When I used to run certification or refresher courses for coaches, the one common topic that almost always came up was the issue of handing parents trying to share their insights under the best of times, or become downright rude and insults at worst. Luckily, my coaching path hasn't put me with teams where the parent issue was a big factor. I have mostly coached players in their late teens or adults, or that the competitive levels where parents perhaps didn't feel the same level of comfort approaching coaches. Even at university however, I have had a few times when a parent would reach out asking about their daughter playing time, or decisions we had made. For the most part, I simply reply that those issues are between myself and the athlete and that I encouraged them ( the parents ) to have their daughters speak to me.
However the coach - parent dynamic is not unknown to me and I have experienced it on occasion, but more importantly I have witnessed out from an objective point of view. As a coach, dealing with parents just comes with the territory. But, handling overzealous parents is never fun. And you know what we’re talking about here. These are the parents who show up at practice demanding to know why their son or daughter isn’t getting more playing time. Or, the ones that come up to you at halftime to let you know the combinations you used during the first half aren’t working, and they had some ideas that might win the game during the second half if you wanted to hear them. You know, those parents.Although dealing with these parents is never going to be our favorite thing, it is something that we have to learn to get better at. The good news is that there are steps you can take to cut down on the number of unpleasant instances during a season. These steps and tips can help you not only retain your authority and credibility as coach, but help improve communication between you, your players, and their parents. And open communication is the most important tool you have when it comes to dealing with parents. When I was a course instructor, I would often get the questions, " How do we deal with over zealous or downright rude parents ?" There really isn't one right answer to this question. So what can you do as a coach ? The exact strategies any coach might use will depend on the age of the players, the type of league the team is in, and the individual's coaching philosophy. For example, a youth team that allows for equal playing time is very different than a select team playing in regional, provincial or national championships where results play a bigger role. Below, I will share some thoughts about how a coach, especially one who is perhaps closer to the start of his or her coaching career, might go about dealing with parents. Over time, every coach who hones their craft develops a manner in which to best deal with parents. It is essential, because, from experience, I will say that any coach who doesn't learn to deal with parents probably won't stay in coaching for very long. However it’s important to realize that as a coach you can’t, and shouldn’t try, to please everyone. It’s vital that you stand up for what you believe in and stay true to the coaching techniques you think work best. After all, you’re the coach, not the parents. For most teams, one strategy that really sets the tone often addresses problems before they even start is to hold a parents' meeting. You can nip a lot of problems in the bud simply by meeting with parents at the start of the season. Get to know them, and spend some time talking about your past coaching experience and how you’re going to manage this season. Make sure you go over what you expect from players, and what kind of practice schedule you’re going to keep. When planning a parents' meeting, some of the topics that you might want to discuss can include the following ;
Again from experience, I can tell you that the biggest point of contention between coach - player and coach-parent has always been and will always be playing time. One teams, where everyone might be the same ( and a significant amount) cost to participate, parents will question why come players play more than others ( or than their kid(s) specifically). Parents and players both need to understand that playing time isn’t a right, it’s a privilege. So make sure this is clearly explained in the pre-season meeting with parents. Lay out exactly how you dole out playing time. Yes, it’s probably going to go to the hardest workers, but what do players really have to do to earn playing time? What do they have to know? Spell it out so that there’s no confusion. If you coach a youth team and playing time is equal, parents need to know that. If not, you’ll get parents that think their kids should be playing more than others (so they can win the game). It’s important to ensure parents understand that your decisions will be based on merit and players who respect team rules. The default excuse many frustrated parents and players will go to is that somehow, your decisions are based on favoritism or that you will reward those kids that somehow, don't give you are hard time, question your decisions or challenge your coaching qualifications / know how. This is very important, and I covered some of the reasons as to why parents may come to this conclusion in a previous blog post coaching-by-fear-never-works.html Emphasize that the lessons you’ll be teaching them over the next few months will not only develop them as players, but as individuals that may help them later on in life. Bringing this up will help them remember that the biggest benefit of the sport isn’t about