There is a saying that most people have heard, " Keep you friends close and your enemies closer". While I don't want to paint parents of kids that anyone might coach as being enemies, truth is that parents can sometimes get in the way of a coach - athlete relationship.
Interestingly, this is how the parent-coach dynamic is always described. Attend a clinic on the parent-coach relationship, take a coaching class, or have a conversation with coaches from any sport, and the phrase is always the same. It’s assumed that if you want to get into coaching, you’re going to have to deal with the parents, plain and simple. Talk with coaches who have been involved in youth sport for years and many will have different strategies about how to insulate themselves from parent complaints. Truth be told, in terms of my own personal experiences, I have had limited experience in dealing directly with parents as my only real involvement in coaching athletes younger than 18 was with the provincial teams and while parent complaints and comments did occur on occasion, the context was very different as for the most part, the cost to be part of the team was minimal and the expectations of equal playing time ( usually the biggest topic of parents complaints) were not the same. Different coaches use various approaches to communicate policies and expectations verbally and in writing for players and parents prior to the season. Whether done via player or parent manuals, verbally during preseason parent meetings, the information will usually touch on coaching philosophy, coaching backgrounds, game day expectations, eligibility policy, “Who Starts and Who Plays,” travel expectations, practice attendance rules, some sort of budget to explain why the costs to join the team are what they are and other relevant information. While some of the information is directly related to ensuring every member of the team is on the same page, reality is that often times, the purpose of sharing this information to communicate as much information up front as possible so that we will not have to deal with the parents once the season begins. Talking to younger coaches or those starting out and often times, the one issue that they will often bring up as being among the issue they most dislike about coaching going into every season is dealing with parents. Generally speaking, we never have to “deal with” things we like. In fact, the very notion of dealing with something invokes feelings of negativity, suspicion, and even dread. We usually deal with things that are unpleasant. We deal with problems. We deal with difficult people. With all those negative connotations, it’s safe to say, nobody ever looks forward to having to deal with anything. That likely describes how most coaches approach the parent-coach relationship. Rooted in fear of conflict and confrontation, we negotiate parent interactions like tiptoeing through a mine field hoping to spend as little time as possible desperately trying to avoid an explosion. At the end of the day, we signed up to coach a sport, not to deal with parents. However, if coaches go into each season thinking like this, how much might this attitude to the parent-coach dynamic prevented them from forming positive, constructive relationships with the people who influence our players as much as anyone. Coaches should never walk into a practice thinking, “Today I have to deal with these players again.” and if they do, then maybe they should have something else to be involved with, but I digress. Rather, we strive to provide our players with the best possible experiences and opportunities every practice, team activity and game. What if we approached the parents the same way? What if as a coach, we try and engage parents in our process, get them to by into the whole team concept and culture. Now when I say we, I mean that in the generic sense of coaches involved with youth club teams. I don't think it is part of coaching adults ( or I would certainly hope not, select teams, university etc). I would remain essential to address important issues such as “Who Starts and Who Plays,” team attendance rules, expectations etc but what if time was spent doing something far more value added that could improve the chances of having a positive environment around the team? Coaches will often talk about team identity or team culture. When coaches get to work with the same athletes over a few years, they will become increasingly deliberate in teaching players specific behaviors that tie into these cultures or identities. So what might happen if coaches decided to do the same for the parents by giving them specific things they can do to participate in the process. Never in my career have I asked or really had to ask parent what they thought about our team's plans, culture , identity , or what they want their daughter’s experience to be like. In those times that I had to hold parent meetings, I would present the plan, the process and our expectations as coaches, but I didn't really openly engage parent participation, because like many coaches, I just wanted to avoid the minefield. The more I thought about the sports parent experience, the more I realized, I have no idea what the parents want their experience to be like or what they might perceive that their daughters want out of the experience. But like every coach, I have experienced the situation where a parent seems to " want it more" than his or her daughter. Probably the most important pieces of feedback you as a coach could get from a parent are "What do you feel are a few measurable reasonable goals for your child this season? for the team ? The purpose of these questions would determine the parents’ expectations for the team, and for their child. If you were to get feedback that is clearly outrageous, you could address those in a non-threatening way sooner rather than later. The vast majority of the conflict coaches experience with players and parents is the result of unrealistic expectations. This might help identify those so that they can be dealt with before the season even started. A small note about goal setting, it’s important that goals are measurable, performance-related. It is not possible to measure hard work, happiness, or getting along with others. You would have to ask for specific outcomes such as being a starter, winning record qualifying for the playoffs, winning tournaments, , whatever might be relevant competitive aspects of the team / sport that you coach. Once you deal with those goals, you could then focus on the most important question that nobody ever asks: What do you want if you can’t have what you want? Or, perhaps asked in a better way, "what do you want your child's experience to be like if he / she can't achieve the competitive individual or team goals?" Essentially, you will be asking them to consider what will make the experience valuable and positive even if they do not accomplish their goals. What will make participating in the sport meaningful regardless of outcome? You could do this exercise with both the athletes and the parents but not together, then compare and share the responses. As with the questions about goals, you could identify divergences in expectations early on and manage expectations. Most importantly, you are upfront with parents and just might get them to buy into what you are hoping to accomplish with the team, especially in ways that go beyond wins and losses. Finally, you might just need to ask the other questions that most coaches would never want to ask parents? What do you want the experience to be for you are a parent? What do you feel you can do to participate in creating that experience for other parents? What can coaches do to facilitate parents in having a positive experience? You might be surprised by the nature of replies you get. Of course, you will get some crazy suggestions, things like, "parents want a copy of the practice plan in advance so that we can follow along and know what they players are working on". Yeah, like that is going to happen.... However, by soliciting input, you can deal with any disconnects upfront, even if it means taking a stance on things you really adhere to. However rather than just saying no, if you explain the why of your no, there is transparency and the attempt to manage expectations. Will this eliminate parents problems, probably not completely, but if you can reduce the potential conflicts upfront and establish a "working relationship" with the parents, at least they can't hide behind not knowing or not understanding if you are upfront with them. Just some thoughts... if you're coaching, give it a try and feel free to let me know how it worked out.
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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