former athletes who think of me as one of those terrible coaches who was unfair with them. And I probably was in some cases but I’ve also had enough of those special moments when former players have introduced me to their spouses or kids and described how I impacted their lives to feel a sense of accomplishment that maybe, I got it right more often than I got it wrong. When those moments come, there is plenty of reflection and personal pride, but more importantly its then when you realize that you’ve impacted a person’s life. Most people don’t join become coaches to be a role model or mentor, but when coaches and players come together and bonds are formed, how you are remembered makes all the difference and how you are remembered will often evolved over time as your former athletes progress through adulthood, get kids of their own and often move into coaching or other leadership roles and are able to better understand some of the "why" you did some of the things you did as their coach. I have told many people in my entourage that I am content to be retired from coaching, that I don't miss coaching, but the reality is that I do missing being a coach if you can understand the nuance. I miss that part of my life and the fulfillment that came from being a coach with the ability to interact with younger individuals and share my passion for soccer and maybe with luck have some impact on their lives. If I was asked how I might specifically want to be remembered as a coach, I would probably sum it up something like this; As a coach who never game up on his athletes - As a coach, I never wanted to give up on anyone however if I said I have never given up on anyone I would be lying. It happened but at the outset, especially during the 16 years that I coached university, I tried to make sure that I never gave up on anyone on or off the field. As student-athletes, I tried to provide them with all the tools so they would enjoy their soccer but most importantly successfully complete their studies. If soccer or playing soccer at the university level didn't work out for certain individuals I tried to be fair with them and ensure that the landing was soft and that they could still move forward. I wanted to follow the path of of great coaches that never gave up on any athletes. As a coach who impacted athletes beyond the playing field - I always believed that organized sport, for the majority was a proving ground for life as an adult, I wanted the student-athletes ( and prior to my time at Concordia, simply athletes ) to understand that having a conversation with an adult, coach or someone that has a vested interest in that student-athletes success is only there to help them. The same way we as kids might have looked at adults who tried to guide us as being lame, out of touch or too strict, I am sure I was seen like that by many of my athletes, but it never deterred me from trying to help my student-athletes. As a coach who wanted to know the athletes as individuals - The individual relationships between coach and athletes can be very special and now that I am done coaching, these are the interactions I miss most about coaching and that I would hope I am remembered for. I always wanted the athletes to be able to say that I made the effort to get to know them during my time as their coach. Relationships drive everything in our world. If I was able to athletes learn how to develop relationships over time, by modeling this behavior, then maybe it had some impact in all the relationships they had throughout life. I just hope that they remember the time spent getting to know them as people. As a coach who believed in teaching the right way to do things especially be good people - Most of us as coaches have a strong desire to win in everything we do. We want to teach our athletes how to win in the area of competition. Regardless of the sport we work in, we have to prepare each and every athletes by teaching them the fundamental and sport-specific skills, by pushing them during conditioning and working on their motivation and confidence building skills. I am not the type of coach who believes in winning at all costs. There is a right way to do things, even of the right way sometimes prevents you from winning outright. Many say it is important to learn how to lose graciously, but at the opposite end of that spectrum, winning without being a good person is shallow at best. As a coach and person of character and respect - I know I am not perfect however I tend to try my best to lead by example in my daily life. Our actions speak louder than words and I knew that the athletes where always watching. I wanted to be known as a man of character that was honest, fair, responsible for his team, and willing to work with anyone. This is my definition of character and my success as a coach. In today’s world, we as coaches have to teach character to our athletes. Like many coaches, I had occasions when I cut athletes lose that did something wrong instead of finding out why they made this mistake. Maybe this was a cry for help or trying to get my attention. I always tried me best and always hoped to learn from my mistakes. With time, memories of my coaching involvement will fade but hopefully at the same time, the memories that my former athletes hold of me will be positive and with a greater understanding of who I tried to be to them as their coach.
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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