winning or playing time, it’s about personal development. It’s also important to explain how you feel about things like sportsmanship, honesty, and ethical behavior. These values are important in sports, and parents should know that you’ll be on the lookout for these things in their kids.It’s critically important for parents to understand your philosophy. This will eliminate countless problems down the road. t’s important to explain that if someone has a problem with their lack of playing time, the player, not the parent, should talk with you first. In the real world, people must know how to communicate. And, this is a skill your players have to learn on the team. This should be a rule that you explain during your first parent meeting, put it in your handbook, and remind parents during the year. Parents and players also need to know that you’re going to be treating their kids like young men and women. Many younger players are used to having their parents “take care of things” for them (like calling the coach to get them more playing time!). Again, however, you need to make it clear that players need to speak with you first about any issues they have. If a player feels they deserve more playing time, then they should bring it up with you. Now this might sound like a recipe for disaster, but it’s not. Letting interested parents watch practice time will enable them to see how you run the show, how players behave, how you critique, and how you make decisions about who gets to play and who doesn’t. Most importantly, parents will begin to “buy in” to your philosophy and tactics. As we all know, a big part of coaching is selling. And while you are selling your players on your philosophy, with enough repetitions, the parents will get sold on your philosophies and on you as a coach. Sometimes they just need to get to know you, understand you, and learn about your program. Letting them watch your practices is a great way to do that. If you let them watch, however, make sure they understand that they have to be quiet. You want to know who your biggest fans are? Your players. If they trust you and believe in what you’re doing, then they’re going to defend you against their over-zealous parents. So, make sure your players understand why you’re doing things the way you are. Sell your system to them, and they’ll sell it to their parents. Although it’s important to listen to what parents have to say, it’s also important to stand up for what you’re doing. Remember, you’re the coach. If parents don’t like what you’re doing, then they can put their child in another school system to play under another coach. Sound extreme? Well, sometimes giving parents a dose of reality can help bring them back down to earth. Stay out of the stands during the season. After all, plenty of parents will want to talk with you before or after games. But, is this really where your attention needs to be? Probably not. You need to be focusing on your players, not their parents. If you want to get to know your players’ parents, then summer and fall leagues are the best time to do it since those are generally looser and almost everyone has a chance to play. You should establish a rule that parents are not allowed to speak with you about playing time or any issues on “game day”. Those conversations must be scheduled for another day. Emotions are too high during game time and these issues can be handled much more effectively at a different time. So, make it a rule that you won’t talk with any parents before or after games unless it’s an emergency. And, it’s smart to bring this up in your initial parent meeting, as well. No matter how hard you work to prevent it, there are always going to be the inevitable irate or overzealous parents to handle. It just comes with the territory of being a coach. So how can you handle the big blowouts when they happen? First, listen. Let the parent have their say and don’t interrupt them. When it’s your turn to speak, then explain your point of view slowly and clearly. And, keep your focus on their child. Don’t do comparisons between their child and another player. If the parent starts raising their voice, then resist the urge to match their tone. Keep speaking in a calm voice at normal volume. And, try to keep your comments on the positive end. You can even offer to allow the parent to come to practice so they can see what is actually happening. Besides, how can the parent have an opinion unless they have been to all the practices? At the end of the meeting, make sure you thank the parent for voicing their concerns with you, and let them know you’ll take them under consideration. After the parent has left, ask the person who sat in on the meeting how they thought you did. Was there anything you could have done better or differently? Getting this honest feedback can really help you handle these challenging situations in the future. At the end of the day, it is about communication, consistency and being confident in your abilities and plans. You are the one who stepped up and offered to be the coach. Anyone can sit on the sidelines and complain or second guess, that part is easy, but finding solutions, dealing the the ongoing challenge of being a coach, that is were the real work lies. Be confident, be strong and stick to your convictions, it won't always be easy but overtime, it will get easier.
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AuthorAfter many years of coaching at various levels and with different teams, I thought I would share some of my experiences and thoughts about coaching. Archives
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